Please help :(

NottsBlade wrote:New to this so be nice.

I must be the the angriest 28 year old on the planet. I get angry about everything. Stuck in traffic. My 3 year old. Losing on my games. When things don't go to plan. Even just when I just drop something. Now you'll think that it's normal to get irritable over these things, however I get so angry! I swear, I shout, my blood boils and this happens for around 75% of my day, I have been on sertraline antidepressants for 6 months as I am quite bad with depression and anxiety but these tablets are not helping my issue with anger. I make my daughter cry and my partner is on verge of hating me. Doctors don't want to know and I'm now in the frame of mind of having thoughts about my own life! I know it's not nice to hear but I'd rather be honest about it and not lie. Please help!

Welcome to the Forum.

Let’s think about your situation. I suppose you are female (mothers speak differently about their children then fathers, most of the time). I assume that you Didn’t Used To Be So Angry, although you do not explicitly say that this Anger has come on quite recently, perhaps as a Reaction or Side Effect of those Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor Anti-Depressants you are taking. I honestly wish the Government would classify those Prozac Like Drugs as Dangerous. I believe it is very suspicious how such meds were ever approved. Were the Pharmaceutical Companies Data ever ‘Peer Reviewed’ or did the Pharmaceutical Companies just hand in their own Fill In the Blank Numbers. But these Anti-Depressants are troubling. Often they only work incrementally – people find a little bit of improvement. But what of all the Side Effects. It just does not seem worth it. And Kicking the Habit! Getting off a Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor is Worse than kicking Heroin. And there are Residual Effects that amount to almost Permanent Damage. You know, It takes YEARS for the Brain Zaps to finally go away (and every time the Brain ‘Zaps’ it indicates a complete Neurological Shutdown… which is okay unless a Zap happens when you are trying to Catch your Balance before a fall, or a Pedestrian steps in front of your Car, stuff like that. But the Doctors Love to prescribe them because the Pharmaceutical Companies much of the time arrange Commission Deals with the Doctors – they get a Kick Back for pushing their Drugs. Kick Backs should be Illegal, you would think. If Doctors get paid more for Diagnosing Depression and writing Drug Script, you can guess what will follow. I suspect that Medical Ethics have gone the way of all the other Ethics that Society USED to Have. Now its all about being a Winner!

But I am only supposing. So you would need to clarify that issue. SO, Did your Anger get Worse since you started taking the Pills?

Now, if this Anger pre-existed your Anti-Depressants, than could you please tell me when it did seem to escalate. I am wondering here about whether your Anger got worse as you reached Maturity. Sometimes when Children Transition into Adults, all the right Hormones don’t kick in. So you may have an imbalance that goes back a dozen years, considering that you are 28. If that is the case, well, we have had THREADS on that kind of Problem, so let me know and I can point you to them.

But if your Anger has only gotten worse slowly and because of what you might perceive as reasonably aggravating Life Stressors, well then we can deal with that behaviorally. Yes, I know that you Freak Out even when you drop something, but when a Person is Keyed up on Life Stressors and has lost the habit of exercising Inhibition and Restraint, then Everything begins to push a person into TILT.

I am a great believer in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Nearly All of the Anger Management Books written by Medical Professionals and Psychologists are based on some form of CBT. Basically what that Means is that you have to watch for BAD Behavior and learn not to repeat it. Often Bad Behavior is caused by Bad Thinking, and so you must learn to Examine and Evaluate your Thinking for undo Negativity. Basically it is all so Easy, BUT each author has different Exercises and Stories and new ways to think about it. Often we Don’t Realize there is a Different Way to Think about Things until it is pointed out to us, and we are receptive enough to appreciate the new Insight. You might have Bad Habits, in thinking and behavior, that you don’t even realize yet.

