Dealing with Angry Situations

Charlie Farah wrote:I have been with my partner for just over a year now and things are getting really exhausting. My partner gets angry at least 2-4 times a week since day one, and its becoming really exhausting.

... but its the constant arguing which is really exhausting. I have noticed she is the same with her parents also.

I do not know what to do to get passed it. I would really appreciate your help.

You knew since "day one" that she gets angry 2-4 times a week. And you stayed now for a year, why? Who stays in a relationship with an angry person? Did you underestimate how exhausting it would be?

NOW, a year later you are looking for change to get "passed it". You no longer accept her for who she is. IMO, your options are;

-1- Tell her to get anger management counseling.

-2- You learn to meditate or,

-3- When she gets angry you disengage or,

-4- A combination of 1, 2, 3 or

-5- You learn from the relationship and move on.

Bottom line, focusing on trying to change your partner will be as exhausting if not more exhausting than the arguments themselves. Focusing on changing yourself, IMO is a more productive path.

At first I wanted to make her happy all the time so I would accept her being angry as my fault and Ive been trying since 6 months into the relationship to ask her to see someone for counciling.. of course she took that the wrong way and she thought I was implying certain things.. what do you mean by disengage? I think meditating would be great.. ill look into it. But no i did not think it would be exhausting... she is a good person with a good heart but when she doesnt get what shes after its not pretty..

Disengage means have a place you can go, i.e. to walk away. If there is a park nearby, the gym or if you have a "man cave" where you can go.

Thanks

Hi Charlie,

Well, you seem to have a great deal of background in Anger Management. Mostly you are doing everything right. yes, your patience has been wearing thin and you notice your control slipping. it doesn't help The Cause when your raised voice seems to get her attention better than a calm and controlled demeanor.

So the only way that i can help is to try to give you some insight into your Partners exasperation and impatience with the World. i used to be the same way. when I was alone and something frustrating would occur, well, I would take it stoically enough. But in company I would feel that my frustration had to somehow be communicated. For some reason i had to show that I did not feel that the present situation was entirely agreeable.

maybe it was all about having an Audience. Take the attention off of the Situation and put it on myself. Sounds a bit narcissistic, doesn't it? Being a Drama Queen.

oh, I can remember decades ago when a college friend told me an appropriate story.... maybe he recognized my problem... it seems that he and a friend were in a VW Bug driving down this country road when suddenly the engine just fell out of the rusty old thing. they were each quiet for a moment as they got out of the car, and surveyed the situation. Seeing that it was quite useless to hang about, they got their things out of the car and started walking back toward town, and picked up their original conversation where they had left it.

For some reason I never forgot that story. it represented something of an Ideal Way of Being, which i came to understand more and more over the years. It seems to have Taken Root and Thrive. Now I never make a show of Griping and Groaning.

But with your Partner, well, what can one do? its a shame you can't just use Authority over her. I remember when I was in the Army and was a Sergeant. Sergeants don't drive. they let the Soldiers drive. But each and every soldier, when their turn to drive came up, would gripe and complain about traffic and curse and yell. finally I put my foot down on the situation and told them frankly, that if not a single one of them could JUST DRIVE and leave the rest of us in peace to enjoy the ride, then I would be forced to have to Drive Them Myself. that did it. and later the soldiers one after another approached me to thank me. they never realized that they were capable of controlling their emotions while driving, and quite appreciated this new insight into themselves. now that I think about it, there was this one Mess Hall I would sometimes visit, and I found that a number of the Men would complain and moan and groan to the Cooks and Servers. So, one time when i found myself the ranking NCO in the Room, I stood up and tapped my glass, as though I were proposing a Toast, but when I had everybody's attention, I told them frankly that the Cooks were the hardest working people in the Army -- that they got up earlier and retired later than anybody else, and that they DESERVED more than anybody else to be Happy with what they were doing. they were SERVING us like our very Mothers. But how do we treat them? i propose that for now on, we keep our complaints to ourselves. What good does complaining do anyway? it only puts not only them into a foul mood, but notice that the very act of complaining even puts yourself into a bad mood. Who needs it? Life should be enjoyed, and we should enjoy our Breakfast before we go off to Work. Agreed?" They all nodded in agreement. a couple weeks later when i revisited that Mess Hall, a few of the Servers thanked me and told me that it seems I had caused somethng of a Cultural Shift across the entire Base, and it quite surprised them. Apparently the word had spread.

But as a Partner you have no Authority to bring to bear. I hate to say it, but this is where it will take a Counselor in a nice white Lab Jacket (Uniforms are always loaded with Authority, especially Lab Jackets and Doctor's Coats). He or She will tell her something that you have told her a thousand times. but this time she might listen.

Oh, my friend from College. he was an upper classman. It seems Authority just makes people pay more attention to the Wisdom that they would otherwise just take for granted.

Thanks for sharing, great stories to learn from.