Hi,
im not really sure whether anyone can help but i just feel like i need to just write this all out as i cant really tell anyone..
after my daughter was born i was really unhappy with how i looked, i so wanted to be thin as i was before i was pregnant. i suffered quite bad and ugly stretch marks and saggy skin, i thought these would disappear after i toned up and lost the weight. after about a year and half i got down to my normal size 10 but the saggy skin ans stretch marks were still there. so i started taking herbal teas (feiyan) that would basically make me go to the toilet alot. i used to get quite bad cramps with it and soon realised that if i ate less then the pain wasnt so bad as there wasnt so much to get rid of. i stopped taking the teas and quickly realised that i was having trouble in the toilet dept, i went to my doctor and he prescribed my some natural laxatives. i didnt think these were working quickly enough so i swapped to stronger over the counter ones.
i take laxatives every day and if i run out i panic and am consumed by the thought of whatever food i have eaten i wont be able to get rid of.
because the laxative only work in the mornings i now only eat one small meal a day in the evenings with my daughter, then by the morning that food is gotten rid of. i am so used to not eating during the day that i dont even feel hungry anymore. my energy levels are suffering and ive comtemplated taking energy pills. im not naive, i know what im doing isnt right and i should know better being a mother, i should be setting an example. but i cannot stop, the thought of eating a meal and not taking my laxs feel me with fear.
i have been to see my doctor as after my last appt he requested i went back and i am weighed and have to keep a food journal, but i lie...
lately things have been worse as me and my bf have split ( i have another post in the depression forum about that lol)
i feel like im stuck in a vicious circle, i know what im doing is damaging me but i dont think i can stop, im so scared of putting on any weight and when i do eat i absolutely hate the bloated, uncomfortable feeling it makes me want to cry.
i know i should be honest with the doctor but im so scared he will think im a bad mum, i.e.; if i cant look after myself how can i look after a child? but i make damn sure im a good mum, shes the only thing that keep me going some days and always come first.
i would really appreciate some advice
Am i Bulimic?
9 posts
• Page 1 of 1
by jurplesman » Wed Mar 31, 2010 5:16 am
You started off by feeling not good about yourself because you tended to put on weight after the birth of your child. Most people associate putting on weigh with "eating too much" and so you started NOT EATING, thereby aggravating the situation because by NOT EATING you deprived your body of nutrients that could make you feel good about yourself.
The real cause of your putting on weight was caused by insulin resistance. This is a disease, that stops the absorption of carbohydrates and its metabolism into biological energy. That energy is essential for the production of feel good neurotransmitters - such as serotonin - and hence without that energy you feel depressed! The unabsorbed carbohydrates from sugars accumulates in the body and is stored as fat cells. Hence people suffering from depression also can become obese. The aim of treatment is to overcome the insulin resistance, by avoiding sugars as much as possible, to increase high protein consumption and supplements the diet with vitamins and minerals. In other words to adopt the Hypoglycemic Diet. This will help the body to produce feel good neurotransmitters and prevent you putting on more weight. Accompany that with daily regular exercises.
Please read:
Eating Disorders
The real cause of your putting on weight was caused by insulin resistance. This is a disease, that stops the absorption of carbohydrates and its metabolism into biological energy. That energy is essential for the production of feel good neurotransmitters - such as serotonin - and hence without that energy you feel depressed! The unabsorbed carbohydrates from sugars accumulates in the body and is stored as fat cells. Hence people suffering from depression also can become obese. The aim of treatment is to overcome the insulin resistance, by avoiding sugars as much as possible, to increase high protein consumption and supplements the diet with vitamins and minerals. In other words to adopt the Hypoglycemic Diet. This will help the body to produce feel good neurotransmitters and prevent you putting on more weight. Accompany that with daily regular exercises.
