Loss of Self Esteem Etc

Hello,

I am writing because I have been suffer for about 5 years with many mental health problems, primarily HAD, clinical depression, and lonliness. I am only nineteen but I feel much older due to the amount of struggle I have overcome and am still trying to over come. I was bullied for 4 years (verbally kind of) starting from seventh grade basically until the beginning of 11th grade.

Ive told by my mom that I was always a happy and confident kid but unfortunately I dont remember much of my life before being bullied. In addition I started smoking weed and I smoked weed for almost two and a half years until I quit 7 weeks ago. It took me a while to get to that point because I liked how it made me feel however at the spointing had many realizationes that it was making my anxiety worse and preventing any sort of treatment from being helpful, so I continued to smoke.
By the time I graduated high school (which I never thought I would do) I was smoking everyday and very heavily and the only "friends" I had were smokers. Since I moved to a new School senior year I didnt know anyone and felt outlasted and used weed to socialize even throughout the summer after I graduated and my first year of college which I didnt complete because I was smoking so much i was too depressed and tired to physically get out of bed and make it to class. I realized that the people I called my friends were really just selfish and made stupid decisions.

Thankfully I have successfully quit smoking and I feel much better physically but im very lonely because I dont really talk to anyone and I still have quite a bit if anxiety which makes it super hard to socialize normallyet alone without using weed.

I feel throughout my experiences in highschool and with smoking I lost my self esteem and that along with my constant anxiety is what is holding me back the most. I have been taking summer classes at the same school and plan to return in the fall but academics are challenging and they are even more challenging when I focus most of my energy on (unsuccessfully) making new friends. I usually dont feel any real pleasure in sexual activities which isn't really a big deal but it just adds to my profound lonliness and feelings of self doubt and general disconectivness. I realize this post is probably disjointed and hard to follow but I would appreciate any feedback or advice. Please message me instead of commenting if you can.

Thanks