My Partners Depression

Yeah... I think that approach really works, and I think most people would find it useful. The problem is that getting started can be really difficult. The main problem that partners/carers find is that any attempt to communicate with the DP is either shrugged off or causes anger, anxiety or aggression, or makes the DP extremely frustrated. There has to at some point be a good two way discussion between patient and carer, because you need to let eachother know how you feel about the situation. Until you doi this its very difficult to be able to justify ground rules ("Why should I have to talk to you for an hour everyday?"). From the patients point of view, they need to be made aware that their emotions are out of context so that they can resist basing their words and actions on how they feel, and more upon what they think is the right course of action. Given this, I think the best way to start is for the carer to sit down with the DP regardless of what mood they're in and expain that you have something important to say, that they need to know, and just guve them five minutes do get a drink, have a ciggy, compose themselves. Then its just a case of explaining that you are upset with the current situation. My mum told me that it was difficult enough seering her son as ill as I was, without having to put up with bad language and inconsiderate comments. Remind them that you are their family and that you love them but that their must be some ground rules. If the DP still doesn't want to have a conversation, then just say that you are going to try and talk to them at some point, and that the verbal abuse, hurtful remarks and raising of voices has to stop. Tell them if they don't want to talk to ask for a time out (you give them 10 minutes).

After that you should be able to build up some ground rules that focus on getting the DP more active and busier.

Dave.

Hi All,

It is now some time since i have written to update you on my curent situation and I feel that after the help and comfort you have offered me, some explanation is deserved.

My situation with my partner, continued as it was. He was mostly cold to me and very very spiteful. I continued as before - pleasant, warm, smiling, caring, loving... It was only when away from him, that I would allow myself to be upset. I was stressed at work, unhappy when with him and unhappy when not with him... It was very difficult. My stomach was completely in turmoil, my head ached all the time. I felt very unwell.

A few weeks ago, I was away for the weekend and when I returned, he was out and there was a note saying hed be back later the same evening. The calmness Id felt from the weekend, disappeared and I could feel the stomach cramps and tight band around my head all over again. I decided there and then to leave him. It was a split second decision - I felt that I had reached the end of my ability to suffer this kind of life. I packed as much as I could into my car and drove off into the night.

He arrived home and sent me a message saying I had taken his money! A few days later, he sent me an email saying I had taken his personal possessions! None of this is true but I understand from my time with him, that he is angered by not being in control here and this was his usual spitefulness. In trying to claim the rest of my personal possessions from him, he is now demanding a list of the things or will not allow me to have them! I am lucky in that his friend is helping me so I have no contact with him and my son will go with his friend tomorrow and collect my stuff from his friend. He is being very nasty.

From his behaviour and the emails and texts he has sent me, it appeared that he thought that I was going to return to him. He wrote in one nasty email that he was packing my things up and that I should collect them - yet he is now making my life difficult when I want to collect my things from the flat. I have found with him that he says and does one thing and yet he means another. Even now, I say that he loved me even when telling me that he didnt. Something is very wrong with this man and I am sorry that I couldnt be the person to help him - I loved him so much and most probably still do. I cannot descript the hell of these last months thaat evn now haunt me.

The love I felt for this man was greater than anything that I have ever felt for anyone before. I have never encountered anything like his kind of behaviour. I have lived a life where people I have known have usually been kind and pleasant to me. I have found that being nice to people is second nature and people are always happy to return that kindness. Here was a man who seemed to enjoy being unkind and spiteful. This is something that I cannot make any sense of. Neither can I make sense of the fact that he would show yet another side to other people and not allow them to see the nastiness inside him. He kept that mostly for me!

A couple of weeks before I left him he said thar he couldnt have a relationship with me as he was afraid that one day hed come back and Id be gone. Its the way it turned out! I miss him and continue to think about him. I made my decision and have begun making a new life for myself. I hope that I can forget these past couple of years and the trauma.

Thank you for your help and encouragement - it was always appreciated. Id love to know how things are with you all. Wilsons story is interesting, Dave has described things so well for me and helped me in my understanding of my ex-partner. Please write and tell me.

Warm regards

Mel

That sounds like an incredibly brave decision Mel. It seems hard to see what else you could have done.

