Want to be anorexic again

I understand your point. However, with eating disorders, there is a distorted perception of self. No matter what the weight, the self sees itself as "fat." The person could be 60 lbs and still think they are overweight. I am not sure if anyone really knows why this happens. I just know it's not something that can be instantly cured with positive affirmations or therapy. A lot of times there is underlying trauma from childhood that created this misperception. It's a very complex condition.

What does the self see if the body that the self is in is blind?

The body isn't blind, nor is it choosing not to see, it just doesn't have the natural capability to do so. There's some kind of biochemical miscommunication.

John Lennon stood for some valuable ideals. Our society is so focused on things that cause separation, not unity. I do wonder if eating disorders would exist if the world lived in harmony, probably not

Debbi

sgreen007 wrote:We can always chop off your legs, then you would have no inner thigh fat
pads to worry about. And you wold still be you, with the same thoughts and
beliefs, so don't worry.

In fact, we could go the whole hog, chop off your arms and legs, attach a
new donated arm, transplant all new organs into your body and give you a
new face by face transplant.

All your thoughts will still be there, you would still be you, you could carry
on posting on this forum and nobody would know the difference.

No, I would be a completely different person, actually - someone dealing with organ and limb transplants. Somone undergoing multiple major surgeries, taking organ accepting medications, someone spending A LOT of time in hospitals doing physical therapy, someone relearning to walk, someone dealing with phantom limb pain and other major physical pain, someone dealing with a major lifelong financial burden that would probably cause my partner and I to have to sell our farm to afford the medical costs- and even that wouldn't make a dent in the bills. My concerns would be of a completely different nature. This would completely change my thought patterns- the actual synapse pathways in my brain. My posts on this board would be quite different.

You need to know that it's been medically proven that parts of the brain in disordered patients are consistantly phsycically different from non-disordered people, based on the disorder. That the brain shape actually changes over time. So, yes, I'm quite literally different b/c of my disorders.

I can appreciate your effort in trying to help by offering another angle to consider AND I find your brashness offensive, lacking empathy, and your pov narrow minded. I don't want to come across as mean, just that you might want to know how it looks from where I'm standing. Like Debi intoned- try walking a mile in our moccasins, then maybe your comments would become more sensable and applicable.

Sorry I haven't posted on this thread for a while, but I am going through a really rough time and I find some of the comparisons made on here quite upsetting and irrelevant.

Many people have told me in the past to 'think myself lucky' that I don't have a 'real' disabling illnesss, or that I don't have a terminal illness. Well all that does is create more feelings of guilt and beliefs that I am bad. Severe depresseion that causes suicidal thoughts and actions is as disabling as any physical disease, so is the tortuous nature of being trapped within an eating disorder.

I can't speak for others but I find I cope with physical pain and my physical disabilities reasonably well, but it is the emotional and mental health problems that cause me to feel my life is hopeless. Some people obviously do battle through terrible illnesses and disabilities and maybe they are stronger than me. I am and have been unable to do it all my life, and the older I get and the longer this goes on, the less strength or will I have to continue fighting. Anorexia is what I believe is the only thing that can save me or I have no life worth living.

angel_lotus wrote:However, with eating disorders, there is a distorted perception of self. No matter what the weight, the self sees itself as "fat." The person could be 60 lbs and still think they are overweight. I am not sure if anyone really knows why this happens. I just know it's not something that can be instantly cured with positive affirmations or therapy. A lot of times there is underlying trauma from childhood that created this misperception. It's a very complex condition.

I agree with this. I see myself as fat whatever my weight, BUT since I have gained weight I have gone from being just 'fat' to 'repulsively obese'. I don't need to look in a mirror to know of my fatness, I see it anyway and I feel it constantly. I want to cut my body and get rid of the fat. It is with me no matter what I am doing or where I am. I am encased in this grossly, fat, repulsive body from which I cannot escape and which will be the cause of my doom.

Karen

briary wrote:I see myself as fat whatever my weight

Nothing to do with the weight then?

briary wrote:I am encased in this grossly, fat, repulsive body from which I cannot escape and which will be the cause of my doom.

Karen

This is a lot different than saying
"I AM this grossly, fat, repulsive body from which I cannot escape."

As for having empathy, empathy doesn't help people. Helping people find
the truth does.

And as for being narrow minded, is there anything more narrow minded than
thinking that you are your body, that you are the fat, that fat is bad, that
the fat is WHO you are and that your whole self worth is tied up in this?

