am i ok

my mother was a drunk since i was born when my father wasnt home she would have the courage to belt me up in such a violent way i was always to scared to tell my dad so i held it all inside of me i became unhappy with my life .my mother wanted me to finish uni and become a surgoen i said to her im going to hurt you so much that im not going to finish school and im not going to uni so i became rebelous i got kicked out of 6 schools i became a rebal (bad boy ) when i was 14 i decided that i wanted to join the mafia my mind was dark i wanted to become a hit man for the mafia .inever ended joining the mafia. i wanted to kill people until someone killed me i wanted my life to end there and then couldnt handle life and couldnt commit sucide . something forced me to press on in life at 17 i got recruited into the millitary . i became part of a swat team during the 90 in serbia .when i got out of the army i became a christian looking for help and seeking to be healed from this demon that was tourchering me . before i became a christian i had fame forturne money and lots and lots of friends , now im 37 and im a decent person why is it that now i find it so hard to have friends and a social network .