Advice

hi Rebel!
I went also through that.That was some time ago and lasted for a year or so being really bad....I went out through medicines,therapy and time...I mean,I guess you´re not going to be like this all your life,I went out fro it,though I thought I wasn´t going to.

Hi Rebel

Sounds like you are doing a full re-assessment job on your life! It's no wonder you feel shaky - it's like taking the foundations out from underneath your house and hoping that it won't fall down...

... but at the same time you know you need to re-build, or at least remodel the house, because the structure as it is has ceased to be right for you - there is too big a gap between how the world actually is and how you thought it would be.

It's an uncomfortable time/place to be, but also one of hope, because it shows that you are not clinging rigidly to the old outworn structure, but are actually seeking a new way of being. It's worth persevering with that, and coming to a new understanding of yourself.

You might be able to find someone to help you here

Keep talking to us and let us know how you get on!

Kathleen

hi all,
Just thought i'd say thanks to the two of you for replying..its nice to know that somebody has experienced something like this and been able to get over it.

Alot of what you say reference "my foundations" is probably true..I knew it would'nt be easy leaving the Forces...but could it really affect my personality or self confidence?..I dont know why but I feel like my depression has allways been there, lurking away, waiting for an opportunity to Zap me!..I think my worst fear of all is not being able to meet new people..I start a new job soon and i'm terrified ill be disliked!..sounds stupid I know..in a way i've allready singled myself out as being different!..I dont know why I feel like this and cant understand how it's developed. I suppose the hardest thing to come to terms with is why i seem to feel this way now, I used to be easygoing and made friends quite easily so I cant seem to undestand why this type of thinking has emerged...hmmm..probably going on a bit now so ill give it a rest!..thanks again for your time and the info!

R.

Hi Rebel,

You are right about this... I think you are definately depressed. However, you seem to be completely aware of the fact that your depression is not really linked to a wave of negative thoughts, but more like an inability to feel the normal positive emotions you have. One aspect of depression is that your self confidence takes a battering, and you don't operate within your normal comfort zone in social situations. When meeting new people, or even people you already know, it does become very difficult at times to connect with them, especially when they're in a good mood (do you find yourself thinking "what have they got to be so chirpy about?"), but try to be aware that alot of this is down to the fact that if you don't feel good, then you don't feel comfortable. This will pass. Sometimes it lasts for a few days, and other times it lasts for a year, but this largely depends on whether you are able to find a coping strategy that works for you.

You say you are ex-services, although you don't say how long you've been out for. Your depression might not be at all related to leaving the forces, but you should know that a large proportion of career soldiers etc have depression after they return to civilian life, and as a consequence of this, Ex-servicemen Associations often have particularly good connections with counsellors who can help you, as well as self help groups with people who may be able to help. What you should know is that depression is basically a slight deficiency of the feel good chemicals in the brain which is triggered by stressful events. Feeling flat is frustrating but be aware that feeling flat is not the same as feeling negative about life. Don't let negative thoughts and feelings of low self worth affect you; the reality is that they appear to be more relevant during depressed phases because you physically can't feel positive about your good aspects. If you know you SHOULD be feeling good about something but you're not... don't allow yourself to start focusing on your negative emotions and thoughts

You sound like you're in control, and are just concerned about what lies ahead. Just take one day at a time, give yourself a little break and get out the house (going to see family often helps), or try and do something to keep your mind and senses occupied. Just make sure you resist the temptation to become introspective until after you have started to feel a bit better.

If you feel ashamed, try to look at it this way. People who keep physically fit are still prone to physical illness. People who keep mentally fit are still prone to mental illness. Physical illnesses range from a mild flu, right through to cancer. Mental illnesses range from mild depression to schizophrenia to obsessive compulsive disorder. Do you feel ashamed when you get a cold??? This is no different. And depression is a very very common affliction... I've read in a few sources that one in four people suffer from it at some point in their lives... and they're just the ones that seek help/diagnosis!

