can anybody help me?

I'm not really sure where to start but I saw these messages from people feeling a similar way to me and I felt that if I could ever get help maybe it would be here.
I have suffered from depression for as long as i can remember in regular bouts. I know all of the signs that its coming now but somehow I still don't know how to deal with it. I've been prescribed so many various pills over the years but it doesn't seem to help. I've seen counsellors who try to blame it on any childhood event they can see but I really don't feel any connection with those theories. I don't remember a time where I felt content in myself, even as a small child. Like people you see every day making plans and looking relaxed. I feel seperate, always an observer. I'm a great actress like that. In my good phases noone would know how confused I am trying to grasp how to feel. I am so ashamed of how I am, even talking now I hate the way it sounds. I'm afraid that I will never feel that sense of eblonging and it scares me to death. I have become an addict tosome very serious drugs. I realise that it is become those are the only times I feel warm and relaxed. I am getting clean right now, it's so hard but I am not giving in to it.
I'm so afraid of spending my life like this. I am single, so responsible for things and my practical life has fallen apart because I can't deal with it, I am badly in debt, and can't see a way out. I am tired of living like this. I need to know if I will always be like this, bearing in mind that I always have been. I'm terrified of carrying on like this. I feel alone and scared, and whenever I have asked for help (doctors etc) noone seems able to. The truth is I don't want to live anymore like this, I have no desire to wake up, but the alternative of hurting my family is what keeps me doing so. Sorry about how rambling this is but I don't know how to explain myself. Can anybody advise me?
Thank you for listening.