Transference

Why was therapy terminated? It clearly hadn't reached resolution.

He felt that we were at a standstill and I was having trouble affording it.

Perhaps you could contact him and request referral to a cheaper or free service. Three years is far too long to be stuck at the transference stage.

I live in a small town and there are no free services here. I guess I'm on my own.

Do you have a partner, tot? Family close by? At least one good friend? Are you working? Are there clubs you can join in your town?

I hate to think of you broke and isolated, and I understand that would make you feel 'stuck' on someone who was kind to you three years ago.

No family besides my 2 teenage kids, 19 and 17. A couple of friends but not the type you spend a lot of time with as they lead busy lives. No partner. I am on disability because my depression comes and goes with a vengeance and I was never able to keep a job due to that. Can't afford a car so I can only go to church when a friend of mine goes. If I were reading this of someone else I would be thinking wow what an awful life and I guess I would be right. There is nothing left to look forward to and I guess that's why I miss him so much. At least for awhile I had someone who seemed to care a little.

There is nothing left to look forward to and I guess that's why I miss him so much.

Yes, that's probably true. So we need to replace memories of him with real and present connection.

Church would be the logical place to start if you could get there independently. From the sound of things you're not just in a small town, you're wa-a-a-ay out on the fringe of it. If there's no public transport, driving would seem to be a necessity.

This isn't even normal loneliness (which is quite bad enough); it's circumstantial loneliness. Isolation. The trouble with isolation is it turns us in on ourselves, and if we start thinking we must have a personality problem there's no one there to contradict us. It's going to take some effort and ingenuity, but our priority is to put some action into your days.

Where do your friends spend the bulk of their busy lives -- at home with family, or do they commute somewhere for work? I'm wondering whether you can hitch a lift on a regular basis to somewhere with a whole lot more going on. If they're nearby but totally preoccupied with home life, can you help them out with anything to free up some time for fun together?

What companionship possibilities are within striking distance without a car? Is there a community centre to get to? Shops? We're looking for anywhere people congregate that you can get to under your own steam.

I need a clearer picture of what's around you in terms of neighbours, facilities and transport.

There is a bus here in town that I do take to doctors appts. and the store and such but it only runs Mon-Fri from 8-2. So no chance on catching it to church. My friend Judy lives about 5 miles from here and we usually have coffee once a week or so and then go thrift store shopping, but she is married and busy with other things. My friend Linda works all week (she's a nurse so long hours) and she is very tired on the evenings and weekdays. My friend Amanda has 5 kids and is in college and engaged so you can imagine her schedule. And that's it. My mom and brother both died in 2002 so we have no family except in Chicago and I would love to move back there but my finances say no. As far as neighbors, I live in public housing which is nothing like in the city, but the ppl across the street drink and party all the time and I am not into that anymore (clean and sober for 20 years). I am quite the introvert and don't usually have much to say. Even when I am praying it's never for very long because I really don't even have much to say to God (terrible I know!) As far as hitching a ride with someone...where would I go? Walmart? Can't afford that lol There really isn't anything to do in this town.

You need to get out of there!

Obviously your life has been fuller in the past, and I'm sure you miss it. With two teenagers, you're still too young to have dropped out of civilisation. I'm guessing you're menopausal, too. If you've suffered low-level depression all your life it certainly would have been exacerbated when all the action ground to a halt.

In the long-term I'd have my sights on Chicago. Perhaps you could speak to the housing department about how you're feeling and the restrictions you face, and put your name down on a waiting list for whatever stock they have there. Guaranteed they've got at least one person in the city who's still driving and would prefer to be away from the bustle.

In the meantime I'd be on that bus two or three times a week regardless of whether I had an appointment or needed to shop. I say that because other people are where the action is. Not much happens while we're alone, and the more people we talk to the more we become aware of opportunities and other ways of doing things. Company also reaffirms our humanity, lets us know we're not the only ones struggling to make sense of our lives. At the end of the day you'll feel better if you've had a conversation with a stranger on a bus than if you've been at home fretting alone.

For those days I'd be making myself physically presentable, ie. making it 'an occasion' and boosting my confidence, then challenging myself to initiate conversation. I'd be looking for free community activities, voluntary work, clubs and groups, anything where I might meet people. Schools and hospitals are often on the lookout for someone to read or talk to pupils/patients. They'll want to police-check you first, but that will be the small beginning of a busier lifestyle.

Next time your friend gets you to church, tell the pastor/reverend/whoever's in charge you'd like to attend regularly and get involved in other church-based programs, but you need transport. If it feels right, ask Linda whether there's anything you can help her out with. In fact I'd want to know what she, Judy and Amanda get from your company and offer more of it, so you don't feel like a charity case waiting until they have time for you.

Are your children living with you? How do they get around? What possibilities are there for contact with their friends' parents?

I understand putting yourself out there in this way sounds exhausting, but the lifestyle you describe saps a lot of energy that goes nowhere. It's going to take a big effort to go against inertia. Much easier to talk yourself out of it and go on as you are... but painful, right? I believe you'll feel much better about yourself and your life if you're able to schedule some regular contact with other people.

Things that happen when you're out and about instead of home alone:
You have less time to dwell on your limitations
You feel more alive
Your days are less predictable
You get a change of scene, fresh air, movement
Your physical health improves and you sleep better
You're more likely to hear of part-time work possibilities
You get involved in your community
You make new friendships
You meet potential partners

For home-alone days I'd be tackling a research project: Understanding Me. With internet access you can read about self-esteem, confidence and relationship issues. With time on your hands you can think of the things you enjoyed when you were a child, and reinstitute a pleasurable hobby. You can get a workout DVD or one about yoga, listen to relaxation or ra-ra inspirational recordings. You can teach yourself meditation or investigate a change of diet.

