Hello Anxiety

Hey guys, Witchoo.

I'm a 23 year old guy from the UK. I've been suffering from panic attacks for the last 7/8 months which resulted in other anxiety symptoms. At the beginning, it was mostly ones that feign heart attacks. Before knowing I was suffering from plain old anxiety, I had went to hospital for dizziness and panic attack-like sensations. I was told on the spot that I had an viral infection that effects balance and was injected with an antipsychotic. I went home and after a few hours, I began to feel a cabin fever that drew darker and darker ever so. I went out for a walk and felt the sensation increase. Back home, I tried to be sick and nothing was happening. I phoned an ambulance in what I would call mental torture, thinking I had a bad reaction. I was in so much distress I was about to jump out the window. My parents turned up at the house and managed to get me into a taxi back to hospital. The doctor said I had a bad reaction and sedated me.

The next day it felt like I was slowly recovering from shock. It's like I had a panic attack but mixed with the symptoms of the drug which resulted in a new kind of terror attack. Instead of the fear of dying I had been getting with panic attacks, this was the opposite where I was under so much distress I felt I had to end my life. Bizarre and devastating. I came to the conclusion with my family that I never had the infection and it was just anxiety symptoms, the doctor did have a hard time diagnosing so it makes sense. After thinking it was bad luck and a one time occurrence, I would experience similar repetitive terror attacks (I call them terror attacks to differentiate from the panic attacks as they are both the two opposites) It's never as bad as the initial experience but I still have the feeling of needing to end my life in a panic-like state. A therapist told me that while I haven't developed PTSD aswell, it is a traumatic memory that now could act as a new recoccuring anxiety symptom. This is an interpretation of course of a very confusing scenario. One second I could be great and the next some hits and everyone surrounding me including sounds cave in and I feel instantly suicidal. Very strange and completely life-changing.

I've been to see a couple of therapists and recorded their tips and information. I have learned a bit about depersonalisation, derealisation, health anxiety and the frightening modes anxiety can put you in.
I'm at a strange stage of recovery where I've realised I may have had the optimum amount of professional help I can get and it's just a case of living with it and trying to beat it with the tools I've learned.

However, I experience symptoms that are really hard to describe. Instead of going to a therapist, I figured I can now explore an online community of people whom I can relate to that can hopefully help me and I, of course, can help others down the road of recovery and experience.

Recently, I've been feeling an aggressive energy, most likely built from frustration over the lack of control and the weight of the anxiety. I would say my mind interprets this energy as a rage, an incredibly strong feeling of not being able to do several things at once. It feels as thought I'm frustrated by physical limitations, like if I was to kick my foot into the ground it would never go deep enough or if I was to punch a punching bag, I could do it for ages but fear I would still feel the exact feeling of that impossible frustration afterwards, even if tiring the body. In fact, it's a frustration of the limits of any concept like a song, a book, a building, a conversation. SUCH A HARD IDEA TO PUT INTO WORDS. and by the very sound of it, it is irrational. But I guess I'm scared by this idea because I don't just think it, I feel it. I suddenly feel trapped in my own body. Like I need my intangible physical self to break out my own body. I can obviously literally survive and move about with it. But I can not enjoy life at all. The thought feels completely mutated, I feel it scares me before I have time to control it. I guess I need help to get rid of this bizarre part of the anxiety (if that is what it is). and to know if there's anybody out there that can relate in any way to this strange factor I've described. It's like my brain has malfunctioned and it's actually creating impossible sensations.

The sad thing is I'm not aggressive at all, I'm quite sensitive. So it's a surprising feeling, it's quite intense so it can be devastating. It almost feels like an inhuman urge that could never be relieved.
I have learned about the obsessive and irrational parts of anxiety, which i believe I have been having problems with.
It could very well be an irrational thought. But I desperately need guidance and clarity with this specific problem, as it doesn't just feel like a irrational thought, more a feeling.

Anyway, I'd love some advice, some things that have been great recovery hints for anyone out there with similar experiences.
Glad to be part of the community.

Thank you.