Two months into the relationship (seven months since the breakup), my ex texted me apologizing. He said he was sorry, hoped I was well and happy, wanted to know if we could be friends one day, and let me know that he didn't blame me if I didn't respond. I responded thanking him for his apology and forgiving him. I left it at that. He texted me afterwards but I did not respond.
3-4 months later he started contacting me again. This time, more frequently. This time, with questions about my life/job. He never asked to see me or anything. The conversations were always light and not flirty in any way - my ex was genuinely one of my best friends and I was happy to have my friend back, even if it was just over a weekly text.
As the months went on in my new relationship, it became more and more apparent we were not compatible and that I was not over my ex. So I broke up with him because it was not fair to him. Things were going great for me. I knew I was still in love with my ex but I had no desire to pursue anything. I was happy being by myself.
A few weeks later, my ex and I are still texting. He is always the one that texts me first and the texts are becoming more frequent. One night he asks for help on something - just a simple question I can answer. In return for my "help" he says he'd take me out for drinks. So at that point it became clear he just wanted to see me. I agreed to see him thinking it would be fine because it had been a year. Literally a year almost to the exact day.
As soon as I saw him it became very obvious it wasn't going to be fine even if it had been a year. And not "not fine" as in bad, "not fine" as in my heart is going to explode. I will never have the same type of feelings for anyone else and I am positive of that. I don't believe in soulmates but this man is my person. It was the perfect date. I went back to his place and we stayed up until 6am talking about everything and then fell asleep.
I woke up to him holding me telling me how much he missed me. We spent the whole day together. As I said before, I never looked for him on social media and I didn't want to hear about him. This was not the case for him. He asked about things I had posted 12, 11, 10 months ago on snapchat. It wasn’t like he just scrolled through a timeline before he saw me. Genuine questions about my family members, questions about things I forgot had happened. He had been checking up on me the entire time. Nothing has felt better than knowing that.
We spent the next week together. Pretty much every day and night. It was just like before except he seemed lighter (?), better maybe. He was more open about his mental health than he was before. He apologized to me every chance he got it seemed like. I assured him I did not want an apology; what happened was a year ago and it is okay. He just seemed to feel an extreme amount of guilt. He began saying things like he didn’t deserve me. This started to become concerning...I started to remember the way his anxiety would take over his thoughts. The way everything would implode in his mind if one thing went wrong or if he couldn't move past one thing.
Other than that, the week was great. Constantly told me how wrong he was, how he always missed me, how great I am, how he wasn’t against going back to how things were. Still, I never contacted him first - I think after our breakup I learned to just let go and be okay with whatever happens. So that's what I did. He continued to contact me, continued to want to see me everyday and take me on dates.
That brings me to this week, the week after the fantastic week. The heart emojis have stopped being sent. He still texts me often and I respond and then he responds with only a few words. If I don’t respond to the 2-3 words he will text me again. Something feels off and weird. If this was ANY other guy that has been in my life I would think he’s doing something shady. However, I know that is not what’s going on.
I don’t know if he’s afraid of letting me down. Or afraid of possibly doing the same thing in the future - so he’d rather just prevent it from happening altogether. Not sure if he's getting cold feet or has started to feel anxious about the entire thing. I have no idea what happened.
He’s the only guy I have ever truly wanted to marry and have children with so I’m not sure I’m ready to just give up altogether. I did my own thing for a year and, yes, I’m a million times stronger of a person now but those feelings for him never went away. I’m not sure cutting him off will do anything for me.
I’m not devastated like I was the first time he left. I will never feel that amount of loss over him or a relationship again. I do love the guy more than anything but I’m not going to lose myself over him. Weirdest thing is I’m not even sad really, just confused.
