Violence,insecurity and jealousy

Anyone?Please I really really need to know your thoughts on this..

Thanks,
Hannah

Hi Hannah......Is that Barbie picture you??

Seriously I would say selfishness, immaturity, someone with significant issues and whats more, someone who had little respect for women generally and doesnt value you - this would make them behave like that....give him a wide berth honey - I spent years living with someone like that its not worth it. Find someone worthy of you

Hehehehe yeah right!Iam not blonde headed,definately not that slender and am fairer complected..I used that SIG becoz I liked her style and sandals! I asked the question not becoz Iam being abused,hit or anything..my boyfriends ex wife was however..the only thing he has ever done to me is be jealous and occasionally accuse me of going at his back..which of course I never have..that is not cool..it aint my style or how I do things..for some reason he is an extremely insecure person..I dont know why..he has a wonderful sense of humor,great personality,he is well educated,intelligent and handsome..in other words he has alot going for him..there is no need to worry about these things..his ex wife did a few things that warranted him to be suspicious but for him to be violent with her was taking things a bit to far..when they were together she was very young..he was 4-5 years older than her..she would go out without telling him..thats taking things a bit to far when your married..I dont blame him for being upset..he probably would not of minded if he had known where she would be or that she was going..I abhor violence in all forms..there were other means of handling the matter..I try to give people second chances..I try being understanding and believe people can change but if he were ever to hit me that would be the end..personally I think he needs to see a Therapist..at least to help him see that the woman in his life isnt doing what he thinks..I guess its fear of losing me so he believes if he instills fear I'll stay..just like his ex wife..

Jeeeezus Hannah!
If I asked you why you valued yourself so little that you'd stay with a man who beat his ex and is showing the same signs of jealousy and insecurity with you, you'd probably lash out at me and defend him.

Your whole post is riddled with 'making it ok' for him to do what he does. You can't see that but I can. You're apologising for his problems. You're minimising the CERTAINTY that whatever he did with her he's going to do with you because, guess what? IT'S ABOUT HIM, not either of you women. HE'S GOING TO TREAT ALL WOMEN THAT WAY.

You know why you're telling yourself that he only beat HER because SHE probably did something to really piss him off...?

Because you can fool yourself that he isn't going to do it to you. Sorry, Hannah, but it doesn't work that way.

I hear in your post two things: a real fear of what's going to happen to you and a deep attachment to being with an abusive man like this who helps you feel bad about yourself. You could be worth more - but you will only BE worth more when you STOP doing what you're doing - and get some help to work out how you got into this in the first place.

good luck

Excuse me I value myself more than what you think..I dont go around boasting how I feel about myself..I actually have a level head on my shoulders,have a good self-esteem,self-confidence etc for someone that has been thru what I have in my life..I wouldnt place myself into a situation that would jeopardize my life or be dangerous..give me some credit here OK?!Iam NOT making it OK for him..I dont agree with what he did to his ex wife but there is more to their relationship than what Ive posted.So I guess its OK and acceptable to you that a married woman goes drinking at clubs when married without telling her husband where she is going?If it had been my husband going to places like that without letting me know beforehand I would be quite upset and Im not a controlling abusive person..I understand what you have said honestly I do but I try and give people second chances..Actually we've had a pretty strong relationship..only had 2 fights in the 3 years we've been together..once when we were fighting I GAVE him something to be jealous about even tho I didnt do what I threw up to him..

So there's nothing wrong. You don't need any help then. Everything is alright. Phew.

BTW I said you you'd fight for your right to be with a man whose insecurity and immaturity will re-confirm yours.

Hannah I'm not writing this to get your back up. My only motivation was to reflect something you might not see about you from what you wrote + my experience of working with people.

