This is quite a difficult thing to start and write... Ive been with my partner for 6.5years....a couple of fridays ago he walked through the door and exclaimed 'there was no savings' as we were saving for a mortgage deposit together, after a massive arguement he left me, only saying he was in debt n he'd eating away all the money. I have no idea what he was on about, i know we'd had our problems and had gone to relate in the past as he was found out the be a liar towards me but i have no idea of he scale of the sh*t that had just hit the fan. after a week at his mums, where he got no support he agreed to come home, to sleep in the spare room and get help. So now he wants to be single but live under the same roof as me, i love him with all my heart and for some reason i dont seem to care that all the money has gone, i just know i want to help him and love him and for him to love me.....but he doesnt...or wont.... he has hurt me more than he will ever know by lying to me everyday for the past 6.5 years, there dont appear to be any answers he wants to give me to why he ha hurt the one person he loves. he just keeps pushing me away more, i have taken him back given up drinking and had to trust him again straight away, not throw whats happened in his face, become a calm person, pay off 1000 worth of debt to help him out and still it isnt enough, i dont know what to do to help him anymore, i go to a self help group with him and also pay for his councelling as he as no money, but still after all that he cannot bring himself to share the same bed as me. I feel i cannot support him more but he isnt supporting me at all, which seems unfair, yes he has an eating disorder, a small gambling problem, a porn addiction, and a spending addiction as well as depression but i feel like his janitor, sweeping up n dealin with the mess and for what? Diddly squat, no reciprication what so ever, I feel so low and fat ugly uncared for and certainly unloved. one day he tells someones im his girlfriend the next moment he's telling me were not together, its killing me emotionaly. im a wreck. im not asking for a sexual relationship and lets pretend everythings fine, but to be held at night to know he does want me would mean so much. I feel he cannot deal with the guilt of what he has done to the relationship, he gets mad when i cry, but i cant turn my feelings off like a tap. My life and all that i held dear came crashing around my ankles a few weeks ago and im expected to carry on like everything is fine when its not. i feel shattered inside and only he can put the pieces back together but he chooses not to, he'd rather see me suffer longer. he keeps saying he needs 'time' but thas such an opened ended statement, half an hour? a day? a week? a month? 5 years? when do i realise i watched my life waste away because he's pushed me away for so long. I wish i was supported, like im supporting him. I wish he was greatful, but he's not, i feel used n that i dont have the right to feel emotions because he's the one with the problems. but im the one thats been lied to and hurt and frankly devastated. his lack of feeling is hard to cope with, he just doesnt care about anyone or anything, what do I do? does he really care? am i blind n stupid? i feel in limbo floating around with nothing to grab onto, so lost n alone when all i want is to be loved back
am i asking too much?