I'm new here. This is my first post so i'm not really sure what I'm doing.
All my life I was taught that emotions were wrong and "normal" people were happy and didn't feel anything else. To feel was a weak and terrible thing and it was best to hide them. Be strong.
But I'm not strong. I've spent most of my life hiding from my emotions and here I am at 21 years old and I don't know how to deal with my emotions because I never let myself, for fear of looking weak to my father. But I don't live with him anymore. I live with my boyfriend and I'm scaring myself. I still try to hold it all in and put on a happy face, but something happens and puts me over the edge and I totally snap. And unfortunatley, I'm usually around my bf (Jay) when that happens. So I end up taking everything out on him, even though he doesnt deserve it.
I feel like I'm watching myself and I'm yelling at myself to stop because I don't mean the hurtful things I'm saying. But I can't stop and then it's like I leave myself because I don't remember what happens next. I find myself bawling my eyes out and Jay looks like someone just killed his dog. He tells me what I say and do and I can't believe I'd be like that, but I know he wouldn't lie.
I have whole hours that I don't remember. The anger I held back from everyone else just takes over me and it's all unleashed on Jay. It's tearing us apart and I'm terrified of losing him. I love him with all my heart.
I don't know how to stop this.
My counselor says I need to learn how to express my emotions in a healthy manner and to know when it's appropriate. But for the first 21 years of my life I was taught to be ashamed of feelings. I don't know how to deal with my emotions. I'm not used to acknowledging my feelings. I actually don't even really know what the names for some of my feelings are. Isn't that sad?
I need help. My counselor wants me to go to anger management before I hurt others or myself because last week I actually slapped Jay across the face. I've never done that before. I never wanted to hurt him and I don't know why I did it. In a way I do. And that scares me. My ex used to beat me and I thought I deserved it and it was okay. I defended him for 2 and a half years. I finally got the courage to leave him after I finally fought back. It was a very scary thing.
That's when my lack of control started. After I fought back. When he hit me I'd hit him back and he ended up breaking my nose. It was a messed up realationship.
I thought I was better though. But i'm not. I still can't control my anger and the smallest things set me off because I held everything else back.
I'm sorry if this is confusing or annoying. I just don't know what to do or where to go anymore.
Everything is falling apart all around me. On top of my anger management problems I have anxiety disorder and depression. I also have a strong family history of schitzofrenia (sp?) and I'm terrified of it happening to me.
I'm so scared. When I get upset I have no control. I don't want to keep hurting Jay. And I don't want to keep hurting myself, but sometimes it seems like the only thing that snaps me out of it is to make myself hurt and bleed and I know it's wrong. But when i suddenly feel the urge to lash out at everyone and make them hurt even though deep down I know they dont deserve it, I turn on myself. I'm afraid that one day I may go too far though.
I can't do this anymore. I want to get better. How am I going to take care of a baby if I can't even take care of myself?