by Ashley2010 » Sun Oct 22, 2017 6:10 pm
Hello, I am new to the forum and I never posted anything like this before. I'm a 16-year old in online highschool, with several medical conditions, some of which has gone undiagnosed for a good portion of my life. I was born almost two months early and at one point, the doctos weren't sure if I was gonna make it. This lead to a lot of health problems later in life. My docor actually indtructed me to gain weight, because I wasn't growing. I've had two surgeries on my right knee, because of a growth prolem. This prevented me from gaining any athletic skills. I also suffer from ADD, hypothyroidism and celiac disease. I'm not sure if I have an anxiety problem, but I have shown signs of social phobia in the past and recently. I can even walk in my own neighborhood anymore because I'm too afraid of seeing other people or vice versa. I also struggle immensely with school and self-confidence. It started with elementary school, when my undiagnosed medical conditions interfered with my school work. I would pass gas and stink up the classroom and be known as the "stinky girl", or my ADD and absent seizures(undiagnosed until 6th grade) would cause me to miss what other kids of the instructors said. I had a hard time making friends, I only ever had one friend in my classes. I've always had a shy nature, but with the experience of multiple chronic medical conditions, made me stay away from others to not be a burden. The problem is, I've spent so much time trying to fix my body and trying to catch up in school, is that I haven't put down the time to work on myself, to find any passions or hobbies. I enjoy reading fantasy/fiction books and music, but lately I realized those two things are somewhat of an escape when I can't handle my problems. If I had a 7/10 physical pain, i would listen to my favorite song and drown out the pain. I have a daydreaming and chronic earworm(song stuck in your head for a period of time) problem because of this escaping habit. I can't sleep without falling into my fantasy world and I zone out while trying to concentrate. I also have multiple songs, quotes from tv shows and memories from my past constantly re-playing in my head. I think that's why I LITERALLY try to drown out my mind. I can't even use the toilet without reading something or going up the stairs in my house has been hard, because the mental noise just gets SO loud. I've dropped multiple classes in academics because physical symptoms started to arise from stress, but I steel feel scared when I try to think about my future. I feel like, if my life hasn't miraculously changed in about one year from now, I won't have an independent future. And I really don't want to live in my parents house after highschool. I've tried talking to my parents about this, but they're more concerned about getting me "healthy" before anything else. But I don't now what the heck I am outside of my illness. I feel like a giant burden on my parents, I'm the sibling that has more attention because of illness and I don't want to be that. It's hard seeing people and going to public places. I want to fix myself, but It'd hard to live a life in the meantime. Could anyone please tell me what to do?