Rock Bottom

Hi All,

Really have never been one to share my emotions or look to others for answers - but am currently struggling. I am on day 14 of no smoking weed or tobacco and haven't quite felt anything like it before.

My condensed story is as follows:
I started smoking weed at the age of 13 I am 25 (almost 26) now. Puberty hit me pretty hard is really the only explanation I have been able to come up with. I thought that it would be "cool" to smoke - so I started. I wasn't a daily/habitual user until the age of 15, when I had my first knee surgery/infection, and have no clue why I continued to smoke and experiment with drugs. Rehab#1 (outpatient) happened at age 16. I wasn't "hooked" on anything but was experimenting with anything I could get my hands on, cocaine, oxy's, ecstasy, you name it and wasn't being careful about it either. I wanted to do more than anyone around and be "bad donkey." Never stopped using and gradually became angry, hateful, and jaded. Rehab #2 (inpatient) came along when my parents had had enough and were scared for my future as I dropped out of high school. This time I went through withdrawals from oxy's pretty hard. I eventually got clean and moved out to a ranch to learn "life skills." I felt good and 6 months later moved back to southern California - this is the last time I would feel good. I then went to Junior College and transferred to UCSD and graduated with honors and now have a job in private equity that I worked very hard for. College years were used to "prove to the world that I could be successful in life while doing whatever I wanted." My parents had told me otherwise my whole life. I lived a fake life is the best way I can put it. I partied did drugs and got belligerently stoned when I could. I thought to myself "hey I hav a then fiance and had a great job everything is great" - to anyone who didn't know me life looked grand. I even stopped using hard drugs (mdma at the time, the toll on my body was too much) and thought that smoking weed was fine.
Life hit hard a year and half ago. I called off my wedding 2 weeks before it was supposed to happen - long story but condensed version is her family didn't like me. Every other aspect was great but seemed silly to go into a marriage with that. There are a loooooot more details but that is the jist. It hurt and started smoking a ton and using wax to literally sedate myself to the point of passing out. Somehow I through all of this I continued to pursue my passion - rock climbing. I was climbing foolishly, suicidily without a rope on routes I had no business on. I survived somehow.
About 3 months ago I began to wonder if I had ever dealt with the trauma from my last relationship. As I began pondering this it hit me. Did my brain ever develop? Have I ever matured or dealt with any issues in my life (there are more I left out as this is getting wordy)? I finally decided to QUIT smoking and see what feeling sober is like!
Holy sh**...... There are actually withdrawals. Insomnia, sweats, anxiety, restlessness, body numbness, nausia, body aches, and fever. I was not expecting this.
Another life crisis hit - I developed blood clots in my lungs and chest. I had vascular thoracic outlet syndrome (constriction of artery and vein in you chest cavity) from all of the rock climbing I have done. I spent a week in the ICU at the hospital allowing the clots to clear. I then hit rock bottom while I waited for a surgery to correct the issue. I couldn't face life. I smoked more than I ever have to sedate all feelings I had while I waited for my surgery. I thought to myself "I will just make my surgery date my quit date." This is what I did.

I am 100% never going to smoke again but dang this is hard. So many thoughts swimming in my "cloudy" head. Do I even know who I am? What happens when I am sober for longer than 6 months? I have never known this person in my adult life. If I am honest it horrifies me - but I am so determined to find a sober life and truly discover myself.

Does anyone have a similar story or any words of advice on how to tackle these life questions? I don't feel I need "counseling" as I am successful etc.... (not trying to sound cocky). But damn have I ever felt so lost - wandering aimlessly with no purpose in life. I don't want this to sound like a pity party. I don't feel bad for myself - I dug this whole.

I will be posting on a weekly basis of my progress, both on detoxing from weed and discovering a new life, from this point forward - just writing this now seems to help. I would love to find others either quitting smoking with a similar timeline as me to walk through the journey!!