Making sense of mixed feelings about family

The only way I can explain my feelings is by writing what I want to tell my boyfriend but feel I never could.

Brief bio: my boyfriends brother (who doesn’t offer any help or really show any interest in what we’re up to, unlike my boyfriend back to them) recently had baby, first in the family, followed by some of our close friends. We are similar age but are on our own slower chilled path of life! But the baby things is getting to me...

And then today my boyfriend was asked to babysit tomorrow because they can’t find childcare. He is freelance so works from home so yes he can be flexible but he is effectively taking the morning off work to do it and I don’t agree at all, they should take the day off if they can’t get childcare! How can I begrudge my boyfriend for being kind? But I begrudge his brother for how he is so

Brother + baby issues = the complex frustrations of my mind at the moment...

So this is what I want to say...

I’m struggling so much inside because I could never tell you how I really feel. I’d never want to upset you or make you conscious of stuff or ruin anything because these are my own feelings and its unfair on you. Maybe they’re stupid and its silly or maybe it’s natural to feel like this I don’t know but I’m trying so hard to keep things to myself but I’m sorry I feel this way.

I know I already show some of how I feel like today and you know why that is. Your brother really does bug me and it has really started to affect how I feel about things. It’s sad to sit and listen to how you feel about your relationship with him and that he doesn’t pay any interest. And all the stuff with him not helping you like you always do etc. And I can’t just ignore that or not hold a grudge like you do. Because I always think when you help them about if the shoe was on the other foot, I don’t feel he’d support in the same way, maybe he would but he doesn’t do much to show it now. And there’s been plenty of those times already. So therefore I begrudge the fact that you are so wonderfully caring and kind and will always help because it doesn’t feel reciprocated and I don’t think that’s fair. He never asks how I am like you do to his wife. He wouldn’t stop everything at the drop of a hat to come and help you like you do, nothings ever a problem for you but there’s always an excuse with him. So why do they get so much attention and fuss and help when we don’t back?? Just because they’ve got a baby?

So yes it does have an affect on how I feel about things and maybe why I feel more the way I do.

Because it’s more than just him. And this is what I can’t ever say because it’s unfair on you to say how I feel. But I have actually found it so hard since their baby was born and other friends babies, to make sense of my feelings I guess. I’ve felt so mixed, which make sense to me in some ways but not in others and I don’t know how to deal with it all.

To suddenly start having friends and family having babies is of course natural and exciting.

But I felt overwhelmed with the excitement particularly over your niece. Like it was too much? And I felt a bit resistant.

Was it because it wasn’t mine??
But I don’t want that yet?

So why did I care?

All the attention.

All the comments to me about “it’ll be you next”, “doesn’t it make you want one?”

I know it’s probably standard stuff but suddenly I felt so self conscious and like I was being judged right from almost the word go, if I showed any interaction someone would be thinking “oh look she obviously wants a baby”

And I actually overheard that, from your dad when your Mum said “I asked if she wants a baby and she said not anytime soon” and your dad said “of course she does, you can tell”

And suddenly I just felt so self conscious, why do people make those decisions for you??? Is my every move being watched and judged??

Why am I so bothered??? Why so self conscious?

Of course you do start thinking about it, family, especially at our age and as we’ve talked about and I am so happy with what we’re doing and how we’re enjoying being together, planning things for our future.

But I guess when what we see for our future is happening around you now suddenly I feel myself feeling these things,...

Pressure. Do I want it now too?? Should we be doing that too? Joining in?

Resenting. All the fuss over them. When your brothers so unsociable towards everyone else and disinterested

Resenting that I want our first experiences to be with our baby not someone else’s. And that watching you with other babies has made me so wary of that pang to want those moments to remain ours. You see your niece so much and are so loving like she’s yours! I know you would be of course as an uncle but I’ve found that so hard, I’m shocked, like I don’t want you to look after her I want that to be for the first time you look after our baby. It’s absurd to think like that, I’m ashamed to.

Resistance. We’re not there yet so I don’t want to know about anyone else.

Or I’m jealous? Because it’s not us? Because we’re not thinking about that yet? So it makes me want it just so that you’re not experiencing someone else’s but ours instead.

But I don’t want it now because I love our plans and what we wanna do and I want that to happen first but therefore because we’re not doing the baby things yet I don’t want us to be round others

It’s absurd but it’s like I want to live in a bubble and just experience all these milestones just us. I want it all and want to do everything, but for us only us. Be together, travel, career and have a family and it be so special. Even the thought of those around us telling us “how it’s done” if we do start a family, I want to find out for ourselves.

It’s just so mixed up how I feel about everything. And I’m sorry.