bulimia? and general downturns

Hi, i'm totally new here so apologies in advance if i've posted in the wrong place! My problems with eating began when i was 16, about 2 years ago now. i began starving myself for a few days at a time or living on low calorie levels day by day. i never hit an unhealthy weight and still havent (it all kicked off as i was at a BMI of around 26, im 5 foot 5.5 and weighed 162lbs at the time). So i would by no means say i was ever anorexic but definitely developed disordered eating. My problems with bulimia really began about a year ago. i went through months of abusing laxatives between daily and 3 times a week or so and also developed onto purging. I think most of these problems were tied into a long relationship i was in that broke off just before the christmas just gone. At that point i would say i became relatively normal, by this january i wasnt cutting calories or purging or anything of the such like but did begin taking illegal drugs. I am currently at university so going out clubbing regularly (2-4 nights a week) and essentially binge drinking and or taking drugs. I've recently begun smoking more often as well and in the last few weeks begun purging again, every day for the last week or so.


in all honesty im not SURE why im posting here, but i seem to have this constant drive to do myself damage in some way or another (i ussed to self harm when i was younger, 14 or so). i think if anything im hoping just to try to find a way to escape the self-hatred i clearly must have. i don't actively hate myself day in day out but when i get onto the topic i find a lot of issues i seem to have with myself. I do have a lot of knowledge i feel on eating disorders im in no doubt about diagnostic criteria and typical behaviours but nothing i read quite seems to help me in a way to get rid of it, or just become what would be deemed a "normal" person.

I'm just worried that im really abusing my body and may do permanent damage, but at the same time seem unable to stop what im doing?

i know this has been quite a long post so thank you to any of you who take the time to read it, to some extent i think maybe i just want to feel less alone through it?