[quote="mel"]Hi All,

It is now some time since i have written to update you on my curent situation and I feel that after the help and comfort you have offered me, some explanation is deserved.

My situation with my partner, continued as it was. He was mostly cold to me and very very spiteful. I continued as before - pleasant, warm, smiling, caring, loving... It was only when away from him, that I would allow myself to be upset. I was stressed at work, unhappy when with him and unhappy when not with him... It was very difficult. My stomach was completely in turmoil, my head ached all the time. I felt very unwell.

A few weeks ago, I was away for the weekend and when I returned, he was out and there was a note saying hed be back later the same evening. The calmness Id felt from the weekend, disappeared and I could feel the stomach cramps and tight band around my head all over again. I decided there and then to leave him. It was a split second decision - I felt that I had reached the end of my ability to suffer this kind of life. I packed as much as I could into my car and drove off into the night.

He arrived home and sent me a message saying I had taken his money! A few days later, he sent me an email saying I had taken his personal possessions! None of this is true but I understand from my time with him, that he is angered by not being in control here and this was his usual spitefulness. In trying to claim the rest of my personal possessions from him, he is now demanding a list of the things or will not allow me to have them! I am lucky in that his friend is helping me so I have no contact with him and my son will go with his friend tomorrow and collect my stuff from his friend. He is being very nasty.

From his behaviour and the emails and texts he has sent me, it appeared that he thought that I was going to return to him. He wrote in one nasty email that he was packing my things up and that I should collect them - yet he is now making my life difficult when I want to collect my things from the flat. I have found with him that he says and does one thing and yet he means another. Even now, I say that he loved me even when telling me that he didnt. Something is very wrong with this man and I am sorry that I couldnt be the person to help him - I loved him so much and most probably still do. I cannot descript the hell of these last months thaat evn now haunt me.

The love I felt for this man was greater than anything that I have ever felt for anyone before. I have never encountered anything like his kind of behaviour. I have lived a life where people I have known have usually been kind and pleasant to me. I have found that being nice to people is second nature and people are always happy to return that kindness. Here was a man who seemed to enjoy being unkind and spiteful. This is something that I cannot make any sense of. Neither can I make sense of the fact that he would show yet another side to other people and not allow them to see the nastiness inside him. He kept that mostly for me!

A couple of weeks before I left him he said thar he couldnt have a relationship with me as he was afraid that one day hed come back and Id be gone. Its the way it turned out! I miss him and continue to think about him. I made my decision and have begun making a new life for myself. I hope that I can forget these past couple of years and the trauma.

Thank you for your help and encouragement - it was always appreciated. Id love to know how things are with you all. Wilsons story is interesting, Dave has described things so well for me and helped me in my understanding of my ex-partner. Please write and tell me.

Warm regards

Mel[/quote]



Hi Mel,

I am a new member and read your story from earlier this year with great interest and understanding. I am going through a very similar situation with my husband at the moment. We have been together 13 years and last year we had our first child who is now 13 months. My husbands moods started changing last Nov. He became irritable/moody/nasty and did not want to spend any time with us. He began accusing me of controlling his life and never having any freedom. The crunch came this year in May when he moved out and went back to live with his mum. I realised he was suffering from depression a few weeks later. His attitiude and mood towards me changed immediately he moved out. He became kinder, more caring and basically started to spend more time with us. Ironic really as he started doing all the things he refused to do when he lived at home.
It has been really difficult as like you in the beginning I know that our relationship can work and become stronger even though he cannot see it at the moment.
If I ask him now where he thinks things willl end up - his response depends on what kind of mood he is in. If he is in a good mood - he says us working things out could be an option. If he is in a bad mood then he says this is not an option. Its really difficult to keep positive about things, especially when you have firends and family who do not really understand and think I am probably being stupid and naieve for continuing to stand by and support him.
Each week I can see the old person slowly coming back in him, but if any pressure is put on him he immdieately resolves back to puting a front on and becoming cold and distance. He has started going out alot with his mates drinking as he has told me this is the only way he can shut everything off for a few hours and sleep properly when he goes home.
I have just learnt to take each day as it comes and are just trying to be patient with him for as long as i can. I am just hoping that by trying to help him feel good about himself will bring him out of this depression, as he point blank refuses and help what so ever, and if I try to talk to him about depression he immediately denies this and shuts off completely.
If anyone else is experiencing similar problems I would be really grateful to hear back

CT

Dear CT,

How well I can identify with what you are saying and how you are feeling and knowing how hope springs eternally to our hearts. I wish you much strength and I wish you well. I hope that things turn out well for you.

