difference between relationship anxiety/falling out of love?

**Posts:** 56 · by **MistyEmbers** » Tue Jun 14, 2011 11:23 pm

I have often questioned this when should you end it between just merely anxiety about it for instance I have a boyfriend I have had him for 2 years and I have always loved him recently I have always had anxiety and when I was stressed from school work I almost ended ruining my relationship and ending it but a few months ago the doubts truly began as to whether I loved my boyfriend or not through a number of different questions such as am I forcing myself to love him? I love him but something inside of me is upset by loving him because not that I don’t love him I still find him just as attractive and as great as always but I worry about not finding him attractive and a million other unrealistic doubts that warp my mind and confuse my heart, mind, and body the thought of not being with him makes me sick but than I worry the thought of being with him makes me sick although there are no facts supporting the fact that being with him makes me sick but there is that I would feel sick and horrible and disgusting if I didn’t I want to stop having obsessive thoughts about this. My mind keeps thinking the only way to erase that is to be friends but every single time I try to be friends I end up crying half hysterical balling my eyes out until I feel sick. The thoughts have been going on for a while and sort of warp the way I see him, my feelings, and everything making me hate myself. Sometimes I get thoughts of like hurting him, or saying mean things to him that I really don’t mean, or thinking that I wouldn’t want to do things with him that I know I do. It has also stopped me from enjoying our time together and from me being able to be the happy person I was before these anxious thoughts do you think this is anxiety or should I break up with him? because every time I hang out with him I'm tempted to say he's just a friend and seeing him as only a friend and forgetting him and the more I say he's just a friend the more upset he gets. I miss the things we used to do before this anxiety and I would like to know if it is anxiety or my brain telling me to leave him I cry a lot more than I ever did before to the point that I hate the idea of crying and he and my family and friends are sick of hearing about it but these thoughts never die. Then when he does nice things I think I don't derserve them and that him and his mom are being too nice to me because I don't like the person I am currently. I need advice someone help me!! It's like I miss everything we were doing before this anxiety happened not that we had like things people my age do like sex but he's the sweetest most caring guy and I love him but now I'm feeling as if I don't and I don't like myself I think I'm scared to death I mean this man means EVERYTHING to me and yet I can't love him or act like I do and it makes me scared so scared because I think he deserves someone who doesn't have these problems he deserves someone who knows she loves him and it makes me cry because even though he's my first boyfriend and I'm only 19 he has done everything for me and yet I see him in a totally warped way and he's getting sick of it I mean it's horrible some days I forget the things we did and he seems like a stranger or a friend and it scares me because what if I'm not in love? I mean I keep thinking I'm not so it must mean I'm not everything we do together makes me cry and I don't want a break from him because at this point taking a break will only make the problem worse I feel like I am a living nightmare the nicer he is to me the worse I feel because I don’t find myself deserving of it. I feel neauscious almost all the time and have a nervous burp as well. I’ve also had thoughts about hurting myself or others even though this isn’t possible since I’m a pacifist and can’t hurt anyone especially myself. I have tried counseling I have tried everything I don’t want to lose him because even though I get thoughts I’m tricking or forcing myself to love him I feel sometimes the same way I did before. I see horrible things in him that I never saw before this anxiety and I find myself wanting to break up with him or something I don’t think taking a break would be a good idea since when I’m away from him the thoughts get worse and I cry regardless. I need someone to tell me I’m not a freak and how to control this once and for all. I mean it feels weird I'm not used to having him touch me and when he does I want to be like your a friend and tell him I don't love him and am feeling myself feeling myself forcing myself to love him or lying to myself out of fears This anxiety has tricked me into thinking I don't love him and only want him as a friend and making me be ok with not being together and I say mean things that a girlfriend just wouldn't say to their boyfriend I feel like all the emotions I had for him are gone please tell me this is the anxiety. Tonight when I went out to dinner with my boyfriend and mom the restaurant looked weird to me and I did not recognize my boyfriend or mom and than my heart started racing and I cried uncontrollably and when I was done I felt more and more and more tears coming down. I worry about everything and anything but worrying about my boyfriend is by far the worst. I find it hard to want to eat, talk to friends, live my ordinary life, care, have fun, sleep and have the great life I used to have I know this can’t all be because of my boyfriend can it? I think of dumping him and my brain has convinced me he's a friend or an ex boyfriend it truly is horrible I don't cry anymore but whenever I get close to dumping him I freeze and get gulping noises although sometimes I don't feel the way I did before will I ever be normal again or should I dump him? He's beyond sweet, sensitive, funny, great, handsome, and makes me melt would I regret dumping him? If you think something does that mean on some subconscious level you want it? Why is one part of my brain saying one thing and the other is saying something completely opposite? I want to go away to college but I need to know if these are just thoughts or if I should act on them and if they are just thoughts how to get rid of them I even feel myself pushing away saying your just a friend and stuff like that and it makes me gulp Although I am a rare case every time I try to end my relationship no matter how much I may not want to be in it at the moments I never do anything about it I don't break up with him and can't find myself doing it because it would be pointless since there is no reasoning behind it. I have in these 3 months cried over it and went over and over about it but I stopped doing those things as much but still get very scared most of the time at ending the relationship I just worry because the excessive thoughts and crying has disappeared I don't want to think of him as just a friend or an ex I mean is it my unconscious saying I want this to be a reality or just crap?

