I'm living this blues for a year now, maybe more. It started way back though. Last time with heart attack my father went through. I moved back in with my parents, at the time, my mother went through her menopause and my father started showing some signs of Parkinson's and general dementia. They started having great conflicts after almost 30 years of smooth relationship. It broke us completely. I became too involved in the attempt to saving their relationship and my sense of home stability that I needed just like the air we are breathing, and they drown all my energy and life inspirations away. Slowly I lost myself and stopped living for myself completely. Then finally it went so far, that my father was hit by the major heart attack, which he luckily survived because I was home with him at that time. He recovered. And I didn't. I simply stopped existing that day. It was such a shock that I needed more than a year to get sort of over my sense of depersonalisation and derealisation. I found a job in the mean time but we couldn't get along for more than a year. I believe that when we feel broken, we are drawn to people who need broken people - so my job was constant mobbing from my boss and her husband, and after nine months I said I have enough. After that, I found one hobby that helped me recover from everything and for a year everything was quite peaceful. Not prosperous, just mostly without major stress factors. Then my father's health went down again, and they planned to make heart surgery that was finally canceled a couple of months ago since doctors thought and decided that it would be too risky and that they probably would wake him up from the anaesthetic. And then everything started again. Nightmare. My sense of derealisation, detachment... it's hart to explain.
I'm stuck at home now. Literally. I'm looking for a new job, but honestly, I'm not really looking. I don't have any motivation at all. Not motivation to move on, somewhere, somehow, not an inspiration to do finally something with my life.
Before all this started going on, I was the truly proactive person who loved to work and interact with people on all kinds of projects or iniciatives. I felt comfortable taking responsibilities for leading people and facilitate proceses of any action we were working on, and people generally liked cooperate with me.
And now I'm just home. And I don't feel like moving anywhere at all.
And I know where this is leading, but I'm just sort of paralised. My boyfriend doesn't understand this at all, and my parents don't see what's going on. They feel comfortale with having me home, at hand when they need me and that's it. My nonexisting life, that I don't even know how or when it wanished completely...
I don't even know how to finnish this post... I want something to change, but I don't know what or where to begin. But this blues is killing me in a real sense.
Blues, or how to call it...
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by ^_^ » Tue Jul 18, 2017 12:08 am
When I was 18 years old my father was dying from lung cancer. When he died I was relieved. Not because his suffering had ended or something altruistic like that. But merely for personal reasons, because I could finally start to mourn, because I finally didn't have this impending doom hanging over our father-son relationship anymore.
You're a kind person to take care of your parents like that, and there's nothing wrong with it, but try to allot a reasonable time slot for yourself. Something you enjoy, like meeting up with old friends, a hobby. Maybe discuss this need with your parents so you can work out an arrangement were you can have some time by yourself without worrying about leaving them to themselves. And yes, in the event that your father would come to pass you'll ask yourself if perhaps you should have done more, spend more time. So its normal that you want to make the most of it, but at what cost? The memories you're building now are not the ones you'll look back to with nostalgia. Again, I'm not saying you should stop taking care off him, it's a noble thing to do. Just look for a balance where it doesn't consume your individuality and sense of life/purpose. It doesn't make you a monster to desire a life of your own.
You're a kind person to take care of your parents like that, and there's nothing wrong with it, but try to allot a reasonable time slot for yourself. Something you enjoy, like meeting up with old friends, a hobby. Maybe discuss this need with your parents so you can work out an arrangement were you can have some time by yourself without worrying about leaving them to themselves. And yes, in the event that your father would come to pass you'll ask yourself if perhaps you should have done more, spend more time. So its normal that you want to make the most of it, but at what cost? The memories you're building now are not the ones you'll look back to with nostalgia. Again, I'm not saying you should stop taking care off him, it's a noble thing to do. Just look for a balance where it doesn't consume your individuality and sense of life/purpose. It doesn't make you a monster to desire a life of your own.
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by BlueMist » Wed Jul 26, 2017 1:09 am
Thank you for your kind words. Some of them touched me profoundly. I'll manage somehow. I'll keep going, change some things I can change and leave all else to the life it self.
Greateful regards from south side of Alps
Greateful regards from south side of Alps
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