I wish I could find a balance

**Posts:** 12 · by **AiryLeigh** » Fri Mar 26, 2004 1:42 am

I'm new here. This is my first post so i'm not really sure what I'm doing.
All my life I was taught that emotions were wrong and "normal" people were happy and didn't feel anything else. To feel was a weak and terrible thing and it was best to hide them. Be strong.
But I'm not strong. I've spent most of my life hiding from my emotions and here I am at 21 years old and I don't know how to deal with my emotions because I never let myself, for fear of looking weak to my father. But I don't live with him anymore. I live with my boyfriend and I'm scaring myself. I still try to hold it all in and put on a happy face, but something happens and puts me over the edge and I totally snap. And unfortunatley, I'm usually around my bf (Jay) when that happens. So I end up taking everything out on him, even though he doesnt deserve it.
I feel like I'm watching myself and I'm yelling at myself to stop because I don't mean the hurtful things I'm saying. But I can't stop and then it's like I leave myself because I don't remember what happens next. I find myself bawling my eyes out and Jay looks like someone just killed his dog. He tells me what I say and do and I can't believe I'd be like that, but I know he wouldn't lie.
I have whole hours that I don't remember. The anger I held back from everyone else just takes over me and it's all unleashed on Jay. It's tearing us apart and I'm terrified of losing him. I love him with all my heart.
I don't know how to stop this.
My counselor says I need to learn how to express my emotions in a healthy manner and to know when it's appropriate. But for the first 21 years of my life I was taught to be ashamed of feelings. I don't know how to deal with my emotions. I'm not used to acknowledging my feelings. I actually don't even really know what the names for some of my feelings are. Isn't that sad?
I need help. My counselor wants me to go to anger management before I hurt others or myself because last week I actually slapped Jay across the face. I've never done that before. I never wanted to hurt him and I don't know why I did it. In a way I do. And that scares me. My ex used to beat me and I thought I deserved it and it was okay. I defended him for 2 and a half years. I finally got the courage to leave him after I finally fought back. It was a very scary thing.
That's when my lack of control started. After I fought back. When he hit me I'd hit him back and he ended up breaking my nose. It was a messed up realationship.
I thought I was better though. But i'm not. I still can't control my anger and the smallest things set me off because I held everything else back.
I'm sorry if this is confusing or annoying. I just don't know what to do or where to go anymore.
Everything is falling apart all around me. On top of my anger management problems I have anxiety disorder and depression. I also have a strong family history of schitzofrenia (sp?) and I'm terrified of it happening to me.
I'm so scared. When I get upset I have no control. I don't want to keep hurting Jay. And I don't want to keep hurting myself, but sometimes it seems like the only thing that snaps me out of it is to make myself hurt and bleed and I know it's wrong. But when i suddenly feel the urge to lash out at everyone and make them hurt even though deep down I know they dont deserve it, I turn on myself. I'm afraid that one day I may go too far though.
I can't do this anymore. I want to get better. How am I going to take care of a baby if I can't even take care of myself?

**Posts:** 18 · by **fandango** » Fri Mar 26, 2004 2:33 pm

AiryLeigh, I just wanted to respond to your post and tell you that you're not alone. I feel as though you have written what I have been feeling lately. I too was in physically abusive relationships, and it seems I'm turning into my mother. I have so much guilt and anger that I have been suppressing, and it is now coming out as depression and lashing out. My DH of 6 years certainly deserves a better partner.

Right now I'm reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Foward, and I would recommend it to you when you are ready to confront issues with your father. It discusses some of the issues you have mentioned in your post, and it has helped me recognize some of my behavioural patterns that I can work on and change.

Try to find a way to channel your anger, like strenous physical activity. Another thing I have been trying to do lately, is the moment I "see" myself yelling and saying things I don't mean, is to stop right away, even if it is mid-sentance. It might seem weird at first (both to you and your boyfriend), but at least it will prevent you from saying anything further. I'm hoping to get to the point where I recognize it before I start.

Good luck.

