Hi, I'm Michelle

Hi, Michelle. . .

MichelleKingman wrote:I spent the vast majority of my life . . .very angry

How did you get past this? Unlike the main character in the movie "One Eyed Jacks" I will never get revenge on the people who wronged me.

Hi Beloved,

Living in severe anger and depression was so difficult that I just had to find the way out. I literally used to think that my day was a success because I didn't kill myself. It's hard to believe I lived like that and I am so glad to not be like that anymore.

I still get depressed and angry but not in that uncontrollable way that made me feel like someone else was taking over my body and I was just a bystander. I knew in my heart that I could heal myself I just didn't know how.

After a long search, the very best thing that helped me get past it was I got my hands on some free ebooks and articles written by a couple named Mark and Angela Prichard, aka belsebuub.

Revenge will never set you free anyway. It will only take you further into the pit of despair.

In my opinion, the only way out is to take action on things you can control and take responsibility for things you can. Doing this can take away the feeling that you are at the mercy of other people.

How to do that is a whole journey and if you are taking steps in that direction, you can lean on me and I'll be more than happy to talk you through what worked for me and help you investigate what can work for you.

Love,

Michelle

MichelleKingman wrote: made me feel like someone else was taking over my body and I was just a bystander.

I've never heard of that. I guess it's a form of dissociation.

The angriest I've ever gotten was when I transiently "thought in pictures", images that flashed by.

I'm glad you're better.

Thanks Beloved. How are you doing now?

People at the gym seem to be able to convert anger into a good workout, but when I have something hanging over me, I do badly. I guess that's my current challenge.

[quote=...but when I have something hanging over me, I do badly. I guess that's my current challenge.[/quote]

When you say, hanging over you, do you mean something currently stressing you out? Or do you mean something else, just wanted to understand where you are coming from.

I personally have not found it helpful to convert anger into anything, although I have heard that a lot... "burn off steam" or what not... what I found it that while this may suppress the emotion temporarily for me, it was actually under the surface feeding that emotion which in the long run meant a big blow up so I just avoid that technique. For me it has to be get myself into the present moment and back with the 5 senses.

It helps me is to consciously choose that the anger is not me and that I am not going to go along with it. This can be super duper hard because a lot of times I am justifying the anger and I am attached to it, but many times I don't even want to be angry and I can't help it... those were the first ones to go for. I had to fight against your own mind to achieve the results but it was worth it.

That day I had to find a VW dealer who would sell me an oil filter without wanting my e-mail address and all phone numbers.

The selling dealer talked down to me (see framing) and makes service appointments for me by e-mail that I didn't ask for. Even the car is telling me it needs service, apparently determined by an internal counter that counted to 365, rather than related to any wear or tear or actual malfunction.

I actually found a good parts dept. by pretending not to know anything about cars and that I was acting on someone else's behalf.
Both guys were foreigners and that helped, too. They weren't so sure of themselves.

Sometimes at these places I pretend to be mute; that really throws them off. They all want to upsell.

BTW, I find it hard to be angry on a full stomach and. . .I may also have this delusion
http://www.amazon.com/The-Belief-Just-W ... 0306404958

We condition the mind how to feel about something because experiences we had before, we condition the mind how we approach/respond one situation,

How we feel about a situation or how we feel about something: most of times we exaggeratte, like we make it look worse than it is; example i see people afraid from little chiwawa and they make a poor little chiwawa look as dangerous as a lion...

Now i dont really focus too much on positive thinking but: I remind myself sometimes to try and see the situation as it is without making it look worse than it is;

Now just because results dont always match our expectations it doesnt mean that we always done bad, maybe our expectations was wrong, our approach was wrong, instead of approaching more relaxed and be like; " i dont know about this, lets see what we can do.. " we were always devaluing our success, because we wanted more than that,

Having good times: teaches the mind to feel good about one situation, teaches the mind to choose different options instead of fight/flight our mind is teaching to relax, love, ignore .

Laureat,

laureat wrote:...I remind myself sometimes to try and see the situation as it is without making it look worse than it is...
...Now just because results dont always match our expectations ...

I like what you are saying about seeing things as they are, that helps me a lot too. I also think looking into expectations is very helpful because I find when I get really angry it is because of a swing from anger to disappointment.

Beloved,

Beloved wrote:...Sometimes at these places I pretend to be mute; that really throws them off. They all want to upsell.

BTW, I find it hard to be angry on a full stomach and. . .I may also have this delusion...