The people on here are really switched on so take on board what they say. You may feel at times that you aren't connecting or that people won't like you, low self esteem is the most common aspect but can be exagerated by your negative thinking along these lines. People almost certainly don't view you as you do yourself, take compliments on board, people don't give them without reason. Try to smile, it can be hard but a warm outer will make all else much better, yes, it can be very hard!
You,ve been happy before so remember how that felt. Don't be hard on yourself or self analyse, that all becomes a self fulfilling prophecy if you do. I know nothing really but have suffered for years and am learning about the reasons behind this, like you my upbringing wasn't that bad but you need to realise it's not how you gauge those experiences against those of others, it's how YOU feel about it that counts. There is no shame in any of your past or how you feel now.
This is a bad experience for us all but remember you are not alone, the world is full of good people and a large number visit this site.
If you read some of the other posts you will see that there are striking similarities between most of our situations all tainted by each others perspectives.
Try to keep busy, do the things you enjoy, excercise, eat well, listen to good, happy music and ask yourself questions about how you can start to feel better. Look at it this way, your thoughts keep these feelings fresh, if you can change these patterns to ask, " How can I stop this and start to feel better, return to my normal self", your mind may give you some positive answers or guidance. The past is just that, tomorrow we don't know yet but the present is just that, a gift so live it and enjoy it.
Take care

Hi,
Thank's to the both of you for taking time to reply, Alot of what you've said makes alot of sence...im trying to keep as active as I can but seem to be withdrawing from people more and more. With the way I feel right now I dont want to be around anyone..not even my family. I think low self esteem is having a big part to play in keeping me depressed as I constantly chastize myself for not being able to socialise properaly or have a normal conversation...When i'm in other peoples company I get an feeling of just wanting to escape..I dont seem to be able to think of anything to say..even with people i've know for years and have alot in common with..hence the unncomfortable silences that usually occur..or me trying to force myself to make conversation..but in doing this i find myself talking alot of crap and feeling pretty stupid afterwards..can this also be a symptom of depression? To answer Davids Question of: do I find myself thinking "what have you got to be so chirpy about!" when I'm around somebody that appears to be happy
..thats probaly true! and I also seem to be getting pangs of envy when I see somebody thats happy..thinking to myself..huh..i used to be like that!..I think I know deep down that this is a distructive way of thinking..and sija is probably right on the button about trying not to be so hard on myself..i think I've done that all my life..but since i've been depressed the feeling's of inadequacy are having a more profound effect on my outlook of things, thanks again for your time.

R.

This is the mainstay of low self esteem, maybe one of the moderators can speak more meaningfully about this. You beat yourself up because you don't feel good enough, very few people you know will hold this opinion of you.
I've spent my life seeking the approval of others to compensate but it doesn't work, you have to accept yourself, then the things you dislike stop being as much of a problem. You are a decent person, you could never suffer otherwise. Read good books, not self help exclusively, read the papers, watch films, comedy is good. Makes for a great topic of conversation, you'll feel less isolated and more connected.
Find as much as possible to fill your time without ignoring the issues, as you start to feel better you may well be better equipped to deal with the deeper issues and NEVER EVER GIVE UP!!!! You can get through this and beat it for good, we all can.

H Rebel

It sounds to me like you are experiencing all the normal feelings and thoughts for someone who is going through a depression. It is interesting that you say 'that is what I use to be like'. I always think of this as the REAL you, before depression got its claws into you. By remembering the real you as much as you can, thinking how the real you would deal with things, you can push depression further away. Depression thrives by getting you to ask 'why am i like this' (and other upsetting and unanswerable questions) Concentrating on remembering what you are really like will help you move out of this period. If you find this difficult to do yourself, a well-trained therapist would be able to help the process along.

Best of luck

Roger

Hi all,
Looking back,I think i've had low self esteem for most of my life...It that means always worrying about what others think...instead of just being comfortable and happy with who I am...this just seems to be compounded since i've been depressed..im looking for a theraspist at the mo..but most ive spoken to have very high cost's (mostly between £85-£100 a session)..this just is'nt a realistic buget for me to work from.....but most of the people who are trained in cognative therapy seem to have high prices..but im still looking. Going out for the first time in months tonight..to be honest im dreading it..but who knows!..thanks again for your time and replys.