**Posts:** 8 · by **jimmycat** » Fri Mar 26, 2004 5:47 pm

I agree with fandango. I feel that you need to find something that you can do to channel your anger (energy) in a more productive way. You must be diligent in its application however. I remember having fits of rage when I was in high school I would begin to physically shake and would end up punching a hole in my door, the wall, I broke numerous electronic gagets, and would call the person I was mad at every conceivable harsh word. I had no self-control and after I calmed down, I would always regret what I had said and did. I found that a mixture of exercise and relaxation enabled me to get a grip on my emotions. I learned to identify when the anger was building and be conscious of its level so that I could prevent an explosion. Currently, when I notice that my anger is building, I do one of two things: First, I'll end the conversation right there (to be continued after I calm down) and go for a walk (to truely pause the conversation). Or second, I'll alter my perception. Over the years I have learned that anger (like stress) can be a matter of point of view (subjective self perception). If you are mad at someone and they are mad at you, then there are two perspectives working against each other. In almost every case, a compromise can be met. I also learned to pick my fights. Sometimes what I was fighting about was simply not worth the heartache I would end up with after it was over.

In your case, it sounds like you have a lot of pent up aggression that you have never managed to learn to control. You are probably right when you said that you are afraid that your violence may turn for the worse. I feel that too. So..what is causing your blackouts? Perhaps a detachment from self due to the conflict between what your "thinking" self and your "feeling" self? Its easier to deal when your memory of the "traumatic" events are lacking. I would strongly encourage your anger management classes. Also, I would talk to your boyfriend and maybe work out a system or "code word" that you could use at the beginning of a fight to let him know to back off and not push the issue because your reaching your boiling point. Also, discuss that the conversation will continue...just after you clear your head, so he won't feel that his thoughts and feelings are coming second to yours. The important thing I am emphasizing here is for you to recognize the series of events that leads you to the point of no return and then short circuit it.

I am confident that working with your physician to relieve your repressed emotions (channeling them to productive avenues) and practicing cognitive control, you can over come this problem. Please keep us posted.

**Posts:** 2522 · by **kfedouloff** » Mon Mar 29, 2004 1:12 pm

I was thinking over what AiryLeigh says here about being told that emotions are a "bad thing" and you must only show a happy face or else you are a weak person. I guess that if you are brought up like that, one of the problems is that you don't actually learn what having an emotion feels like, or understand what you are feeling, because you always have to squash any feelings that you have out of sight in case they interfere with your happy face.

Well, now that you have realised that something is not right with this, and you want things to change, you can maybe start to learn for yourself about your emotions. When you notice yourself having a feeling, you can first of all notice what the pysical parts of the feeling are (e.g. does your breathing get faster, or does your face flush, or do you feel a tight feeling in your tummy)

Then you can think about what the emotional components are, actually trying to describe them to yourself (e.g. I feel sad. I feel optimistic. I feel angry. I feel worried).

This way you begin to know all the signs that belong to your emotions. None of your emotions is good or bad in itself - they are just what you feel. Before you work at changing them, you need to know and accept them - they are your feelings, and they are telling you what you really feel, so you need to know what you really feel before you do anything.

It can feel a little scary, just letting yourself have emotions so that you can learn about them, but you don't need to do it all at once! And remember to practise with good feelings too - knowing what all the signs are for those.

A wise man I met said: Remember: Thoughts are fictions. Feelings are facts.

Good luck, AiryLeigh

Kathleen

**Posts:** 2821 · by **Roger Elliott** » Mon Mar 29, 2004 7:29 pm

I agree with kathleen in that recognising your emotions and putting a name to them can help you both accept them and decide whether they are appropriate or not. As she says, an emotion is neither good nor bad, it simply is

In my opinion, it's 'goodness' or 'badnees' lies in its effects on you (does it help or hinder you? does it make you behave in a way that you are happy with, proud of, or ashamed of), on others (does it make them feel good ro bad about themselves or about you) and on the relationships between you and others.

I wish I could find a balance

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