Just suggestions. I'm sure you can think of more.

Wow that's a lot. A bit overwhelming. But I am willing to make any changes that I am able to make.

Chicago is in my sights after my kids are on their own and stable. With my social security (if we still have it after this shutdown business) will afford me a small room, phone, bus pass and food. Ok maybe not the phone loll That's good enough for me. My son graduates high school this spring and my daughter is in her first yr. of college.

As for a hobby I actually found one this summer that I love. Canning! I love to cook and canning is so much fun! In fact today I am canning leftover chili.

I had my kids late in life so I am 50 yrs. old and a diabetic. If I don't get the things I need to get done at home during the day I am too tired in even the early eve. to do it. So I have to be careful of that. I agree church would be the best outlet and I'm going to work on finding some kind of transportation.

As far as being on the bus a couple times a week, I am because I have to get groceries to the house and I enjoy being out when I am, but I am not going to be happy if my house goes to pot, so I have to be careful there.

I think Judy enjoys my company and we became good friends when we were praying for her son to come home after he had left without a word. After praying for 3 y ears, walla! he came home! But like I said she doesn't have much time for play.
Linda is very independent and everytime I offer help she declines. She moved over the weekend and declined my help.

I did invite a couple of friends over for a pot luck and a game of catch-phrase. My kids and I enjoy that game...it's fun.

Yes my kids still live with me. I don't want to leave them until they are ready to be stable. My daughter I have no worries about, my son is a different story. He was diagnosed with ADHD as a small child and was on meds for most of his life. He is off meds now and refuses them. He is extremely immature and high maintenance. And lazy. I don't know if he is going to be able to hold a job.

Hey tot, you've got more going on than I thought you had. Good! I'm glad you're planning to move to Chicago and I hope the shutdown won't affect your payments. Food, shelter and bus pass will be enough when the world's on your doorstep, right? You might want to investigate a basic cellphone deal, too.

I'm wondering whether son can be packed off to live with his father or another relative when you move to Chicago? I guess that will depend on how keen (or not) he is to strike out on his own after high school. It's a worry that he's starting behind the eight ball in the job-hunt stakes, as well as being in a small town and the world economy the way it is. Wouldn't he be better off moving to Chicago with you after high school?

BTW I'd be over to your place for pot luck and a game in a shot. I'd like to return the favour, but one or two of my friends are hesitant to accept so much as a glass of water here. Also need you to send me a coupla cans of your chili, as a matter of urgency. As a live-alone with an active social world, I still have times when no one wants to eat out and I'm confronted with myself in the kitchen, ready to eat right now while staring helplessly at a bunch of wilting celery and two floppy carrots in the fridge.

Now you've had a glimpse of my domestic 'order', you won't be surprised when I say hang the housework! You enjoy being out, but I get the impression you go to town, buy your groceries and come straight back again. If that's so, you might want to consider being on the first bus out and the last bus back, and figuring out some people contact before you shop. If you treated yourself to a good cup of coffee and made a point of talking to people sitting alone at other tables, for example, who knows what might happen?

You haven't said you'd like a partner and I wonder how you feel about that. I'm closer to 60 than 50 and I'm still open to ... possibilities.

My son cannot live with his father because his father can't keep a job and just drifts around. And as for other relatives I don't really have any that I know. My dad's family lives in Northern Illinois but I hardly know them. That's one thing I really want to do when and if I get to Chicago, is spend some time with them. Anyway he will be 18 in February and can do what he wants and that's why I worry about him. He loves to fight, although, lately I must say he has only done planned fights but I still don't like it. I wish he would move to Chicago with me but he has a girlfriend here that he won't leave.

As for your cooking situation, it sounds dreadful There is a world of endless recipes online for you to try out! I love to cook so it's impossible for me to understand how single men only have a couple of things in their kitchens for emergencies. My dad was the same way, usually bear, mayo, and ketchup :/

If I don't keep my house at least decently clean I will not enjoy going out because I will feel guilty lol I am planning to go out Friday, though.

As for a partner I will be brutally honest. I am very unattractive. Sorry

Oh la! You thought I was 'hitting on' you!! Just to relieve your mind, I'm female, straight, and nowhere near the US. I was curious as to whether you thought life might be better if you had a partner, regardless of what you look like.

I'm not in great distress nutritionally, just not interested in cooking and less so in shopping. Or housework. If it ain't fun I don't do it.

Is is possible to start getting to know your dad's family before you move? Maybe some exploratory letters?

Oh lol sorry for the misunderstand!
I have all of my dad's family on my facebook account so we have gotten to know a little bit about each other. Can't wait till I can visit them often!

As for a relationship, I haven't had very good luck. I was married to a man from Pakistan when I was in my early twenties and when he got his green card, he disappeared Then I got married again at 29 and had my two kids, one of which he molested. So I left him right away. Now I am 50 years old, getting wrinkles, and just a bit fat lol Oh and then there's the tooth missing in my smile which I can't afford a dentist to fix, so......I really have nothing to offer a man. Yes, the companionship would be fantastic, but I don't think it's in the cards for me.

One of my dreams is to get a van and live in it and travel from town to town but, I'm afraid that the way things are now it would not be safe for me to do so. If I had a partner I would do it in a heartbeat!