where to begin?...
I'm a thirty-year old man, and have been in a very loving relationship with a wonderfull woman for about 4 years. We share many common interests and values, and generally are very good for each other and get along wonderfully.
But there are these rows. Some toxic dynamic occurs between us, sometimes not for months at a time, but allways with the same pattern, and dreadfull outcome. Basically I end up by flipping out and exploding with rage, nearly allways terrifying my girlfriend, sometimes even physically abusing her (shoving, pulling hair).
I have had some counselling in the past (finished just around the time I met GF) for depression which was connected to the breakdown of my parents' marriage, and felt I had worked through that successfully. My GF is generally good for my self-esteem, and I regard myself as being pretty emotionally mature and well-adjusted.
We talk a lot to try to to understand how these fights happen (what is the script we are acting out, and how can we change it) and it generally seems to occur when GF is in a bad mood or stressed, and gives me a hard time. My response to this (especially, like the last time, when we are working on some shared goal e.g. leaving for a trip) tends to be very patient and understanding, to try not to let the situation intensify. I find myself appologising a lot, generally 'taking' what I feel to be 'abuse' in order to keep a lid on the situation. This passivity seems to validate the bad mood in GF's mind (she's talked about this) such that she continues to indulge that moodiness, rather than snaping out of it. Eventually, I may begin to stand up for myself and argue back but I am often too angry (at the 'abuse' I feel I have been subjected to (or maybe at myself for taking it?) ) by that point to be able to be constructive/logical for very long, and soon I feel like I am trapped in a corner (GF pinning me there with her by now vicious and contemptuous tongue) where the only way out is to explode with rage. My fuse blows and horrible things happen.
Invariably after on of these rages, I spend a few days blaming GF 100% for the explosion, because she has wound me up to that point. She feels this is unfair because she didn't notice any signs that I was getting upset. (I'm not sure whether this reflects on my inability to communicate my growing anger or her lack of sensitivity when in a bad mood). This last time, she saw a counsellor (she is working on low self-esteem/insecurity issues) the day after, who pointed out that one should never be expected to take responsibility for how another person reacts to what you do. (i.e. GF shouldn't take responsibility if I go mad after her stropping). This made sense to both of us, and we talked about how this also applied to me taking responsibility when she feels stressed out, feeling like I should try to help and make life easier for her.
It still leaves me wondering what I should do instead of blowing my fuse. I have looked back on so many of these similar fights, and never seen any point (given GF's rotten mood) where I could have done anything differently, in order to break out of the spiral before I blew up.
I found this article which talks about passive/aggressive behaviour and although I found it a bit too extreme to fit comfortably with me (e.g. the description of the passive/aggressive man as "classic underachiever with a fear of competition in the work place" does not sound like me at all, if I may say so). The idea of copying parental power games seems to really ring true. My dad was over-passive and eventually embittered by my over-domineering mum (who didn't realise she was doing it), and ended up finding solace and self-esteem-boosts by shagging around, poisoning and eventually destroying the relationship.
I'd like to know what best to do. I have tried talking about this specific issue with a couple of different counsellors but it never seemed to get very far(though I do now have a better understanding of the problem, I think). I'm curious but skeptical about learning 'anger management techniques' - surely it's better to get at the root cause? and I'm also unconvinced by books like this one which (admittedly only based on the amazon reviews) seem to assume the root of the anger is low self-esteem, which I really don't feel applies.
I think reading a book might be a good start, it has helped me before, but with so many out there I could really do with a recomendation. Any thoughts?
Thanks in advance.
am I passive / aggressive?
2 posts
• Page 1 of 1
by bobhawkes » Thu Sep 08, 2005 9:46 pm
Hi spud2,
First can I say that you seem to have a lot of good things going for you. Your girlfriend is obviously supportive and keen to impove the situation. Depression following parental breakup is understandable but you have come through this to be a mature and well-adjusted person. I presume that as you say you share common interests with your girlfriend that you have a good social life. All sounds great to me.
Youprobably know that all couples have arguments from time to time. Everyone is in a bad mood from time to time. Are your rows really any worse than anyone elses? (Incidentally I had a girlfriend once with a right hook to duck for!)
Getting to the root cause of a problem is not necessary. This is an old idea that never really had any foundation although it has gathered its own truth over the years. In fact, trying get understand the root cause simply focusses you on the problem and makes you feel worse. It can even strengthen the behaviour! If knowing your behaviour is wrong doesn't change it, how will knowing why make any difference? Rather than analysing "why" perhaps you and your girlfriend could discuss how things will be once you are through this. How much happier will you be? What will be different? How can you get there? What can you both do to change things for the better? What is the better? Look to the good times to come.
That said, the script you are acting out is one you most likely learned, unconsciously, from your parents. As you watched your father being submissive your unconscious noted how this worked (apparently) and stored it for future use. Now when your girlfriend is stressed and gives you a hard time your unconscious mind calls on its learned pattern of submission. If you can break the pattern it will the start of something even better but may be difficult to do. Have a go - suprise her!
When your girlfriend is down don't expect her to "snap out of it". Can you when you're down? If your partner has self-seteem issues she is bound to be low at times. I would just let her know that you understand how she feels and that you love her. Help her through it. Imagine how you ought to behave when she's moody, practice how to care for her perfectly in your mind, over and over, practice keeping calm, being supportive. coping with her mood. You know it will pass, just like yours and mine
You might also like to try the anger management download at http://www.hypnosisdownloads.com/downloads/hypnotherapy/anger_control.html rather than buying a book. I suspect it will be better value.
Hope this helps.
First can I say that you seem to have a lot of good things going for you. Your girlfriend is obviously supportive and keen to impove the situation. Depression following parental breakup is understandable but you have come through this to be a mature and well-adjusted person. I presume that as you say you share common interests with your girlfriend that you have a good social life. All sounds great to me.
Youprobably know that all couples have arguments from time to time. Everyone is in a bad mood from time to time. Are your rows really any worse than anyone elses? (Incidentally I had a girlfriend once with a right hook to duck for!)
Getting to the root cause of a problem is not necessary. This is an old idea that never really had any foundation although it has gathered its own truth over the years. In fact, trying get understand the root cause simply focusses you on the problem and makes you feel worse. It can even strengthen the behaviour! If knowing your behaviour is wrong doesn't change it, how will knowing why make any difference? Rather than analysing "why" perhaps you and your girlfriend could discuss how things will be once you are through this. How much happier will you be? What will be different? How can you get there? What can you both do to change things for the better? What is the better? Look to the good times to come.
That said, the script you are acting out is one you most likely learned, unconsciously, from your parents. As you watched your father being submissive your unconscious noted how this worked (apparently) and stored it for future use. Now when your girlfriend is stressed and gives you a hard time your unconscious mind calls on its learned pattern of submission. If you can break the pattern it will the start of something even better but may be difficult to do. Have a go - suprise her!
When your girlfriend is down don't expect her to "snap out of it". Can you when you're down? If your partner has self-seteem issues she is bound to be low at times. I would just let her know that you understand how she feels and that you love her. Help her through it. Imagine how you ought to behave when she's moody, practice how to care for her perfectly in your mind, over and over, practice keeping calm, being supportive. coping with her mood. You know it will pass, just like yours and mine
You might also like to try the anger management download at http://www.hypnosisdownloads.com/downloads/hypnotherapy/anger_control.html rather than buying a book. I suspect it will be better value.
Hope this helps.
2 posts
• Page 1 of 1
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