**Posts:** 1 · by **taylor3** » Thu Dec 27, 2012 5:17 am

hi, i've experienced a lot of what you're going through and for different reasons. and once you start to look at it a lot (it took me some therapy as well), you begin to realize that it's maybe not your relationship.

my boyfriend is amazing. i mean, we have been together for 2 years also, and i am also 19. he is definitely not my first relationship, although he is my first serious one. about eight months ago, i began feeling really anxious, because one day, out of no where, the thought popped in my head of us breaking up and i would make myself imagine these really terrible things just to see how i would feel about them. eventually, it snowballed.

one of the reasons i began feeling that was is because i have commitment issues. i love this man more than anything in the world, but i come from a broken family. the only relationships i have ever seen have been on tv or in high school and not only did those relationships not last, they were riddled with drama. he comes from a family full of love and commitment is something that he understands. it took some explaining. i still have to remind myself that it is okay to be in love, that it is okay to commit, that it is okay to be with somebody.

second, i'm an anxious person. i grew up in my mothers house, where every small thing was the end of the world. that childhood, mixed with my fathers biology (a history of anxiety), put me at a very high risk for leading a high stress/anxiety life. i still battle it everyday.

third, i wasn't fulfilling myself in any way. i had a crappy job at the time and he was working seven days a week so we could save up to move out. not only did i not feel like i was contributing, but doing nothing will literally drive you crazy. i'm hyper attentive also (my therapist's words) and i can typically pay attention to multiple thoughts at one time which is why i need things to distract me. usually, if you think an anxious thought, if you distract yourself, then revisit it, you'll be calmer and able to think clearer.

fourth, we had lost some communication and relationship skills and had grown apart somewhat. this is a normal cycle in ALL relationships, i can tell you that. sometimes you feel like partners in crime and sometimes you get bored. we have rebuilt that and are since doing great.

fifth, we began to realize that anytime i felt like my life was going nowhere or when i became hopeless with things, i would doubt everything i was doing and question my relationship, even though there was nothing wrong with it in the first place. i just had a big thing happen to me at work today, actually, and yesterday with college, and i have been feeling so distant from him and like we have all these problems that in reality don't exist. i freak out when i feel like my life is falling apart.

sixth, every relationship goes through cycles. when you first started dating, there is the infatuation stage (and not every couple goes through this). it is literally you being high on the chemicals released in your brain. when that stage ends, you get down to the nitty gritty and get to know your partner on a deeper level. you can even look up the relationship stages, if it helps. one of the things that is completely natural is to doubt when you are evaluating whether or not you want to be with this person. sometimes, you'll regress back to different stages, sometimes you won't. every relationship is different.

last, remember that love is not actually an emotion. love is a choice, delegated by action. i do things for my boyfriend that i would never do for anybody else (at least not happily). i am encouraged to be patient and kind and to be an overall better person. if you find somebody who does that for you, that's who you want to be with. maybe one of the reasons i listed applies to you and i certainly hope it helps. it might be that you need to find help and it might be not.

good luck.