All the best

How dare you sit there and judge me or my boyfriend when you pesonally do not know either of us and I havent posted everything about him,me,us or he and his ex..as I clearly stated in previous replies I do NOT agree with what he did to her..Iam a pacifist I abhor violence..he did wrongly by hitting her when he could of solved the things she did using other means but even myself have raised my hand to my Mother while in the throes of a Panic attack..out of fear I did this..but I wont be judged for this..he will..I try seeing why he did it by understanding why he did it..1)out of fear..fear of losing her,fear she was doing something with another man(which BTW she DID end up doing)and of course out of anger becoz she was a married woman doing things married women shouldnt be doing without letting her husband know beforehand..it would have been OK with him if she had let him know she would be going for a few drinks..FYI the woman he dated before this woman he never laid a hand on her..she never went out without telling him..she never came onto other men..she was faithful..this gal he was married to was something else..I think what you are failing to understand is he didnt hit her for the hell of it..he isnt a mean viscious person..I can understand why he was upset..he was married..his wife went out behind his back without letting him know where she would be..not that she was required to have his permission but it would have been kind of her to at least know she would be at such and such place..her going out and cheating is what ended their marriage..she found her another man..and I can understand why he shows jealously toward me..he has a hard time trusting..out of fear he worries I will go behind his back like his ex did..and as for immaturity or insecurity Iam far from such..so is he..this is an extremely sensitive issue that most times people draw conclusions from without knowing all the facts..At least Iam understanding and dont criticize..

hi hannah
why are you so angry with ME?

All I did was reflect back how things look from where I'm standing... based on what you said (oh, and of course, all those things you didn't say).
Notice that because I offered you a perspective you didn't like, you resorted to defending your relationship and your boyfriend? Like I said you would? Compare your first post with your latest one. I re-read the first one to remind myself what you wrote:

What would make a man who came from a happy,loving,family oriented christian background so insecure he strikes and is jealous of a woman when she hasnt done anything wrong?A man who pays the woman back,hides when confrontation arises and goes on drinking sprees to boot.Why would he do this and what would make him do it.

Seems to me like YOU have a problem with anger. Maybe your boyfriend does too, but he's not yelling at me here like you are.

I'll say it again. I offered you feedback from a long experience of working with people and their problems (including me and my own). When you have a lot of experience, you see things that people do; that lots of people do... you see patterns in the ways people behave that YOU, Hannah, might not be able to see.

Anyway, what I said doesn't really matter; you can take it or leave it and, by the way, I don't really mind whether or not you yell at me but what I would recommend is that you look for a moment at your reaction. It's very powerful. The fact that YOU make ME responsible for YOUR anger tells me as much as I need to know about your way of doing things in relationships.

Our short 'exchange' demonstrates that you are reactive and comfortable with using, and being in, anger. I don't need to know your history to know this. I don't need to know all that detail that you think I should know before I 'judge' you. I know it from your reaction in this short conversation. You have reacted. You have demonstrated anger. And you have done it consistently from my first post onward. That's 'evidence' by the way, not just an 'opinion'. It's there. In words. You could also work out what kind of person I am from my part in this conversation too - it works both ways.

It's too easy to go looking for advice from people who only say the kind of things you agree with. Don't challenge yourself if you don't want to but until you find the courage to look at what YOU are doing in these relationships its likely that you'll carry on repeating the cycle and shouting down anyone who dares offer you something different. Its a pity that you believe that people like me are 'putting you down' when in fact we might be the only people 'putting you up'. People who support you in being a victim are the ones putting you down.

Could it be that you're angry because I've prodded somewhere that REALLY hurts and you don't want to look at it? It could be the most important and amazing place to be if only you'd stop yelling for a minute

Aaany-way Hannah, I've said my bit. I'm outta here so that you can get on and find the advice you're looking for. Good luck.

Hannah.

Maybe if you told the "Facts " as you see them it would be easier for others to reply and advise.
I believe shouting at people gets us nowhere in life, better to try to get calm and have a proper chat about stuff, if you want answers from people here that are trying to help you must keep your mind open to suggestions mustn't you?
I think a small apology to the one person who bothered to reply to you is in order, hope you can do it?