Surely this is a case of narrow, distorted and limiting beliefs which is all down
to thinking.

sgreen007 wrote:This is a lot different than saying "I AM this grossly, fat, repulsive body from which I cannot escape."

No it's not because my identity is tied to my weight and how fat I am. Being repulsively obese and overweight as I am now mwans I am bad, evil and unlovable. The ONLY way to change this is to stop eating and be small, which means being good.

I am not good; I am BAD.

sgreen007 wrote:And as for being narrow minded, is there anything more narrow minded than thinking that you are your body, that you are the fat, that fat is bad, that the fat is WHO you are and that your whole self worth is tied up in this?

I was not the one who mentioned anything about being narrow minded, but I agree having an eating disorder causes this kind of thinking and beliefs.

Karen

I haven't been on this site for a while, but I am glad there is a place for eating disorders. Its needed!

I would also like to ask something Karen if I may. Would you say the ED is any easier or less of a problem than it was say two years ago? I know you have had a lot of input medically, including CBT. Personally I feel there is a lot of hype about the effectiveness of CBT but have yet to witness it being helpful, or giving more than a temporary, initial improvement; if that! I am just basing that on my own experience however and a few other people i have come into contact with.

I was just wondering what type of therapeutic input would make a difference, if any! It seems that it hasn't helped you move forward as the anorexia seems to still be entrenched (although I haven't read the whole thread yet)

Also eating disorders - which are self destructive behaviours primarily, and therefore there is definitely something to be gained in holding onto this behaviour (and I have had bulimia for years and I know this isn't a conscious choice) but I wondered whether perhaps looking at life and imagining it from an eating disorder free perspective and considering what you would miss/loose if you never had it may be an alternative approach?

Maybe it would on some unconscious level be perceived as foreiting love and attention, a way of avoiding growing up and facing independence, getting out there in the world and facing our fears?? ... and these are all just things I am throwing into the arena and may not apply.. but common, general blocks for staying stuck!

I did actually find this suggestion that I was unconsciously maintaining my own bulimia an eye opener myself in therapy, although not an option that I was initially comfortable with considering and was initially quite annoyed with it being suggested ... but ultimately it helped me! ... that and radically changing my diet... which has knock on effects on most areas of mental health!

Anyway, I wish you a continued journey forward towards healing.

angel_lotus wrote:
sgreen007, do you have experience with eating disorders?

I see you chose not to answer Debbi's question, sgreen007?

angel_lotus wrote:What I am thinking now is that Karen and Stella just need compassion and support. Someday they will see that their bodies do not define them, but they need to get better to be able to do so.

I agree with this. Lots of love and luck to both of you... xxx

And finally...

I find some of the posts by in this thread rather insulting, and the manner in which they are written rather blase. If it was a case of "just do this" or "just do that", there would be no such thing as an eating disorder. It would be lovely to live in a world where things were so black and white. Unfortunately we don't.

Joobles... you might be someone that understands a post I made ages ago about the word "just"!

http://www.uncommonforum.com/viewtopic.php?p=420653

Tigger...

That's an interesting thread, thanks for bringing it to my attention - it's something I'd never really put much thought into before.

Unfortunately the "just" we have encountered here is one of the condascending variety. Not helpful at all.

Lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I see what you mean. And the insight in the link I posted might be real but in the end it's only the condescending variety that is emotionally caustic.

Anyway, I'll stop yammering on / hijacking the thread. I drop into this new area of the forum to read sometimes because I've got a bulimic friend and I try to understand.

I hope you find peace within yourself Karen.

xoxo

I have not posted on this thread for a while because this is an issue I am still struggling with enormously but I don't know what else I can really say about it, particularly without being accused or possibly attacked for 'not wanting to give up' my eating disorder.

This is partly true and partly not. I don't see my illness as one whole entity, ie anorexia and bulimia as two sides of the same coin, rather to me they are separate conditions pulling me in different directions. Anorexia to me is being 'good' and is something I strive to achieve again because that for me would make everything alright. I would be 'ok' in myself, whereas bulimia to me makes me bad and evil and I hate myself for being so weak and pathetic that I can't resist it.

Therefore I want to recover from bulimia. I desperately want to get well from that and to stop the behaviours associated with it. Megan, you asked about benefits from behaviour associated from it and the only benefit is that I punish myself severely and it is self destructive, which my life seems to revolve around. But other than that I am so desperate to stop.

