I don't know what it is!! What help do I need!!?? I'm lost

I don't even know when this started but at this point of life I'm lost, I don't really know what I'm dealing with, Is so hard too explain how I feel, been a long time in this battle and I need answers..
I moved with someone not for love when I was 25 y/o, now I'm 40 and I'm still here with him, its very hard because he got very sick and he is old and alone so for me is very difficult to move out and I Don't even know if that is what I want... I'm alone too... Well this is just part of the story...
Right now I'm taking 100 mg of trazadone at night and 10 mg of buspar, my sleep disturbances are a long problem, first when I was a kid I couldn't sleep alone because I was afraid of the dark, then when I got into young adult age I dealt with the same problem I couldn't sleep alone, got addicted to smoke weed for 10 years to dealt with my life but slowly I became depend on the weed, I used to smoke every day, all day, but I also used to sleep like a baby, during my time of addiction I start development anxiety and paranoia I remember that started 1 day at night; I thought I have something inside my eye and I spent a couple of hour looking into. After a couple years it was a very hard time in my life I was diagnost with herpes so it was very difficult to accepted that, after a few month of having that horrible news I became paranoih about having hiv and I was in months of dread, going to doctors after doctors, I couldn't accept the NEGATIVE results it was a very frightening time. Eventually I got over it, but I continued with my addiction with more tolerance so I need it to smoke more. One day I took a trip for 2 weeks since I felt normal I thought everything will be ok, but not! the second night I start experiencing withdraws and paranoia I couldn't sleep at all, even If I was relax I could not fall asleep, my face collapsed, what suppose to be vacation it became a nightmare, and this keep happened to me every time that I went away and I couldn't smoke the amount of weed that I need to stay high and calm, it was like that for 5 years, I was and still afraid to even visit family because I know, I won't sleep and I will be agitated and paranoid and act uneasy and in mania...
3 Years ago I stop smoking weed due to a horrible episode of deserialization and depersonalization along with panics attacks and paranoia, I ended in a Psych hospital... But they sent me home with an activan pill, I went to my doctor and explained my problem and he put me on Zolof 25 mg... To say the true I felt Zoloft didn't help, I was very agitated and irritated while on that pill, I stop used it when I went online and learned a bit about the thoughts you have with anxiety and that calmed a little bit, I was a bit relaxed and not need of medication only some herbs supplements for 6 months but I started a job in a restaurant and they put me to serve tables and the place its really busy and its not an easy job so I have a spike on stress and anxiety I went to see a psychiatrist because I couldn't sleep and I was very afraid of become crazy and loosing it all, I was shaking and nervous all the time and he put me on 100 mg of trazadone ever since...
I was dealing with my anxiety or depression I don't even know what it is now.. its horrible I still get only 4 hours of sleep every with the trazadone and buspar...
3 month ago I was watching tv and a horrible intrusive thought came to my mind and I reacted with a lot of fear and alarmed me about my mental stability, I'm not that type of person what would I think this way... Oh boy since then the nightmare started all over again, I start having crazy thoughts and sleepness nights, I was in a deep dark hole.. Thoughts about I will be getting worse and how can I spent the rest of my life in this situation feeling this way, lost of appetite and sex and lost of interest in social life, spending day after day over thinking of this horrible intrusive thoughts, they eventually became less intrusive but I'm still in a very discomfort zone, I have thoughts about suicide but is just a thought not a desire or wish, I know even if I get really bad I will reach help... Somedays I feel lost and dread with difficult to breath or heavy breathing, some days I'm sad about all this happening to me and the pain I will cause to the people who know Me and love me, I don't want them to know what I'm going through, only a few people know but they have also experience anxiety too. Today I wake up with the idea that I may be dealing with bipolar, is probably what I have but I'm also afraid of the medication and their complications and side effects, even I'm taking trazadone 100mg in this low dose it has only sedative effects... I have difficult sleeping and I wake up 3-4 hours after I take the medication and that alarm me, then I fall sleep again just to have non stop vivid dreams and I wake up tired and is difficult to get out of the bed. I spent some time trying to take a nap but I can't... I'm watching my diet and I got for a run almost every day, I also have cut alcohol, I want to feel normal and good and I will stand still in this, but I need real help...