Maybe you could try talking properly to your b/f, asking why he has these issues?

Uncontrolled anger leads him to hitting people. Feelings of guilt and shame lead him to shy away from confrontations. Drinking sprees help him to forget feelings of guilt and shame...

It's quite a typical cycle. And the problem really IS in his ballpark. Anger management is as good a place to start as any. If he learns to control his anger, he will not have to resort to violence and won't have to feel guilty and ashamed of it afterwards.

Extreem jealousy is perhaps another problem adding to it, this is also soemthing that is completely upto him. Something he has to deal with for himself.

If you really want to help him then get him to see a pro about his problems. His background has little or nothing to do with his behavior. Some things you just do not have an example for, you never saw them, they are completely new. He made up his own mindset and took a few wrong turns. It happens! And the longer he continues on this path, the harder it will get to backtrack from it.

Personally i find it very challenging to be in a relationship with someone who has obvious problems. The emotional rollercoaster or the extremities often are completely out of the blue for a rather serene oriented individual. I find myself being stumped by awe and amazement half the times...

If you think you can help him then you should but if you think you can't really help him and you are only making it worse by staying in a relationship with him then you should give it some thought as to what is best for both of you...

Michelle I owe no apology to anyone on this post.I didnt post to be critisized by said individual.If you go back and re-read their postings in reply to me you will read where they ran me and my boyfriend down but Iam the one who owes an apology?!?!I dont think so..Iam being persecuted becoz I said how dare you to him/her.If I were angry I would have typed in caps locked and said choice words other than how dare you.

Thefool,
Thank you this is the kind of response I was hoping to get in first place..Thank you for not critisizing,degrading,judging,telling me what you think I should do,running me or him down..I appreciate your response it has been most helpful.It has shed some light on why he did this to his EX..we have had a wonderful relationship other than a little jealousy now and then..he has never hit me or been violent..

Again thank you

Im not angry with you at all..I didnt post my inquiry to be judged,criticized or told what I need to do or dont need to do.But you STILL managed to do those things and got a little nasty about it to boot.Heck yeah I defend my relationship becoz he has never abused or been violent with me a little jealous only.We've actually had a wonderful relationship but since you have this"once an abuser always an abuser"type attitude about it you dont believe that.Seems to me you have a problem with judging when you have no idea what actually has went on in my relationship.Iam not yelling at you STOP jumping to conclusions..I was merely standing up for myself becoz of your attitude towards me or is that not allowed?!I didnt ask for your opinion of what I should/shouldnt do in first place,I asked a simple question as to why a person can be this way.

ok hannah
I'm sorry you feel judged, it wasn't my intention to make you feel bad. You're right - you only asked one question:

What would make a man who came from a happy,loving,family oriented christian background so insecure he strikes and is jealous of a woman when she hasnt done anything wrong?A man who pays the woman back,hides when confrontation arises and goes on drinking sprees to boot.Why would he do this and what would make him do it.

What would make him do it? In our exchange so far, you have tended to suggest that what made him do it was his ex-wife. In our exchange so far, I have tended to suggest that what made him do it was HIS inadequacy/problems. The difference between the two is significant: if it is the first, then you are able to believe that it won't happen to you, that his little moments of jealousy that you've hinted to us are NOT the start of something more worrying. If it is the second, then you're in trouble somewhere down the line.

Hannah, I'm sorry you feel judged. You seem to reject the fact that the 'conclusions' I draw from my experience are NOT some attempt to put you down or insult you. With all due respect, I don't care enough about you to be bothered enough to insult you - and that also isn't an insult, but reality.

All I can say is that if you really want to understand this man and his previous (or possible future) behaviour, be willing to hear the experience of people who have seen things like this a hundred times over. You might just save yourself some terrible pain and suffering... or you might not. All I can say is that if you don't know the answer at this point, don't act as though you do.

Why did you ask those questions?