Lost, scared and broken

**Posts:** 4 · by **Nikki-A** » Fri Mar 23, 2018 9:46 pm

Kay here goes..I really think is for me to put down and make a final attempt to process things. I doubt I will be making any kind of sense so I'm sorry if I waste anyones time.

I've reached a point where I feel i'm backed in a corner and have no-where left to turn. I know I'm depressed and i've fought sooo hard not to be but It's a fight I just can't win. If I do start to make some kind of small step forward something instantly comes that knocks me 10 steps back. Everyday is such a fight to get through and I'm so tired of fighting.

It wasn't always bad and I did have a good childhood until I hit 12 so I suppose I should be grateful there as many people have not had that. Once i was 12 some real bad things happened and nothing has went right since. I'm now in my early 30's and just can't take anymore of life's beatings,you know... I just wish I could maybe time travel back to where it all began and try to change things.

I've tried running away from life, medication,therapy, nothing worked. I'm not in any physical pain just a constant hurt inside from when I wake until I sleep.
I also have major issues with letting people in. I worked on that soooo hard and finally let one person in and they used everything against me and it destroyed me....

Somewhere along the way i've ended up lost and I've finally accepted there's no way back. It's just a case of live with the pain and try not to put it on anyone else.
I would love to not be alive anymore but I'm also scared of death sooo hey that kinda sucks. I just wish I had a delete button for my life..

I think I just needed somewhere kind of anon to put my frustrations. I know they are random thoughts in no order or sense so i apologise.

Nikki xo

**Posts:** 9885 · by **Candid** » Sat Mar 24, 2018 8:43 am

Where are your family, Nikki? Do they know how bad you feel?

Just a hunch: this might make sense to you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otxAuHG9hKo

**Posts:** 4 · by **Nikki-A** » Sun Mar 25, 2018 11:19 am

Thank you for the video link, I'm going to go watch it now.

I don't see any of my family due to things that happened in the past. I only really had my grandmother but she passed away when I was 16. I did meet someone when I was 24 who I could talk to and after a while I let my walls down for him. That ended up being another mistake from me and he hurt me so It's probably best i'm on my own.

Any way thank you for taking the time to read my jumbled post and give me the link.

**Posts:** 9885 · by **Candid** » Mon Mar 26, 2018 7:58 am

Nikki-A wrote:That ended up being another mistake from me and he hurt me so It's probably best i'm on my own.

This is a faulty conclusion. When you spend time with other people there's always a risk someone will hurt you -- but if you isolate yourself you're guaranteed to be miserable.

Let me know whether the video rings any bells.

**Posts:** 4 · by **Nikki-A** » Mon Mar 26, 2018 1:24 pm

I understand what you're saying, I really do, but I just feel like I'm at my 'hurt' limit. I'm not good at judging people and If I was in a room with 99 good people and 1 not I would somehow pick the 1 not everytime. If someone else hurts me now I just don't think I'm strong enough anymore to take it.

Thank you so much for the video, the topic is very familiar. It's going to take a little while to take it in as I kind of shutdown when certain things are discussed.

**Posts:** 9885 · by **Candid** » Mon Mar 26, 2018 1:40 pm

There's a follow-up: a forum for people suffering complex trauma: http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php

**Posts:** 4 · by **Nikki-A** » Tue Mar 27, 2018 12:03 am

Thank you Candid. You didn't have to try and help me, I've not really had that much so it means a lot.

**Posts:** 9885 · by **Candid** » Tue Mar 27, 2018 7:34 am

I believe you. Life's very hard on people who, for whatever reason, have to go it alone for years.

Lost, scared and broken

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