My Son’s Choices=My Sadness

Hello. This is my first time on here and not sure if I’m even doing this right. I read a few post from several years ago from a mom who described a situation just like mine. There were two replies that were eye opening for me & it inspired me to post since I need to know I’m not alone. Could I just be making a big deal out of nothing?

Our other kids know something is very off about our oldest son. I haven’t told them everything, just the basics. He was always different and extremely intelligent. Didn’t talk until he was 4. He had a few friends in school but it was hard for him to keep them due to being so socially awkward. He’s admitted that he was bullied during elementary & junior high school and I had no idea. I would ask if anybody was being mean to him and he would always say no and then I would ask if he would tell me the truth and he said that he was telling me the truth. So I am always depressed about not catching on and not doing what I should’ve done which was to go to the principal but I didn’t know! I spent a lot of time at the school as a volunteer so I could keep an eye on him and protect him as much as I could. We tried to get him to go in so we could get an Aspergers test since he seemef to fit all that criteria from four years old and up. Anyway, he seem to do OK in high school and made good grades. He sang in the choir and was in a rock band. I think he was smoking pot because I could see all the signs and when I would address it with him, he would just deny it. He finally got through that phase and after graduation, he seemed dismayed that all his high school “friends” went off and had their own life. Meanwhile he went to college and got an associate degree and was planning on a journalism degree. He seem to change a lot and told me that he had been atheist since he was in eighth grade. Now the changes are even worse. He’s decided that he’s going off into the wilderness to live. And wants to “get off the grid” and doesn’t shower because he thinks that it is a waste of time and that of people don’t accept him for who he is then who needs them. I try to spend time with him but he starts to argue and we tend to get into deep philosophical talks and it turns to religion and it’s getting pretty ugly. He has made a friend on “YouTube“ and I noticed one night that it said that he was a Satanist. My senses what does it matter since he doesn’t believe in heaven or hell anyway. He goes for walks in the park and collects berries off the trees to use when he’s cooking pancakes. He never even checked to see if they were poisonous berries. Just did it. He doesn’t use soap he just washes with water and that might be only once a week. He refuses to get a job and his father doesn’t want us to kick him out because we truly believe that he has five functioning autism. And he won’t go to the doctor and he is in complete denial about it and gets very angry when we try to talk about it. Point is, it’s affecting my life so much that I’m so depressed that every day I wonder if I’m going to make it through the day without crying. Very hard to get through work and take time out for myself because I spend my time buying food for him since he will only eat vegetarian food. And he walks without shoes. He won’t wear shoes anywhere unless it’s a restaurant. He had a job but somehow got fired because he was late a few times and stated that he didn’t feel that 15 minutes was a big deal. He just doesn’t get it and my heart bleeds for him because I know deep down inside he’s a sweet kind person with a good heart that people don’t see or know about. He’s angry at the church, he’s angry at society and he’s past his anger over me. Even when I had him he never had his back but he seems to have great joy spending time with his dogs. He’s grown a beard and I found books on Hinduism as well as the Quran. We are a very big Christian family and I don’t push church because I feel that it’s important to teach about Jesus Christ which I do with all the other kids but he has never wanted to take part stating that religion is not real and that all Christians are fake hypocrites. Seeing my son not go to work every day and spend his time reading books as well as writing in his journal makes me so sad. I want to have him enjoy his life and get a job and smile and laugh again. I know he’s depressed but he denies it and he will not go to the doctor. He says he’s happy being one with nature and that he’s never been more peace. I have prayed and prayed and it’s getting to the point where it’s correcting my health and I truly believe that it’s becoming a dysfunctional codependent type relationship. How do I break the cycle without feeling like I’m this terrible mom. I want him to know how much I love you and I’m with him during this difficult time. Sometimes I feel better when I’ve been away from him for a few days. I start to feel more like myself again and I’m a better mom to the other kids. And I feel guilty about that! I know I have missed spelled somethings in this but it’s getting late and I just hope somebody can relate or has been through this. Like I said, I found somebody on here that went through this but it was many years ago & I have no way of contacting her on this forum.