Do you actually pretend to be mute?! LOLI hope that doesn't offend you that i think that's funny.

Getting serious though, I think that one of the most important things to do which is very very hard for me ... and I'm still working on it is to be able to not be affected by what other people do, think and say... This is a really big goal for me, to be able to be strong enough to be emotionally and mentally clear regardless of what other people are doing. Once I achieve that, I feel that I will actually be in control of my own life and not just pushed around by other people. Currently if someone else is upset with me... it drags me down.. but I am working on that.

Michelle

MichelleKingman wrote:is to be able to not be affected by what other people do, think and say... This is a really big goal for me, to be able to be strong enough to be emotionally and mentally clear regardless of what other people are doing. Once I achieve that, I feel that I will actually be in control of my own life and not just pushed around by other people. Currently if someone else is upset with me... it drags me down.. but I am working on that.

We have an offensive person at the gym who sucks people in with inflammatory remarks and then uses illogical arguments to keep the debate going, while thoroughly enjoying himself. I think he wants attention and I feel this is an illegitimate way to get it.

I first look for logical flaws in his position, then if anything remains, whether there is any truth in what he says.
If it is personal remarks, I know myself (there are textbooks about my personality type) so I can check the validity.

I try to categorize his method: ad hominem, straw man argument, bandwagon, etc..

Then I figure out ways to stop him, either gently or in a way that he will find unpleasant.
Insight can be used to heal or to hurt. Peg him in the DSM if you can and use this info to tell him about himself with unsettling accuracy.

You are also free to say, "I find your conduct offensive."
If he wants to regain control by asking questions, you can say "I don't wish to say."
If he calls you names, he is "defining" you, which is one method abusers use, according to Virginia Satir.

It's verbal judo.

Yesterday a clerk at the Home Depot was rude. After I finally got my correct change I said, "Your body language tells me that you hate this job." [process commentary] Then, "Do you hate this job?"

She looked at me with narrowed eyes and said, "No, I don't hate this job." I said, "Good. Because the next time this happens I will be talking to your supervisor."
But. . .my bad. . .I forgot to say the last words with a snarl and loud enough to attract attention.
If the situation calls for it, show your upper and lower teeth - it makes people stop and think. Rally as much hatred as you can and use your abdominal muscles to give your voice real force. Then switch back to a normal tone.

People have countermoves to these tactics and you will learn them over the years. Just when you think you've seen the last word game, another one pops up. It helps if you mentally have three or more responses at the ready.

If it's between men and women, Deborah Tannen wrote about their different styles and the resulting confusion, and I still get into situations right out of her books.

The only person I can control is me. It would take way to much energy to try to control others. If I get myself into a clear emotional and mental state, I can handle what others throw at me and sometimes I can even help them. The thing I've noticed, is that everyone is suffering on some level or another and the attacks are usually defensive. People aren't thinking about me they are thinking about themselves. There is really no point in getting dragged into their issues and emotions.

I feel more like they are predators and they are testing to see if I'm prey. The result is either a drawn-out tie (like in a work situation) or they are quickly dissuaded and peddle their dreams of domination elsewhere.
I suppose I get the needed momentary extra energy from adrenaline.

The really difficult cases are people I know well who I know have gotten a raw deal. I can't really blame them for their behavior but I also refuse to let them walk over me. What little contact I have with them involves me trying to give them insight into their conduct so they can understand my responses.

What's also in here is that women get along by cooperation and men get along by competition.

I had to smile at this case.
Person A at the gym tried to stare me down but he kowtows to person B, and person B looks at me with deference, but person A is apparently not aware of this. I don't think I will enlighten him any time soon. . .

What DAW do you use?

I like fl studio: the harmor plugin is really exciting to do sound design with...

beloved you seem to see the world differently to me.

i think this is the source of your anger. you see the world as a hostile place. people are out to get you so you get them before they get you. or something like that.

whereas i try to see the best in people & then i am surprised & hurt when someone tries to take advantage of me. & often i don't know what to do & fall into submission. something i could work on is being more assertive.

but i also like what michelle said. about not trying to control others & just working on yourself so that you're unaffected by their nonsense. i think that in trying so hard to be the alpha male & be dominating & not dominated you can start to see fights everywhere & create conflicts where none need to exist. in this way actually you can end up being controlled by others even though you are so keen to show them that you are not under their control. i find for myself i can start thinking in this way of not wanting to be under control but it manifests in more passive-aggressive ways for me.