Kay here goes..I really think is for me to put down and make a final attempt to process things. I doubt I will be making any kind of sense so I'm sorry if I waste anyones time.
I've reached a point where I feel i'm backed in a corner and have no-where left to turn. I know I'm depressed and i've fought sooo hard not to be but It's a fight I just can't win. If I do start to make some kind of small step forward something instantly comes that knocks me 10 steps back. Everyday is such a fight to get through and I'm so tired of fighting.
It wasn't always bad and I did have a good childhood until I hit 12 so I suppose I should be grateful there as many people have not had that. Once i was 12 some real bad things happened and nothing has went right since. I'm now in my early 30's and just can't take anymore of life's beatings,you know... I just wish I could maybe time travel back to where it all began and try to change things.
I've tried running away from life, medication,therapy, nothing worked. I'm not in any physical pain just a constant hurt inside from when I wake until I sleep.
I also have major issues with letting people in. I worked on that soooo hard and finally let one person in and they used everything against me and it destroyed me....
Somewhere along the way i've ended up lost and I've finally accepted there's no way back. It's just a case of live with the pain and try not to put it on anyone else.
I would love to not be alive anymore but I'm also scared of death sooo hey that kinda sucks. I just wish I had a delete button for my life..
I think I just needed somewhere kind of anon to put my frustrations. I know they are random thoughts in no order or sense so i apologise.
Nikki xo