This is really going to sound strange...

Zuriel wrote:Gang...I am messed up! I am typically a fairly level headed person but I am really hitting a wall right now...any of you that have read previous posts of mine know that I am kind of a loose canon with advice and such...I just don't know how to move forward...last weekend, my sister got married...it was a fantastic wedding...but it was my last goal...You see I have not been able to set long term goals since my life came crashing down around me ten years ago (divorce). My longest goal (reason to stick around) was my daughter graduating high school...she did that this spring. Then my sisters wedding...that is over....

What about your divorce made you feel so emotionally crippled that you cannot move forward in setting long term goals?

Zuriel wrote:My job is stable and secure even with the economy tanking...but I only do that as a distraction from the "darkness". At my sisters wedding, I ran into the one person I gave my heart to years ago...my first true love...I never have loved anyone more...She lives like 2 hours from me now and wants to have an affair...it would be her third...I think she likes the excitement...anyhow, I want to love her again...and this could be my next goal...but I know it will only take the final breeze from my sail when it's over...WTF?

When you say affair, do you just mean she wants to get together for a fling, or is she married, and you mean AFFAIR affair? Also, living in such a way where you're already thinking of the demise of things before the beginning even happens is a self-fulfilling way to live, and will bring you gloom. Because you say so.

Zuriel wrote:My family (brothers, sisters, parents) all have their own lives to live so I do not want to burden them with my crazy talk...I have been through treatment for depression...but I feel we can control depression just like we control urination...it's easy for me to choose and be in a good / bad / indifferent mood...I am not depressed...I control how I feel by choosing to do so...I do not have a problem with this...but it is only on the surface...expressed outwardly...I am happy and anyone you ask that knows me will say the same...but none of them really know me...

My greatest problem is inward expression...I am tired, bored, sad, lonely, and simply want everything to stop. I am so f-ing messed up and don't know what else I can do to keep going...

When what we express outside as a facade is nothing how we feel inside, then we are not really choosing our moods, only our appearance, yes?

Peace.

I...we...spent ten years building a life...buying a house, making it a home, having a child, "enjoying" each other romantically, physically and emotionally. That was destroyed within one 15 minute conversation. My mistake was encouraging her to be friends with one of her coworkers (male) going through a divorce. They ended up messing around, but I was / am okay with that...then she left me for him...side note - she IS remarried and has fallen into the same lifestyle "we" had. The guy she left me for was 5 guys ago. for some reason she has harboured a ton of anger toward me and made the last 6 years hell for me. To this day, she will not even speak to me, e-mail me, text me, nothing. Strange part is, knowing the outcome, I would encourage her again to be friends with someone struggling.

I think I learned a hard lesson one afternoon in October, 2001, playing teeball with my daughter...nothing in this life is permanent...no matter how hard we try to do the right thing and be a kind person, things happen and life changes course. I feel this is my hang up on setting goals...really...why struggle to continue when nothing is forever. It is not that I can't move forward with long term goal setting...it's simply I see no reason to set long term goals when the future is so unpredictable.

As for the affair situation...it started with her first marriage...she left a guy at the alter for another guy...whom she later married...and divorced for another guy...who she left for the current guy she is seeing. She is simply dating right now...she was only married the one time...she tells me she is not leaving her current bf anytime soon...and I would never ask her to...with the history between us, I so bad want to share time with her, but I know it will be only temporary...that is what I do not think I will be able to handle.

I agree on the expression of appearance...but my outwardly expressed actions match my owtwardly expessed appearance...maybe this is why I am so tired of life...I have been working so hard to convince people that everything is great in my life.

Here-in lies another problem though...no-one wants to be around a constant downer...I don't want only depressed friends...I want happy friends...everyone tells me I have great karma because I help everyone / anyone that needs me and I am always so cheerful and happy-go-lucky...I think I just look for distractions from what is really happening inside...a denial of sorts...

Does any of this make sense???

Zuriel wrote:I...we...spent ten years building a life...buying a house, making it a home, having a child, "enjoying" each other romantically, physically and emotionally. That was destroyed within one 15 minute conversation. My mistake was encouraging her to be friends with one of her coworkers (male) going through a divorce. They ended up messing around, but I was / am okay with that...then she left me for him...side note - she IS remarried and has fallen into the same lifestyle "we" had. The guy she left me for was 5 guys ago. for some reason she has harboured a ton of anger toward me and made the last 6 years hell for me. To this day, she will not even speak to me, e-mail me, text me, nothing. Strange part is, knowing the outcome, I would encourage her again to be friends with someone struggling.

I think I learned a hard lesson one afternoon in October, 2001, playing teeball with my daughter...nothing in this life is permanent...no matter how hard we try to do the right thing and be a kind person, things happen and life changes course. I feel this is my hang up on setting goals...really...why struggle to continue when nothing is forever. It is not that I can't move forward with long term goal setting...it's simply I see no reason to set long term goals when the future is so unpredictable.

As for the affair situation...it started with her first marriage...she left a guy at the alter for another guy...whom she later married...and divorced for another guy...who she left for the current guy she is seeing. She is simply dating right now...she was only married the one time...she tells me she is not leaving her current bf anytime soon...and I would never ask her to...with the history between us, I so bad want to share time with her, but I know it will be only temporary...that is what I do not think I will be able to handle.

I agree on the expression of appearance...but my outwardly expressed actions match my owtwardly expessed appearance...maybe this is why I am so tired of life...I have been working so hard to convince people that everything is great in my life.

Here-in lies another problem though...no-one wants to be around a constant downer...I don't want only depressed friends...I want happy friends...everyone tells me I have great karma because I help everyone / anyone that needs me and I am always so cheerful and happy-go-lucky...I think I just look for distractions from what is really happening inside...a denial of sorts...

Does any of this make sense???

Well, I doubt that things were destroyed by a mere 15 minute conversation. What were other warning signs, areas of difficulty that had been coming to a peak? Had you had any inkling before this that she was perhaps less than faithful? And why were you OK with them messing around? Because it was "worth" the pain to "keep" her? Except it didn't last, regardless.

I am afraid I'm confused when you say,"I think I learned a hard lesson one afternoon in October, 2001, playing teeball with my daughter...nothing in this life is permanent...no matter how hard we try to do the right thing and be a kind person, things happen and life changes course." I am not sure I understand what exactly happened in that afternoon that was your hard lesson. Please clarify.

This other woman you are seeking to have an affair with sounds like she has the same kinds of tendencies as your ex-wife. Can you think why you continue to attract and be attracted to this kind of situation?

Is it possible that you do not feel worthy and so you look to be everyone's helper, savior, cheerer-upper, etc, to feel like you have purpose? Because, frankly, while others deserve happiness, so do you. Be on YOUR side, in YOUR corner, cheering YOU up. Or, is it possible that women who will leave you ease the fear of commitment? I suspect the first thing more, honestly, but perhaps there is a tinge of the latter as well.

Wishing you well,

Peace.

Mis-post.

you just need some love. that's all. its the biggest cure. and it will cure everything. you need to love yourself a bit more and do some things to pamper yourself. eventually your emotions will start coming out and you'll be able to express them a bit more properly with your depression coming down. and people will also start liking for who you are. and eventually you'll find the person you have been looking for.