Also, here is a Trick that can Help you almost Instantly, if you work with it long enough to know what I am telling you. Adrenaline Rushes make all Anger much Worse. Adrenaline is the Fight Hormone. In Primitive Times, when a Lion or Tiger or Bear walked into the Villiage, Adrenaline would be useful in helping to Fight Off the Life and Death Danger – you’d Freak Out so Badly that it would Scare the Bear! But nowadays people get Adrenaline Rushes just because somebody Flips them Off in Traffic. Anyway, Adrenaline kicks in Fast, BUT Not Instantaneously. It takes about 3 or 4 Seconds for an Adrenaline Rush to Ramp Up to Full Tilt. IF you catch it within the first 1 or 1 ½ Seconds, then you can save yourself from one of those Screaming and Yelling and Throwing things Anger Episodes. But how to you CATCH IT? The FIRST Sign of Adrenaline is when your Teeth Clench or you Jaw Muscles tighten. It has to do with the Jaw Muscles proximity to the Brain Stem and the closeness to the Arterial Blood Supply from the Adrenal Glands, or something like that. Anyway, IF you can Catch your Jaw Tighten or Teeth Clench, and then, AT THAT VERY INSTANT, relax your Jaw, then THAT effectively tells your Adrenal Glands to Stop Pumping. Really, It Works. I think the only Reason they Keep Me Around Here is because of that One Piece of Advice. It is THAT effective.

Well, let me know what you think. Good luck. Have a nice day.

Hello,
I too suffer from anger and rage. The episodes come on so unexpectedly too. I am a mother with three kids and I can be so patient and understanding and calm with my toddler but with my 10 and 12-year old, I spout rage on them. The worse feeling comes about afterward. So much regret and pain for hurting the ones I love most, yet this regret and remorse do not stop it from happening all over again. What I have noticed has begun to work for me though is giving myself time alone or away from my kids when my blood begins to boil. Most often I HAVE to shut myself away in my locked bedroom. But at least I can come out 20-30 mins later calmer than before.
I also realize I've been angry my entire life. Mostly from the abuse I sense. I also realized I am a spitting image of my mother when I was a child when I get rageful. hmmm... Learned behaviors are too common and most hard to break. It's like learning our first language, very hard to forget or unlearn. My only working mechanism to protect my kids from my rage is to run and take a break. I feel like the hulk or something.

Angrylovingmommy wrote:Hello,
I too suffer from anger and rage. The episodes come on so unexpectedly too. I am a mother with three kids and I can be so patient and understanding and calm with my toddler but with my 10 and 12-year old, I spout rage on them. The worse feeling comes about afterward. So much regret and pain for hurting the ones I love most, yet this regret and remorse do not stop it from happening all over again. What I have noticed has begun to work for me though is giving myself time alone or away from my kids when my blood begins to boil. Most often I HAVE to shut myself away in my locked bedroom. But at least I can come out 20-30 mins later calmer than before.
I also realize I've been angry my entire life. Mostly from the abuse I sense. I also realized I am a spitting image of my mother when I was a child when I get rageful. hmmm... Learned behaviors are too common and most hard to break. It's like learning our first language, very hard to forget or unlearn. My only working mechanism to protect my kids from my rage is to run and take a break. I feel like the hulk or something.

Dear Mommy,

Well, it seems you already have some good insights into your Anger: 1) You recognize that you picked up a lot of the Behaviors your own Mother used to exhibit, and 2) You have the sense to practice Avoidance as an alternative to Blowing Up.

I have one suggestion that can help you almost immediately. I recognize that you are getting stressed out, which is an easy guess since you have a 10 and 12 year old. Oh, are they boys? Boys at that age are pushing their boundaries and even just another couple of years will calm them down somewhat, though they will still be teenagers. It is difficult for me to know how girls behave. They seem to present themselves better to Adult Strangers than they do to Family – Little Angels to the World but demons and harpies at home, or so I have heard. But it goes without saying that you are Stressed. The New Toddler may also be exasperating, but you are Deeply Motivated to keep a lid on that and so you might be diverting a lot of your nervous tension to the Middle School Kids. Anyway, with all that STRESS it is likely that you are almost always on the Edge of an Adrenaline Rush, and it is Adrenaline that fuels those Blow Ups – the Red Faced Shouting that is so upsetting to you afterward. If you want some really detailed expositions about Adrenaline, check a few recent posts where I had written at length on the topic – the best explanation was to Daisycloses (a few Posts down) and then I also wrote about Adrenaline to Freebeez83 (also a few posts down). But let me give you the Highlights here: What is commonly thought is that Blow Ups occur spontaneously and instantly. But even you have noticed that you seem to have time to run and avoid what you feel is an immanent Blow Up. An easier Way is to simply Notice the First Physiological Sign that Adrenaline is being Released, and then consciously Relax that Reflex. The JAW MUSCLES, because of the Proximity to both the Brain and the arterial system that pumps blood up from the adrenal glands, are the first to Tense Up and Contract when hit by Adrenaline. When you notice this (that your jaw muscles tense up or even that you clamp your mouth shut, simply OPEN YOUR MOUTH. Unclench your teeth. For Some Reason the Body KNOWS that this is a Signal that the Adrenaline was Released as a False Alarm. You can imagine that with Primitive Peoples during the days of formative Evolution that there must have been a great many False Alarms; for instance, the Tribal Dog running through the Huts looks just like a Wolf, or a Stick in the Path looks just like a Snake. So Adrenaline would Start to Flood Full Blast BUT just as quickly the Person would realize the mistake and would be able to Shut down the Reaction simply by Opening their Mouth and Gasping in a Clean Breath of Air. You only have to remember not to waste even a fraction of a second. Even a little bit of adrenaline will leave you feeling All Wound Up. So learn to Relax your Jaw Muscles within a Tenth of Second of when they tighten. I am sure you will get Plenty of Practice.