R.

Hi again,

Had a really bad day today...started the training for my new job...and as per the norm latley, i ended up being terrified of meeting the new people on the course. They seem like a good bunch..but the whole day i felt anxious and an overwhelming feeling to run! This anxious feeling was so powerful i could feel my heart beating in my chest and felt physically sick when we went for lunch...I hardly touched it and made some excuse that it just was'nt what I wanted. This feeling made me feel very low...I think mainly because i seem to have no control over it. Is this just another symptom of my depression?? Now I am sitting here thinking about it the anxious feeling subsided at points thoughout the day...usually when I didnt have to speak to anyone, but as soon as the group stared talking with each other ( i.e in breaks etc) I mostly just said nothing and just wanted the day to end. The only time I seem to feel comfortable is when im on my own...and of course the thoughts of "why am i like this now??" or "what the hell has happened to me?" started to whizz around my now very tired mind.

I have managed to find a therapist but im a bit uncertain its the right therapy for me. She does'nt use cognative therapy..but i feel comfortable speaking to her and alot of what she is telling me makes good sence. I had my second meeting with her today and i told her what had happened at work...i actually told her that i didnt really know if I wanted this job but just took it as my previous one was going nowhere. I Explained to her how i had felt today and told her that i was thinking of jacking in this job...mainly because i just cant stand to be around new people at the moment and the feeling i get when i am seems to make me feel worse and worse. She suggested that it might be a good idea if i took some time out now to sort myself out before taking on a new job...this made good sence to me...but am i running away from the problem??i understand that i have to make this chioce on my own...i just dont want to make the wrong one. Im not to sure that leaving this job before ive really started it is going to do me any good...but i really think the more i feel this way around people at the moment the worse im going to get...i feel very confused. If i do sack this job...its where i go from there..maybe it is time for me to put everything on hold till i sort myself out...this will also meen telling people close to me why ive done this...and that aint guna be easy!..im raving on a bit now so ill sign off..just wanted your opinions on this. thanks yet again for your time

A very tired
Rebel

Not really a good idea. I did it , trust me, too much time to think is bad, I made myself worse. You can take several routes really, pick yourself up by the scruff of the neck and face your phobia, it's a hard one to choose and may not help, depends on your strength of character. Or the more sensible one is to talk to yourself in a calm, reassuring manner, ask questions of yourself, why do i feel this way, what is it about this place/people that puts me on edge. The answers are in there. Try breathing excercises too,. relax yourself, they take no thought after a short while, no one will realise what you are doing and it really does help to relax you. Sign up for Roger's and Mark's self confidence course, it's free and on e mail, buy the cd's aswell if you can afford and use them together.
Roger makes a lot of sense in his approach to positive thinking, you need to be very explicit, saying " I am confident" is not enough.
You can deal with this, I promise you, start to believe in yourself. The power of your mind created this feeling/experience and it can turn it round, for good.
Have faith in yourself, I bet you not one person who you meet sees you the way you currently do, that's what needs to change.
Sorry if this seems harsh, not my intention, I really hope you realise that you are not alone. EVER, and people will give you various bits of advice based on what works for them. Pick at the bones and use what feels right for you.
Good luck for the rest of the course, imagine them naked if it helps to make you feel more sociable, that takes the edge off for some I believe, you'll see them all in a different light if you perceive them as just human beings, that's all they are after all.

One of the things to remember, Rebel, is that depression skews your thinking. It is normal to feel nervous in a new job, and when meeting a whole bunch of new people. It's not a sign that there is "something wrong with you".

Secondly, because depression tends to make you rely on emotional, black and white thinking, it is not a good idea to make important life changing decisions while depressed. You may not be very interested in this job, but you could use it in the way sija suggests - to make a framework to hold yourself in while you come through. You can always "sack the job" later, when you are more yourself again!

Kathleen