Please read:
Eating Disorders
- jurplesman
- Super Member
- Posts: 14140
- Joined: Mon Jun 21, 2004 5:38 am
- Location: Sydney, Australia
- Likes Received: 2
by archie2b » Sat Apr 03, 2010 5:24 am
Sorry Jurplesman, but I don't feel that reply helped lulu or answered her question at all.
To answer your question hun, I think you might be. I have been bulimic for years and in my experience it started with body and confidence issues and became a way for me to control at least something, in my life. I realised that I needed to stop when my periods stopped and I was vomiting blood. I didn't seek medical help as I had very judgemental doctors, who were unhelpful with my depression (a symptom of bulimia also). I did however, confide in my fiance and stopped going out with money and always had fresh fruit incase I did feel the need to binge. There are always choices you can make to try and help yourself.
I realise that the route I went down Many people believe that Bulimics binge eat (emotional eating) then make themselves sick, but that is not the case at all. Using laxatives and starving youself unless you can be sick or use laxatives, are other symptoms, along with hiding food. Basically, your life revolves around food and it affects everything you do.
You should see a doctor hun. Nobody is going to take your child away from you because you have an illness. You do need to take control though. You do not want your child growing up seeing you struggle with food either. The reason I say this is because, although I did try and take control myself and it worked for a while, I have never properly recovered. I still make myself sick when I feel like my life is out of control and although I can go a couple months without doing it, my life still revolves around food and being sick, especially when I as depressed as I am now. I don't want you to do the same, especially since you have a little one.
I actually made a promise to my Fiance today, that I would go to the Doctor on Monday. It will be hard but I know I can't bury my head in the sand any longer, as I am the only person who can help myself. If I can do it, then you definately can.
Good luck hun. Let me know how you get on x x x x x x x
To answer your question hun, I think you might be. I have been bulimic for years and in my experience it started with body and confidence issues and became a way for me to control at least something, in my life. I realised that I needed to stop when my periods stopped and I was vomiting blood. I didn't seek medical help as I had very judgemental doctors, who were unhelpful with my depression (a symptom of bulimia also). I did however, confide in my fiance and stopped going out with money and always had fresh fruit incase I did feel the need to binge. There are always choices you can make to try and help yourself.
I realise that the route I went down Many people believe that Bulimics binge eat (emotional eating) then make themselves sick, but that is not the case at all. Using laxatives and starving youself unless you can be sick or use laxatives, are other symptoms, along with hiding food. Basically, your life revolves around food and it affects everything you do.
You should see a doctor hun. Nobody is going to take your child away from you because you have an illness. You do need to take control though. You do not want your child growing up seeing you struggle with food either. The reason I say this is because, although I did try and take control myself and it worked for a while, I have never properly recovered. I still make myself sick when I feel like my life is out of control and although I can go a couple months without doing it, my life still revolves around food and being sick, especially when I as depressed as I am now. I don't want you to do the same, especially since you have a little one.
I actually made a promise to my Fiance today, that I would go to the Doctor on Monday. It will be hard but I know I can't bury my head in the sand any longer, as I am the only person who can help myself. If I can do it, then you definately can.
Good luck hun. Let me know how you get on x x x x x x x
by briary » Mon Apr 05, 2010 10:31 pm
Hi Lulu
It's a tough one I know. I too have an eating disordor, orinally pure anorexia but now swingng between that and bulimia and I too hate feeling bloating, so avoid eating too much, or sometimes use laxatives.
But I think although I currently do not have any medical intervention (due to a long and complicated story lol!), having an open and honest as you can be with a GP, or therapist, or nurse, or whatever you are comfortable with can help. I did try for a long time, and sometimes it was easier than others, but you have the best motivation possible in your child and that can help a lot.
Don't give up. You can get there.
Karen
It's a tough one I know. I too have an eating disordor, orinally pure anorexia but now swingng between that and bulimia and I too hate feeling bloating, so avoid eating too much, or sometimes use laxatives.