**Posts:** 14140 · by **jurplesman** » Wed Jan 02, 2013 6:54 am

So long you keep on suffering from anxiety, it does not matter what is going on in the environment or in your relationship, you will continue to be stressed and unhappy.

It is no point troubling about your attitudes or believes, because you anxiety is not of the mind and of your making, but of the body. So long you suffer from hypoglycemia you will remain anxious and not be able to love anybody unconditionally.

Please read:
Beating Anxiety and Phobias

the adoption of the Hypoglycemic Diet may resolve your problems.

**Posts:** 144 · by **Bri620** » Sat Aug 03, 2013 12:53 pm

MistyEmbers, I feel the exact same way as you!! Its very painful. I have the man of my dreams. Everything was perfect until I thought of us ever breaking up and my mind went nuts. I've been suffering with this for the past 7 months

Some days are better, but lately I've been feeling so empty, emotionless, I wake up with anxiety. I see my boyfriend and relationship so different and it kills me. Everything was perfect, I was on cloud nine, and out of no where within seconds I felt like I was at the bottom of the sea. I know you posted 2 years ago, but if you see this please respond and let me know how things are. I really hope you've been able to get through this! I know how hard it is.

**Posts:** 318 · by **SauryB** » Sat Aug 03, 2013 1:37 pm

Hi Bri,
Go read the forum "anxiety and love".
You are definatly NOT alone!!
And go to therapy!It helps a lot!
Be strong and good luck.

**Posts:** 144 · by **Bri620** » Sat Aug 03, 2013 2:04 pm

Thank You so much Saury! It brought tears to my eyes as soon as I started reading it.

**Posts:** 4 · by **worry1734** » Tue Sep 08, 2015 3:50 pm

Hello guys!
I know you posted forever ago but I have seriously been feeling the same thoughts about m boyfriend. I know that I love him to death but I can't stop thinking about what if we don't last. We have been dating for over 3 years now. He is my first serious relationship and I definitely see myself with him for the rest of my life. I have been having this anxiety feeling abut our relationship for probably about a month. It's not as bad as it used to because I see that I am not the only one. I just am so sick of feeling this way. I break down in tears almost everyday.

I graduated from college and I'm not really doing much with what I want to do. I have a lot of self esteem issues and would consider myself a worrier. I worry about every single thing. My mom was definitely a worrier and has anxiety. I haven't gone to therapy yet. But is that the only option?

I really hope you guys see this and just need someone to talk to about this.

**Posts:** 5 · by **narahnicole** » Tue Sep 15, 2015 3:36 am

Reading this was like reading what I would have posted, so no need now. I am only 17, and have only been with my boyfriend about a year, however, with you being fairly young and this in love and concerned I assume you understand that it doesn't make very much of a difference. But anyways, I'm currently in that inner battle as well, hoping and praying for that light at the end of the tunnel somewhere, trying to ward off the ever persistent doubts. Some words of encouragement though, for one, we both realize now we are not alone, which helps a lot, for me at least, also, although some things, like looking into my boyfriends eyes and hearing deeply emotional statements, make me anxious and guilty, times where my mind is distracted, like when we are out, at dinner, joking around, whatever, I feel just as in love as ever, kinda going along with that whole bestfriend thing, which I encourage you along with myself to see the amazing positivity in that, as well as how ridiculous it makes these thoughts seem, we are leaning and looking to the person during this time of crisis that our brain is telling us is the problem, they're still our bestfriend and ultimately I think that's the most important thing. Also, not sure if this happens to you, but whenever I just wake up, or have suddenly become completely in the moment of something, I feel the feelings just as strong as I used to. In other words, without anxiety, without my head, there is no problem. Try that sometime, call him as soon as you wake up in the morning or middle of the night or whatever, and just see how easily those three words slip out of your mouth and a flutter in your heart. Anyways, I'll stop now, but I'd love to talk about this sometime if you want, finally someone who understands.

