Cast aside

Hi all,
I wasn't sure where to put this thread as it contains addiction as well as depression and anxiety.

Let me tell you who I am. My name is Jordy (short for Jordan). I am 29 years old. I am very sportive and spontaneous. From early age I developed separation anxiety due to my parents divorcing and left to die by my ex girlfriend when I was in serious distress.

Since age 15 I developed a harmful coping mechanism. Self-harm. I started cutting myself to distract myself from emotional pain. Especially when the arousal of an emotion got too high. Later on, I started drinking and abusing drugs. One time when I overdosed I reached out to my ex, since she was a nurse but I was ignored and neglected any help from her. I can rationally understand it was all too much for her but it still left a scar.

Ever since that incident my life has been a complete mess. I idealized suicide and even took an foolish attempt to cut my wrist. That night I felt particularly lonely and alone when there was no one for me to talk to.

A half year full on drugs I decided to change my life. I attended dialectical behavioral therapy, which was really helpful. To gain insight in the stress and arousal of my emotions and the harmful behaviors associated with it. I felt really connected to everyone in my therapy group. I didn't feel lonely anymore. All went well and my confidence increased.

Now 5 week ago I was dismissed form the clinic and I have been feeling so miserable and lonely. I live with my mother but she works at times when I am free. I can't really talk to my mother about my emotions because I feel invalidated by her when I express myself. I reach out to old friends and it had been a real help but still there is a hole in my life. It feels so sad and terrifying. The feeling of intense loneliness hurts. Also with covid measures I am not able to do sports together with other people.

Now I managed to reent a room for myself. And when I moved all my stuff and furniture I was the only one in the whole building. It was so silent, it terrifies me to be honest. Of course more people will move into the building but still the feeling is eminent.

I also have been suffering from back injury and wrist injury. I don't know really what's wrong with it so that contributes to my stress levels.

Tonight I dated with a woman and I expressed to her that I don't want to rush into anything. It takes time to trust someone for me. Still she went too far and didn't appreciate my boundaries and I said stop when it was already a little too far. I feel really uncomfortable and I already signed up for a STD check. It makes me feel weak that I didn't follow through with my gut feeling.

I feel weak, unfulfilled, down and really sad and I am crying. I don't really know what to do. I made some cuts on my lower legs. I need to get things in order. I can't keep up like this. I keep on running but I can't keep going on this way. I feel so lost.

Thanks for listening