My second piece of Advice will take a lot more time for you to perfect. First, let me mention that I’m glad you see that you picked up Behavior Patterns from your Mother, because it is these habitual behavior patterns that you need to deal with. And by the way, you can forget that it was your Mother, as that is unimportant. You only have to think in terms of you having some Bad Habits that you need to shake off. A lot of people think they need Professional Help, and of course that wouldn’t hurt if you had the time and a good Insurance Plan (but nobody has THAT Good of an Insurance Plan anymore – the Deductibles are often More than the entire course of Therapy). But nowadays many of the Good Self Help Books, written by Medical Professionals and Psychologists, are quite excellent (and I myself did Therapy back in the Good Old Days before sky high Deductibles and for the most part my Therapy consisted of reading Assigned Anger Management Books, as though it were Homework… so even the Psychologist realize that the Books can be good Therapy in and of themselves). But at least during the beginning try to keep with High Quality Books. Avoid anything that suggests New Age Money Grubbing Opportunistic Predatory Authors who are simply trying to pooch into the Anger Management Market for a quick buck (if you are not sure, then just do a search for what other books a suspect Author has written. Typically these New Age parasites write about anything they think will turn a nickel. This will demonstrate that they are Experts about Nothing. Most of the Good books are written by Psychologists and are based on some kind of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which rests on the notion that people only have to observe and evaluate their Thoughts and Behavior for Habitual Patterns that cause trouble and then to consciously Stop such Bad Habits of Thought and Behavior. It might help you to think in terms of REVIEW and REVISE. When you notice a Thought or Behavior that is causing you grief, well just KNOWING that is a big step forward. That was the Review Part. Revise is when you try to think about what you Should be Thinking or Should be doing Instead. Just stopping bad and negative Thoughts is not quite enough, because often Situations require us to think SOMETHING. So you must become Thoughtful and Creative and think of Better Things to Think then what has usually just gotten you into trouble, that is, you must REVISE the way you think about certain troublesome things. Behavior Problems and Acting Out can be dealt with in the same way. In some situations you do not have the option of just doing NOTHING (and, Yes, your Tactic of practicing Avoidance, while highly recommended for Angry People who are new to Anger Management, is an early stopgap that you should be able to grow past as you become more practiced in being able to Control Yourself). So in deciding how to Act and Behave you can practice REVIEW and REVISE there also.

Here let me offer an insight. I read a lot of books and attended seminars on Quality Management back during my professional life and one of the Principle Truths there is that 80% of your Trouble comes from the worst 20% of your System Processes. It is that same Way in all of Life. So you can think that 80% of your Anger Comes from about 20% of your Habitual Thoughts and Behaviors. Yes, that is still a lot but it is not Infinite. Oh, but it is a Continuous Truth – that while your Process is continuously being improved incrementally, it tends to remain True that 80% of your Remaining Problems will be arising from the worst 20% of your Processes, though as you Fix the Old Worst, New Worst areas take over by default. As they say, “there is no rest for the wicked”. What this translates to in Anger Management is that what you need to do is once you Notice a Bad Habit in Thought or Behavior, write it down somewhere and go over in your mind what you will think or do instead. Mentally Rehearse for the Next Time. You got to tackle each bad habit in thought or deed one at a time. Improvement is Incremental. You will not be Fixed with just an Attitude Change, though that helps. Think of yourself like a Sail Boat with a ripped up sail. You have to break out the needles and threads and fix it all tear by tear. Its hard work, but you WILL notice your Life steadily improving. Someday it will be Smooth Sailing for you.