But I think although I currently do not have any medical intervention (due to a long and complicated story lol!), having an open and honest as you can be with a GP, or therapist, or nurse, or whatever you are comfortable with can help. I did try for a long time, and sometimes it was easier than others, but you have the best motivation possible in your child and that can help a lot.
Don't give up. You can get there.
Karen
- briary
- Moderator
- Posts: 11010
- Joined: Wed Jul 07, 2004 11:55 am
- Location: East Sussex
- Likes Received: 0
by lulu1984 » Tue Apr 13, 2010 12:52 pm
Hi,
Thank you for taking the time to reply. i really appreciate it.
things have been quite bad over the past couple of weeks, my personal life is starting to take its toll on me, i have pretty much stopped eating. i try to eat a small amount in the evening as im beginning to feel so tired, i can barely get through the days sometimes. people have started to notice the weight loss. i cant bring myself to stop taking the laxs though, im not strong enough to stop. my food diary is shocking in all honesty....and that scares me - i can see it on the paper and i know it is wrong so why cant i will myself to stop this??
things have improved slightly with my boyfriend, we have started to talk more and seem to be getting on OK, but i cant tell him about this, he has enough to worry about without me dumping this at his feet also. i confided in a friend and she didnt take it too well, it just made me feel even more alone and ashamed.
at the moment i dont feel strong enough to battle this on my own, and its clear i have no choice, so it seems easier to carry on the route im going...i know thats wrong
i have a doctors appt this week...i am going to try and tell myself every day to just tell the truth, i just dont want to be judged.
xx
Thank you for taking the time to reply. i really appreciate it.
things have been quite bad over the past couple of weeks, my personal life is starting to take its toll on me, i have pretty much stopped eating. i try to eat a small amount in the evening as im beginning to feel so tired, i can barely get through the days sometimes. people have started to notice the weight loss. i cant bring myself to stop taking the laxs though, im not strong enough to stop. my food diary is shocking in all honesty....and that scares me - i can see it on the paper and i know it is wrong so why cant i will myself to stop this??
things have improved slightly with my boyfriend, we have started to talk more and seem to be getting on OK, but i cant tell him about this, he has enough to worry about without me dumping this at his feet also. i confided in a friend and she didnt take it too well, it just made me feel even more alone and ashamed.
at the moment i dont feel strong enough to battle this on my own, and its clear i have no choice, so it seems easier to carry on the route im going...i know thats wrong
i have a doctors appt this week...i am going to try and tell myself every day to just tell the truth, i just dont want to be judged.
xx
by briary » Tue Apr 13, 2010 2:16 pm
Hi Lulu
I'm sorry you are struggling with this so much right now. It is so hard and unfortunately a lot of people find it difficult to understand what it is like, either because they can see what is happening to you and are scared for you, or they just have no experience of it.
At the same time battling it alone is so isolating and difficult too and it is so easy for the eating disorder to take over completely.
I think you are being very brave trying to take as many little steps as you can. I know food becomes the enemy but then you feel weak with no energy so try to do whatever you can in small ways to combat that. Anything is better than nothing.
It's also difficult to give up alaxative dependence. I was taking massive amounts a day a couple of years ago and the danger is it can really wreck your body. I am not off them completely as I messed my body up but now I don't use every day and I only take the recommended dose. I know how hard it is but one step at a time you can get there,
See how it goes with your doctor, sound them out and see if they seem sympathetic and knowledgeable about eating disorders and if not you are within your rights to see someone else.
I know you said you didn't want to worry your boyfriend about anything else but he might be sympathetic and want to help, and if people can see you have lost a lot of weight he possibly is wondering why anyway. Anyway that's you choice. We are always here.
Karen
I'm sorry you are struggling with this so much right now. It is so hard and unfortunately a lot of people find it difficult to understand what it is like, either because they can see what is happening to you and are scared for you, or they just have no experience of it.
At the same time battling it alone is so isolating and difficult too and it is so easy for the eating disorder to take over completely.