I remember well my feelings of hope and the positive feelings in my heart. Although he treated me in a way that I would never treat another humanbeing, I continued to hold out and stay with him. I felt duty bound to support him in his illness. I loved him too much to give in.

Eventually, the continued coldness, the nastiness and him telling me again and again that he didnt love me or care for me or want me in his life, drove me away and one evening I filled my car with some of my belongings and left him and have had no contact ever since. It was a situation where no matter how nasty he was to me, I just continued to smile and be warm and loving towards him. He told me again and again and again that he didnt love me, didnt want to be with me although his behaviour didnt always mirror his words. I found it very confusing.

It is now two months since I left. He sent me a nasty email and some nasty texts but I did not respond. Happily, my son drove to his home about a month ago and collected my personal belongings - the flat belongs to his friend/boss who has known him some twenty years - and the friend helped my son load my belongings into the van. My ex had just thrown everything of mine into one big pile on the floor ie clothes, kitchen equipment, personal items, etc The ex was not there and when my son returned my things to me, I could still feel the spitefulness in his actions - I got the feeling that he had thought I would return, that he cared enough about me to feel bitter that I had left. I felt that he was angry because he had lost control of me.

Initially, I felt numb. Whenever any thoughts of him come to mind, I push them away. Some days this is harder to do. Now, I feel sort of closed in, distant from the world - alone with my pain. I hardly allow myself to cry - I have this fear that should I begin to cry, I will never ever stop. What hurts me most of all now is not so much the fact that the relationship ended but the fact that he treated me so badly. It is almost as though I am having a delayed reaction to the nastiness. I wonder why that is? I feel traumatised by what happened and by his behaviour towards me. I feel so sad - the sadness encompasses me - it feels almost as though I have been physically wounded.

I try and put on a show of still being this happy bubbly person - the one I was before! - but in reality, I dont feel like this. I feel very sad - almost dead inside. However, I go about my life as usual and those not close to me never guess the turmoil I am going through. When will the ache go away?

My life is very different now - I have another kind of life now. Different home, different town, different life. I start a new job next week so different colleagues too.

Unhappily though, I have still not moved on emotionally. Two months and I am still sad. Two months and I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel.

There is no doubt in my mind that leaving him was the best thing I could have done for myself and I dont regret that for a single second. I suppose that deep down, Im probably still in love with him and dont doubt that Ill always be. It was what he couldnt understand - that no matter how nasty he was to me, how many times he said he didnt love me, I always loved him - I never stopped. He once said that I had no selfrespect.

In conclusion Id say that in loving this man and in trying to help him and keep our relationship afloat, I have damaged myself quite badly. My hope is that the damage is not permanent and that I can go back to being the person I once was.

Regards

Mel

Hi Mel,

Thank you for replying. I am so sorry to hear how you feel and how your circumstances have worked out. I think the worst feeling is when you start questioning yourself. You carry on supporting them becuase its what feels right inside, but you get to a point when you start asking yourself if you are really just holding onto false hopes.
Its slightly different for me at the moment as my husband is not nasty to me now anymore. The only time he gets cold or nasty is if I am having a bad day and I try to talk to him about the situation and ask for answers. Its as if he just cannot cope with any pressure at the moment including questions from myself. Yet the majority of the time he is fine - his moods change all the time. one minute he is loving and caring, then its like a switch is flicked inside him and he becomes moody and very quiet. When he is like this I just tend to ignore the mood and carry on as normal or stay out of his way. Its when I react to this mood that we end up having words and this is when he is nasty.
I would say honestly that as the weeks go on we do seem to be getting closer together and spending more time together as a family. It certainly not going the other way where we are drifting apart.
My problem is all I can do is be patient and this is very difficult at times, as I need to know where this is going and when he will make comitments to me again - but at the moment he cannot answer those questions.
Sometimes I think to myself that I am being naeive and I should call it a day once and for all and start getting on with my own life as you have. Maybe if my husband was being more nasty to me as yours was has been then I think I would make the same move as you.
But at the moment I can only carry on and let nature take its course.