On the other hand, I am desperate to reclaim my anorexic behaviours - stop eating, lose weight, be small - and not because of how I look but because of how I feel. I think a lot of it is about being childlike, emotionally and possibly subconsciously trying to match that physically. Whatever it is I want to be small and now I have to be smaller than I have ever been before and nothing else will do. It is that or death.

Karen

I really wish there was something I could say, or something I could do to make you feel at peace with yourself in your own skin. I feel so very, very sad for you and I so want you to be happy, even though I don't know you at all. But I can't make that happen and it really frustrates me.

I know you think at the moment that you want to reclaim the behaviours associated with anorexia - stop eating, be small, and therefore be happy. (I can understand this, by the way. I curse myself everyday for not having the strength to do it to a reasonable degree every day.) These are your priorities; the only route you see to happiness and liking yourself. There must be some way of changing your priorities so you can see the countless other ways to be happy. Long term intensive counselling, hypnoherapy - I don't know... can't you speak to your doctor or go privately if need be - you've got to do something, Karen. You're worth more than this, and you don't deserve the punishment you're dishing out on yourself.

And don't listen to comments that make you feel attacked or belittled in any way. Anyone who can possibly imply that it is easy to get over an eating disorder clearly has no idea, and really no business posting their uninformed opinions here. Please don't let it upset you.

Sending you lots of love and kind thoughts... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

EDIT: I'm also painfully aware that it is incredibly easy to dish out advice, and incredibly difficult to act on it, so please don't feel bad about posting here weeks down the track, still in the same position. That's what this place is for, right? xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks for your kind reply Joobles.

Unfortunately I am out of options with regard to getting help right now. Having been through the NHS mental health system and sent to eating disorder units twice against my will, and the second time experiencing extensive trauma, I no longer trust doctors, psychiatrists or the mental health system and would not go that route.

I also do not have the funds to see anyone privately, which is my own fault as I got hooked on sleeping pills and my habit left me homeless too, so I'm in a right mess all round really.

To be honest, the depression caused by the bingeing and my weight and my disgust and self hate and the situation I am in leaves me feeling I have nothing to live for and I am pretty suicidal. I no longer care about living and hope every day that I'll die. Maybe one of these days my wish will come true.

Karen

Don't think about suicide~~ Its miserable not being able to not eat, which was something that came naturally only a few years ago. I don;t know if you feel like this, but I just feel completely miserable, and had nothing going for me. Two weeks ago I had considered running out into traffic, and ending the streams of failure, but I was talked out of it by my brother who was on the phone. I still feel like that but I've now focused myself even more on being thin. I know this step is considered to be in the wrong direction, but if it keeps you alive then it works. Thank you briary for describing what you feel. I literally have the same problem now since last May. I want to give up the throwing up I consider so weak and pathetic that I can't simply resist food anymore. I always think back to when I was thin and was able to go without food for days. Now I can't even stop myself from chewing and spitting things out at the beginning of the morning and when I get home and after/during dinner. I always wanted to have a child-like shapeless body with thighs that were ten inches in circumference. I wanted nothing more than to not have monthly woman functions. I feel so depressed when I see myself in the mirror. I can't even sit normally any more because I hate the sensation of my thighs touching. Its so hard to break habits...but if you work and keep yourself you'll see something change~

Don't! Please don't do it!
Maybe you should go talk to a doctor or a psychologist.
There has to be someone who has to take that thought out of your head.
You're not happy now, but I'm sure you wouldn't be happy after you last all that weight. People will look at you, and talk about you, and that will make you more insecure.
Besides, it's fashion to be a little bit fuller.

What you could do is, make yourself an schedule with your eating times.
You need to eat 5 times a day. Breakfast, something betweet breakfast and lunch, lunch, something between lunch and diner, diner. And after diner you don't have to eat no more.
I'm not saying that you have to eat a lot, but you have to force yourselve eathing SOMETHING.
You DON'T want to be an anorexic again.

At breakfast you could eat corn.
Between breakfast and lunch: fruit (that hasn't much calories)
lunch: 1/2 sandwiches
between lunch and diner: fruit, or an salade.
diner: meat, rice and vegetables.

Try to enjoy, try to taste the food. You may like it a lot, and you will start eating again. Don't think about your thoughts. Your body needs the food.
Your body WANTS the food.

Try it out.