**Posts:** 4 · by **worry1734** » Tue Sep 15, 2015 7:45 pm

narahnicole,

I agree with everything you said! seriously i feel the same way. I really like how you say he is out best friend so we need to think of that. I just feel so guilty that I do pin this all on him when he is not doing anything wrong. I am 23 and he wants me to move in with him but I feel as though I shouldn't since I have these thoughts.. I am also waiting until I get a job and he understands that. I think I am very nervous to move in with him too because what if something happens, especially with all these feelings..

But I tell him I love him when I am not feeling anxiety during the day and I just know that I want to be with him so these thoughts just make me so mad.

I am so glad you replied to me because I really need someone to talk to!

**Posts:** 5 · by **narahnicole** » Tue Sep 15, 2015 8:50 pm

Sorry, thought I was replying to the main post that's why I said 17 haha but I mean I completely relate to your post as well. Especially the thing about telling them I love them during the day in those split seconds or moments anxiety subsides. The only thing that keeps me holding besides the memories which make me more mad than ever. Knowing how easily all-out-love for him came ya know? I wish I could just transport myself back to that.

**Posts:** 4 · by **worry1734** » Wed Sep 16, 2015 1:10 am

I wish I could go back to that time too. I also look at other couples and get jealous that I am not feeling the same way as other couples. That has been really hard for me. Have you gone to therapy or anything?

**Posts:** 5 · by **narahnicole** » Wed Sep 16, 2015 3:18 am

No, I have not gone to therapy, worry1734. Not sure if my post from the first time went through but forgot to elaborate on this anyways. As I said I'm only 17, in my senior year of highschool, and therapy concerning a longterm relationship like this would be scoffed at and looked past I'm sure. I plan on attending though as I get older and if this still continues. Do you go?

**Posts:** 4 · by **worry1734** » Wed Sep 16, 2015 4:50 pm

I don't think that would be scoffed at just because you are so young though. It's anxiety and thats something to be serious about. I have not been to therapy. I was going to see if I got a job and got my life together then maybe it would get better. If it doesn't, then I will definitely consider therapy.

**Posts:** 2 · by **AndroidGirl** » Thu Apr 21, 2016 1:53 am

Guys, I know your replies are WAAAYYY TOOO OLD BUT I am very much relieved because I am feeling the same way as what the OP said.. I also feel the same.

This started when I met a stranger and he became my crush. **HE IS A COMPLETE STRANGER** I had a crush on him because he's just good looking. and then, I am so happy to see him, I feel butterflies in my stomach. But then suddenly, it triggered in me, ----- What if I fall out of love because I am already having a crush on someone else?"

even if I know I love my boyfriend deeeep inside my heart, this thoughts wont go away! :'( Sometimes, it's making me cry so much. Sometimes I feel like i hate him, like I dont want him. Like staying friends is just better. But then when I think about us breaking up, it would really hurt me!

Some other time, I feel like i really miss him so much, and then there comes the weird feeling again! Like, I would have a feeling that I don't want him to be with me, but then when he is not with me, i feel sad. I will also have a feeling that I am better off without him. And then suddenly, I'll cry then I'll regret what i felt. It sucks my energy. :'(

I know deep inside I love him so much, like if you are going to describe, if you'll whack my heart, you will see him in the deepest part. I hope this goes away. I want him, I love him.. All I want now is to love him even more.. without me being like this :'(

AND THANK YOU SO MUCH GUYS, BECAUSE OF YOUR REPLIES, NOW I UNDERSTAND THAT I AM HAVING ANXIETY :'( AND THAT I AM NOT ALONE IN THIS BATTLE. I AM WITH YOU.. WE ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS!

**Posts:** 20 · by **enigma1** » Thu Apr 21, 2016 5:15 am

To all who have a perfect bf and are worried of losing him:
Is there a reason why you think so? If not, let such thoughts be and enjoy your relationship or you will cause the breakup which you fear. Men prefer cheerful gfs, no? If he chose you it was prob not because you were crying somewhere.
If you lose him, life will go on. There are 6 billion people out there, someone else is bound to be a good partner again.
You haven't learned to live with yourself yet. After you learn it, you will become calm.

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