I hope you start to feel better about yourself soon. I often find that if I am feeling sad if I think about the times when my husband was being nasty to me this soon drives out those sad feelings.
Do you go out much with your friends? I have started to go out again once a week for a few drinks with my mates and I have found this really theraputic. It gives you something to look forward to each week, plus I have met quite a few new people when out. It does give you new found confidence which does help.

CT

Mel,

Two months isn't really that long, since you are recovering from a long relationship. You have to heal from the emotional damage you incurred.

Every day or week, you will start to feel more like "yourself", more sunny, less like your life is about the fact that you are no longer with your partner.

It may help to do some relaxation\stress reduction exercises and remember the good things about yourself.

Best,
Mermaid

Dear CT,

Thanks for taking the time to get back to me.

I am glad that things are going well with you and hope that they continue to do so.

I tried for a long long time to put up with the moodswings and pretend that they didnt matter to me. I carried on as normal and no matter how nasty he was to me, I never allowed him to see my hurt. He KNEW that I loved him and he knew that he upset me but I kept my reactions for when I was alone.

It seems that now I am having those reactions and this is colouring my life. Yesterday I went out for the day and half way through, I had to go and sit in the car because I just couldnt stop crying. I hadnt cried like that before and it wore me out. I feel smashed up, worn out - just absolutely bushed most of the time. I dont feel that I can spend too much time in other peoples company. Mostly I want to be alone. Im sure that cant be too good for me.

Whether all of his behaviour was due to depression, I am not sure. However, I do know that his behaviour was unlike anything I have ever encountered before. The sudden changes - almost like the switch of a button - the warmth and caring and THEN, the nastiness, the selfcentredness, the selfishness - these are things that will take me a long time to forget I think. It has all had a profound effect of me.

The strange thing was though, that even at the end before I left, I still felt that he loved me! I still think that he thought Id never leave! I have the feeling that this man wasnt capable of putting anyone else before himself.

I am starting a new job today and hope Ill be able to get through it...

I hope things continue to be good for you.

Take care

Mel

Dear Mermaid,

Thanks for your thoughtful words.

I had hoped that after a while, Id get used to the idea that he was no longer in my life. I had hoped that after his behaviour, I wouldnt loved him any more. It seems as though it is getting harder now rather than easier and makes me wonder why things are getting worse rather than easier.

And yes, I feel damaged - even traumatised by all this.

I hope very much that things do improve and that they do become easier. This past weekend has certainly been difficult. I cried for the first time - it was grim! I just cant seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am usually a happy bubbly optimistic person...

I am not sure which exercises you mean. I really do need to try something to stop the way I feel right now.

Thanks for your input - I am grateful

Mel

Hi mel

It's nice to see you back on the board again, and I hope you will stay with us as you begin to build a new life.

It's important to remember that you need time to heal. It just doesn't happen overnight. You have sustained a major loss, and it is natural to feel very low. Your emotional exhaustion is completely normal.

It might help to let your new workplace know that you are dealing with a major life crisis. It's amazing how much stress you can relieve by just letting people know that you are struggling with something. You are not asking for help, or special treatment, you are just letting them know. That way you will not feel the pressure to "keep a good face on it". And as a result of that, you will probably actually find it easier to keep a good face on it! (We're funny, we humans... )

Kathleen

Hi Kathleen,

Thanks for your words and for helping me feel 'normal' again...

Yes I do feel that I have lost quite a lot, I feel worn and also damaged. I feel as though I have been to hell and back and seem to be suffering from all the months thast I kept smiling.... Its good to know that it is normal to feel lioke this.


I will remember what you said about letting them know at work. Today was my first day and it was okay. He was still very much on my mind but I was able to work and keep my mind of that. Should it get too difficult I will take your advice.

I tried reading 'How to Mend Your Broken Heart' by Paul McKenna as I thought this might help me but it forced me to think too much and so I put it down. I was such a happy and optimistic person but now I am a shell of what I was.

Thank you for your understanding.

Mel