I think you are being very brave trying to take as many little steps as you can. I know food becomes the enemy but then you feel weak with no energy so try to do whatever you can in small ways to combat that. Anything is better than nothing.
It's also difficult to give up alaxative dependence. I was taking massive amounts a day a couple of years ago and the danger is it can really wreck your body. I am not off them completely as I messed my body up but now I don't use every day and I only take the recommended dose. I know how hard it is but one step at a time you can get there,
See how it goes with your doctor, sound them out and see if they seem sympathetic and knowledgeable about eating disorders and if not you are within your rights to see someone else.
I know you said you didn't want to worry your boyfriend about anything else but he might be sympathetic and want to help, and if people can see you have lost a lot of weight he possibly is wondering why anyway. Anyway that's you choice. We are always here.
Karen
- briary
- Moderator
- Posts: 11010
- Joined: Wed Jul 07, 2004 11:55 am
- Location: East Sussex
- Likes Received: 0
by lulu1984 » Fri Apr 16, 2010 10:54 am
Hi Karen,
thanks for your posts, its good to have someone who understands and is willing to listen.
i chickened out of my doctors appt this week and moved it to next week, i just couldnt handle having to face up to this aswell. my boyfriends depression and other personal issues (including my ex - trying to sell our house, he can be very abusive) are kind of taking up all my energy and i am not strong enough to face up to this yet. im not a coward its just everything is so overwhlming at the moment i feel like im going to crash and burn, eating and the laxatives are the only things i feel i have control of and making people aware of that at the moment feels like i will be losing control..im sorry if that doesnt make sense.
i nearly told my boyfriend, i made a passing comment about my mood food diary, i didnt intentionally make the comment to tell him, it just kinda slipped out. he asked whether that was for my doctor and i said yeah and walked off so he couldnt ask anymore questions, in truth i dont think he understands, he is aware the doctor expressed concerns from a previous appt he attended with me a while ago. im scared he will react the same way as my friend did, i dont want him to think badly of me.
i have been making a conscious effort to eat my meals in the evening, i have been having bigger portions, as much as my stomach will allow. but i am in so much pain afterwards, the stomach cramps are so bad some evenings that i am unable to exercise which in turns makes me angry - its like i am having an argument in my head somedays!
sorry if i sound like im ranting!
sometimes its just nice to get it all out.
thanks for listening x
thanks for your posts, its good to have someone who understands and is willing to listen.
i chickened out of my doctors appt this week and moved it to next week, i just couldnt handle having to face up to this aswell. my boyfriends depression and other personal issues (including my ex - trying to sell our house, he can be very abusive) are kind of taking up all my energy and i am not strong enough to face up to this yet. im not a coward its just everything is so overwhlming at the moment i feel like im going to crash and burn, eating and the laxatives are the only things i feel i have control of and making people aware of that at the moment feels like i will be losing control..im sorry if that doesnt make sense.
i nearly told my boyfriend, i made a passing comment about my mood food diary, i didnt intentionally make the comment to tell him, it just kinda slipped out. he asked whether that was for my doctor and i said yeah and walked off so he couldnt ask anymore questions, in truth i dont think he understands, he is aware the doctor expressed concerns from a previous appt he attended with me a while ago. im scared he will react the same way as my friend did, i dont want him to think badly of me.
i have been making a conscious effort to eat my meals in the evening, i have been having bigger portions, as much as my stomach will allow. but i am in so much pain afterwards, the stomach cramps are so bad some evenings that i am unable to exercise which in turns makes me angry - its like i am having an argument in my head somedays!
sorry if i sound like im ranting!
sometimes its just nice to get it all out.
thanks for listening x
by briary » Fri Apr 16, 2010 4:32 pm
Hi Lulu
It's ok and I do understand how overwhelming it can feel. It is also probably too unrealistic to think about giving this up all in one go. Little tiny steps is the way to go, after all you didn'y get ill in one day so take one day at a time.