I’ve notice with other people and I noticed it in myself from when I was an Angry Person, that people often have a few good months, which sometimes means that they have only been lucky that they didn’t have much stress for a while, and nobody did anything to push their buttons, and so they Forget that they are still basically an Angry Person and they lower their guard. Sooner or later this leads to a Blow Up. Eventually I came to the Conclusion that Every Day I must do Something to “keep my head in the Game”. So for years I would read a chapter of an Anger Management book a day. Now, yes, while all the good books are based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, there seems to be a million ways of ‘skinning a cat’ and it is interesting how many different insights these intelligent authors can come up with, and of course there are fascinating stories and anecdotes about people who are more sick and twisted than we are, but whom we can identify with. I also read some terrible anger management books, but that is also beneficial in a way, because it gets you to Actively Think about Good Anger Management Practices. You know that you know something when you can tell that the New Age Authors are just BSing.

My favorite Anger Management Author is Ronald Potter-Efron. He’s written a number of Anger Management Books, going from addressing Irritability to full blown Rage. He has even written some very expensive College Textbooks (which I am saving up for). I also like “Anger Management” by Peter Favaro. You can go online to that Big Book Retailer Dot Com and search up the Anger Management Books and read the descriptions and the Reviews and find a few good books to start with.

Now, let’s talk about how long all of this might take. In one of Ronald Potter-Efron’s most recent books, “the Angry Brain” he speaks promisingly of the Brain’s ‘plasticity’ – ability to change and adapt at even the structural level. Brains can even regenerate new Brain Cells, which has only been a recent discovery. But, he points out that while WE CAN Change our Behaviors and Become like New People, it takes a long time. Going from being an Angry Person to being a Calm and Unflappable Person is kind of like learning how to play the Violin from scratch. It takes Practice, Practice, Practice. I myself found that reading part of an Anger Management Book every day constituted enough Practice to actually change my behaviors significantly… but it took a few years before I could depend upon myself to not cause any trouble. With hindsight I can suppose that it could have gone quicker had I worked harder, but I can’t say I am any more lazy than the average bear. I can admire people who work harder than I do because I would consider them exceptional.

Also, if you can allow me to sell you on the idea of taking Anger Management seriously, I can promise you that there would be in your future the added benefit that when you find that you were able to Master Anger Management, you will realize that you can apply much of the same kinds of Practice to improving other aspects of your Life. For instance, now I am working to stifle my old Regional Accent and learning to speak in a more ideal way. I’ve also looked into books on Manners and Etiquette in order to give myself a kind of an Old World style and charm. Yes, it is probably a lot like what a Con Man would be doing. But that only goes to show that when we address and Conquer our Anger, we find that we really have No Limitations. We can make our Lives into Anything We Want. So, you may be Lucky in all this. While you are still relatively Young you will be put on the Path of Changing Yourself for the Better and Better and Better. Just think of the Cool Old Lady you will be someday?

Oh, by the way, could you please repost your Post as a separate Thread (you deserve it) and then I will repost my reply right underneath it. You see, if you have your own dedicated Thread it will help me to keep track of you. But if you like it here at the Forum, you should get used to maintaining your own Threads as though they were your own personal little garden plots. Oh, incidentally, participating here at the Forum is a good way to “keep your head in the game”. When you are writing or reading about your own or other people’s Anger Issues almost on a daily basis, it become increasingly difficult for an Anger Episode to sneak up and take you by surprise.

Please, let me know what you think.

You have to wait for the antidepressants to act, it takes time. I would humbly suggest manage the situation based on your good power and wait for the medications to show action.

noorj wrote:You have to wait for the antidepressants to act, it takes time. I would humbly suggest manage the situation based on your good power and wait for the medications to show action.

Dear Noorj,

Please do a search on line and find out how badly those Anti-depressants screw people up. You know, you just can't quit those things when you find out they are bad for you. The Withdraw Symptoms are horrible. For years afterward people have issues with vertigo and ability to stay balanced. There is probably some cognitive impairment in there too. You just can't screw so much with Brain Chemistry using the Shot Gun approach of those Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors. they are a poison that should be outlawed. If Bribery was not now considered protected as Free Speech then the Pharmaceutical Companies would have long ago been shut down for Racketeering. I wonder how long it will take before a team of lawyers go in with perhaps the largest Class Action Suite in History. those Drug Predators need to be stopped.