Eating Disorder/Anorexia? I Need Help!!!

Hi,

I'm a 5 ft 3 female weighing at 7 stones (98 pounds). Where should I start? Food was always a big part of my life, I never thought twice about eating food or the amount (not that I used to overeat). My relationship with food was great; I enjoyed all types of food. Earlier this year around February, I drastically cut down my food intake, from eating three meals a day to barely eating one. Needlessly to say I lost quite a lot of weight around three stones (42 pounds). I went down from a jeans size 10 (uk) to a 6/4 (uk).

Over the past couple of months my attitude has changed towards food in a positive way, I eat a little more and don't stress as much but I still under eat. I typically eat around 300-600 calories a day, if I eat any more I instantly feel sick and disgusted at myself. There was a time where I used to purge on rare occasions, when I thought I had too much to eat but fortunately I don’t anymore. I wake up some mornings and feel happy about my figure, I feel good about myself but other mornings I feel as if I am so fat and ugly and that I need to lose weight.

My family has noticed the drastic change in my weight and are constantly worried about my health. They keep badgering me day in day out to eat more almost forcing food into my mouth, taking up the role as the food police. I understand that they are worried about me but their regular verbal poundings are not helping whatsoever. I don't think I fully accept my eating disorder; even my tiny jeans are not convincing me or my calorie intake. I don't know what to do, at times I feel normal, like I have no eating disorder and that my behaviour and attitude towards food is fine but then there are times like this where I am scared to death about where I am heading and what I am doing to myself.

I remember when I used to eat as normal and sometimes I used to indulge in late night snacks but I never minded myself until my mum started to pick up on it. She always used to tell me I am gaining weight and fat is hanging off from me and that I should stop eating so much. Maybe that stuck in my mind more than I knew and ate away at my love for food until I started hating food itself. Whatever the reason, I need to start having a healthy outlook on food and my diet. I need to start eating a healthy amount so my body does not eat away at itself so I don't become a bag of bones because in all honesty I think that is the way I am heading. I don't think I am ready to overcome this though; even half acknowledging it doesn't make me want to.

I constantly analyze possible triggers and problems in my life that may have caused me to behave like this but nothing adds up. I have suffered from depression for 2-3 years. I have gone through phases of depression, for months I could be happy and content with my life and surroundings and then something just changes and I feel the complete opposite. I pick at little things that I don't like and blow things out of proportion and these little anger outbursts escalate into bigger anger problems and I get stuck into that phase for months.

Saii x