I'm living this blues for a year now, maybe more. It started way back though. Last time with heart attack my father went through. I moved back in with my parents, at the time, my mother went through her menopause and my father started showing some signs of Parkinson's and general dementia. They started having great conflicts after almost 30 years of smooth relationship. It broke us completely. I became too involved in the attempt to saving their relationship and my sense of home stability that I needed just like the air we are breathing, and they drown all my energy and life inspirations away. Slowly I lost myself and stopped living for myself completely. Then finally it went so far, that my father was hit by the major heart attack, which he luckily survived because I was home with him at that time. He recovered. And I didn't. I simply stopped existing that day. It was such a shock that I needed more than a year to get sort of over my sense of depersonalisation and derealisation. I found a job in the mean time but we couldn't get along for more than a year. I believe that when we feel broken, we are drawn to people who need broken people - so my job was constant mobbing from my boss and her husband, and after nine months I said I have enough. After that, I found one hobby that helped me recover from everything and for a year everything was quite peaceful. Not prosperous, just mostly without major stress factors. Then my father's health went down again, and they planned to make heart surgery that was finally canceled a couple of months ago since doctors thought and decided that it would be too risky and that they probably would wake him up from the anaesthetic. And then everything started again. Nightmare. My sense of derealisation, detachment... it's hart to explain.
I'm stuck at home now. Literally. I'm looking for a new job, but honestly, I'm not really looking. I don't have any motivation at all. Not motivation to move on, somewhere, somehow, not an inspiration to do finally something with my life.
Before all this started going on, I was the truly proactive person who loved to work and interact with people on all kinds of projects or iniciatives. I felt comfortable taking responsibilities for leading people and facilitate proceses of any action we were working on, and people generally liked cooperate with me.
And now I'm just home. And I don't feel like moving anywhere at all.
And I know where this is leading, but I'm just sort of paralised. My boyfriend doesn't understand this at all, and my parents don't see what's going on. They feel comfortale with having me home, at hand when they need me and that's it. My nonexisting life, that I don't even know how or when it wanished completely...
I don't even know how to finnish this post... I want something to change, but I don't know what or where to begin. But this blues is killing me in a real sense.