I dont know what to do anymore..

**Posts:** 9 · by **imasadhuman** » Wed Sep 13, 2017 9:00 pm

My name is Audrey and i'm a 14 year old girl. And I dont know what to do with myself anymore. I've lost all hope and happiness. And i'm just numb of everything other than pain. The only time I ever feel better Is... when I cut. (Its the first time i've ever said it.) I've lost all will to live. and I just dont think I can do this anymore. I dont want to die, but I cant stand this pain. Honestly Its embarrassing, I get panic attacks and flashbacks in the middle of school or church and its so hard to hide what's going on. I cant tell anybody in my family because they will not understand. I cant talk to any of my friends because im supposed to be the strong one. That takes care of everybody else. The one who never gets hurt. Ive been feeling like this for at least 4 years and ive been cutting for three. And I dont know how to stop anymore. When I was 7 my best friend was murdered, by her father, who had been sexually and physically abusing us both. 2 months after her murder I was put into foster care with my 5 year ld little sister because our mother got so deep into drugs that she forgot about us and by the time someone got to us we were almost dead. We were in the same home for two years until Elainia and I were separated. She was taken to her fathers house and I was put in a new house. a year after that I was put back in our original foster house and Elainia was still at her dads. I was adopted by the people that i lived with at tht point. They are 69 rn. They only adopted me because the goverment pays them money every month. At least thats what my adoptive mother said. My dad is pretty coool but i just feel so disconnected from him. Thats my story anyway if tht helps you understand me anymore. Please tell me what you think I should do or how I should stop because I dont feel in control anymore.
-imasadhuman

**Posts:** 190 · by **Translucent** » Fri Sep 15, 2017 1:35 am

Hi Audrey, my name is Pawel. I am 25 years old. I've been emotionally abused for over 17 years by my dad. I also tried to be the tough one, but one day the lie cracked and I ended up in the hospital, and put on medication.

I can't really help you, because only you know your passions and strengths. But I deal with flashbacks, humiliations and painful memories, and only now am I on the verge of conquering them.

My only advice is to always remember God, and always to remember that there ARE good people out there, there are...

I think self-harm is a form of rebellion, no?

I cannot help you further, but if you somehow overcome your difficulties and find that inner happiness, then I would be happy too and would be proud of you.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Fri Sep 15, 2017 5:45 am

imasadhuman wrote:My name is Audrey and i'm a 14 year old girl. And I dont know what to do with myself anymore... I dont feel in control anymore.

Hi Audrey,

I am going to make an analogy, a comparison. Like a prisoner, you have never had real control in life, only the illusion of control. It is not exactly a 1 to 1 comparison, but similar to a prisoner people have had power and authority over you all of your life. Whatever control you have had has been limited.

Sometimes, when a prisoner that has spent most of their life in jail is released, they don't feel in control anymore. Some commit suicide, some try to find a way back to prison. In prison they felt in control, even though really they were not in any sort of real control at all. It was more an illusion of control as they were told when to wake up, when to eat, what to do next, and did what they must to survive in their environment. Understandably for some, being released feels like they lose control even though they are now free to do whatever they wish. The catch, they don't know how, they never learned the skills or knowledge necessary to effectively live outside the prison walls.

At 14 you now for the first time have more opportunity for control than ever before. You are a teenager that is maturing and now has foster parents that sound like they don't want to control you, that don't want power over you, that don't really care that much what you do. It also sounds like they simply don't have the sense to know that you don't know what it really means to have control when one is free from others dictating what you will do. It feels like you are losing control, because you don't know how to respond to this new environment.

What you could use right now is someone to teach you about control. You need a good role model or two that can teach you the skills you are lacking. Do you go to school? Do you belong to any clubs?

**Posts:** 9 · by **imasadhuman** » Fri Sep 15, 2017 3:24 pm

I dont hhave anybody. I do go to school but im not in any clubs.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Fri Sep 15, 2017 4:51 pm

imasadhuman wrote:I dont hhave anybody. I do go to school but im not in any clubs.

And not having anybody can be an issue. We are a social species, we learn from role models. Typically parents fill this role in life. While schools teach reading, writing, and arithmetic, parents are the role models that teach life skills and values. Lacking an effective role model, a teenager may fill that gap however they can in order to gain some sense of control in their lives. This can mean turning to peers (gangs) as a best alternative or drugs to escape, etc. Certainly there are exceptions, where a teen lacking a role model finds a suitable peer group that teaches healthy life skills and values, but that would be hard to find.

Learning control is a life skill. It requires you find a mentor, a role model, someone you can trust and look up to. Given your history this can understandably be tough and seem like an uncomfortable, even daunting task. Yet, it is by no means impossible.

I suggest you seek out advice from two sources:

-1- Go to the school counselor and explain you have no effective role model in your life. Ask for suggestions.

-2- Go to your local YMCA or Boys & Girls Club. They specialize in programs like big brother or big sister, connecting role models with young teens that do not have good role models in their life.

This first step will be the hardest. Searching for a good role model is a big step. Being open to letting them teach you life skills you currently lack can be tough.

**Posts:** 9 · by **imasadhuman** » Fri Sep 15, 2017 8:26 pm

The thing is my foster parents dont let me go anywhere... Im only allowed to go to school and church and other churchy functions. I dont even like this religion anyway. Im allowed to take and extra 20 minutes getting home and 20 minutes to get home (to and from school)

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Sat Sep 16, 2017 11:09 am

imasadhuman wrote:The thing is my foster parents dont let me go anywhere... Im only allowed to go to school and church and other churchy functions. I dont even like this religion anyway. Im allowed to take and extra 20 minutes getting home and 20 minutes to get home (to and from school)

You need effective role models. How do you go about finding mentors, finding people that can help you learn life skills?

I would provide additional suggestions, additional ways to find a good mentor, but your last response shows that whatever the suggestion, your first instinct is to figure out reasons why you can't do something, rather than how you can do something. This too is a way you have learned to give up your control to others.

I will leave you to figure it out. You sound smart enough to work around the minor issue of rules your foster parents currently have.

**Posts:** 9885 · by **Candid** » Sun Sep 17, 2017 4:59 am

Audrey and Translucent, I believe you would both benefit from a visit to this site, http://www.outofthestorm.website/. If the information there sounds right to you, you can sign up to a support forum there.

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