I can also understand how it can feel difficult to eat too much in one go when when your tummy has shrunk and it feels uncomfortable. I know you said you try to have a meal in the evening but if it is too hard doing that could you have some smaller snacks in the day to avoid feeling uncomfortable? It is up to you and whatever will help you most.
Sorry you have a lot of other stresses going on in your life as that won't help. You mention that your boyfriend has depression so although he might not understand eating disorders you might find he is more understanding and tolerant of people with emotional problems than your friend was, if you choose to confide in him. That's your choice entirely though. And I don't think you are a coward for not seeing your doctor this week. It took month and months of persuasion and almost being frogmarched there before I went the first time. It's never easy, and some doctor's are more understanding and have more experience than others. In the meantime we are here.
It makes perfect sense because although not the only reason, keeping control can be part of the overall picture for an eating disorder and once people know you fear they will make you stop, which a deep part of you doesn't want to. I do understand it perfectly. It's what keeps any eating disorder going - the secrecy and keeping other people out.
I'm glad it helps writing here. You've made a very good start.
Karen
It's ok and I do understand how overwhelming it can feel. It is also probably too unrealistic to think about giving this up all in one go. Little tiny steps is the way to go, after all you didn'y get ill in one day so take one day at a time.
I can also understand how it can feel difficult to eat too much in one go when when your tummy has shrunk and it feels uncomfortable. I know you said you try to have a meal in the evening but if it is too hard doing that could you have some smaller snacks in the day to avoid feeling uncomfortable? It is up to you and whatever will help you most.
Sorry you have a lot of other stresses going on in your life as that won't help. You mention that your boyfriend has depression so although he might not understand eating disorders you might find he is more understanding and tolerant of people with emotional problems than your friend was, if you choose to confide in him. That's your choice entirely though. And I don't think you are a coward for not seeing your doctor this week. It took month and months of persuasion and almost being frogmarched there before I went the first time. It's never easy, and some doctor's are more understanding and have more experience than others. In the meantime we are here.
eating and the laxatives are the only things i feel i have control of and making people aware of that at the moment feels like i will be losing control..im sorry if that doesnt make sense.
It makes perfect sense because although not the only reason, keeping control can be part of the overall picture for an eating disorder and once people know you fear they will make you stop, which a deep part of you doesn't want to. I do understand it perfectly. It's what keeps any eating disorder going - the secrecy and keeping other people out.
I'm glad it helps writing here. You've made a very good start.
Karen
- briary
- Moderator
- Posts: 11010
- Joined: Wed Jul 07, 2004 11:55 am
- Location: East Sussex
- Likes Received: 0
by RunningFree » Tue Apr 27, 2010 5:44 pm
Hello LuLu.
First of all i think it's good that you realise you have a problem. And your not naive about what your doing to your body.
Personally i don't think you doctor would help. You need to find someone who specialises in eating disorders. You have a child now and i am sure you do not want to pass on any bad eating habits to them.
The added stress of breaking up with your partner is bound to make your eating habits worse. It's a form of self harm, a way of control.
In my self harming past i kept a diary. It sounds silly maybe, but i advise you do to it. And keep it when you get better. It will help you remember how hard and bad the past was.
Keep us posted!
First of all i think it's good that you realise you have a problem. And your not naive about what your doing to your body.
Personally i don't think you doctor would help. You need to find someone who specialises in eating disorders. You have a child now and i am sure you do not want to pass on any bad eating habits to them.
The added stress of breaking up with your partner is bound to make your eating habits worse. It's a form of self harm, a way of control.
In my self harming past i kept a diary. It sounds silly maybe, but i advise you do to it. And keep it when you get better. It will help you remember how hard and bad the past was.
Keep us posted!
- RunningFree
- New Member
- Posts: 4
- Joined: Tue Apr 27, 2010 4:13 pm
- Likes Received: 0
9 posts
• Page 1 of 1