Weird attitude problem

tatsh wrote:Hi. I don't know where to start but i think i really need your help. I found out since i met this abusive person, not in person but through online. I'm not sure if its because of him or because i was bullied when i was a kid. Lets cut this short. I can't control my emotions, myself specially when i'm upset or for example, i'm telling someone a story about a movie and if he/she don't get the story its like i'm getting frustrated because he/she didn't get or like misheard the story, until i'm raging, telling them hurtful words even swearing them. if that happens feels like i'm completely a different person a heartless person, urge to kill and feels like i'm so restless i don't know if i'm panicking.. and then after that if i know i hurt their feelings or told some mean words, i felt satisfaction.. its weird tho. i really don't know. i don't have any ideas, i cant event trust the internet about this, i'm not satisfied. This ruins every relationships i had, event my family. i get so distant and doesn't want to hang out with them. i felt hatred or i don't know what is this.

Hi Tatsh,

Happy New Year. Yeah, it seems that you are behaving as though you are continuously under stress which reduces your ability to exercise an optimum level of impulse control. When a person becomes aware that getting emotionally upset and Angry is a big problem for them, but force of habit causes them to still get emotional and Angry, then the Guilt and Anxiety about these continued ‘Infractions’ causes an additional level of Stress, which only ratchet’s up the problem. It creates a Positive Feedback Loop where getting Angry creates Stress which reduces the ability to exert Impulse Control, which only allows for more Anger.

In a Perfect World there should be a means for dealing with people who become aware that they have Stress related Anger. They should be able to seek some kind of Economic and Career Temporary Sanctuary where they can be shielded from additional Stresses while they learn how to deal with their Emotions and their Anger. Instead, people are left to flounder through as best as they can guess to, which usually puts them on a downward trajectory, towards chronic unemployment or even incarceration within the Justice System (an apparent Monster with an insatiable taste for Human Flesh, but great for Government Statistics, as those who are ‘Doin Time’ are not counted in the Unemployment Statistics. If it were, the American Unemployment Rate would be quadruple the reported numbers).

Anyway, if it is the case that you are independently wealthy, or have strong family support, then it would be wise to take some time off and get away. You would need to free yourself from all the usual Stressors – Career Stresses, School Stresses, Relationship and Family Stresses, even Social Media Stresses. Then you could focus on getting some Corrective Therapy. Yes, going to a professional Anger Management Therapist would be the preferred path. But even when I once went into Anger Management Therapy, the Therapist had no Magic Wandd. He loaded me down with the same Anger Management Books and Workbooks that anybody could buy online. If you confront your own Anger Issues with an almost religious determination to find and fix your problems, then you can do so, even without a therapist.

If you can’t get away from your Stresses, then you simply have to try to Learn on the Job – “Learn how to Fire a Gun by Shooting at the Indians”, so to speak. You would need to get the Therapy or get the Anger Management Books and TRY to get a handle on your Emotions, your Impulses, your Anger, and do all that while attempting to do more to Drop your Stress Levels than Life does to ratchet those levels up. You need to get out in front and get ahead of the Game. Yeah, its tough. But you don’t really have a choice, do you? You have to realize that other people have been able to do what you are about to do. There is hope. But you got to stay strong.

First, I have an important Tip for you. Yes, VERY Important, so please pay close attention and read this through as many times as it takes until you understand what I am trying to say. You will know you understand when you decide that this is something you really need to try. So let me explain. Stress, the kind that makes you Cuss and Swear and Lose your Temper with people, is caused by this neural secretion called Cortisol. It is secreted by a gland that is so deep in the brain that it runs beneath the Thinking Conscious Processes. Cortisol is triggered by the ‘animal’ part of the brain that may sense Threats and Dangers because of almost anything (and this process may be made more ‘touchy’ because of repeated stressors, social conflicts, job and relationship insecurities, etc). But the Deep Brain processes that turn on the Cortisol do eventually percolate up to the Conscious Thinking part of the brain, but it takes sometimes 3 or 4 seconds, and by that time SO MUCH Cortisol has been released that it may overpower the Conscious Mind’s Ability to shut it down. You see, Cortisol is an Excitatory Stimulant, and tends to re-direct Brain Activity away from the Conscious Higher Mental Functions and more toward the simpler Animal Reactions – Fight Flight or Freeze. This Problem of Cortisol has been a big conundrum for Psychology Therapists, BUT, there may be a way around that Conscious Mind Time Lag Problem. You see, you CAN KNOW that Cortisol is being secreted if you pick up on the Very First Physiological Signs that it manifests. It seems that because the Jaw Muscles are so close to the Brain Stem Area where the Cortisol is being secreted, almost in the very first instant that Cortisol is being released THE JAW MUSCLES WILL TIGHTEN UP. Understand this, that even before you are consciously aware of having any reason to be Angry or Emotional, your jaw muscles will tighten up… your teeth will clench… you will close your mouth in a determined way and begin breathing through your nose. Once you become Aware that this kind of Thing happens, you can learn to notice it the very first instant that it happens. AT THAT POINT YOU CAN STOP THE CORTICOL PROCESS SIMPLY BY DECIDING TO RELAX YOUR JAW MUSCLES. Easy, huh? Yes, but most of the Psychological Therapeutic Community is unaware of this seemingly magical little method, but it is VERY Effective. I suppose the Doctors who could most benefit by this insight are too proud to suppose they could have anything to learn from a Forum. Or it may be a problem where the people who make the most money are the ones who are the most lazy and complacent. You know, Successful People know all they need to know already, right? Every Profession, and yes, even with doctors, there are the Skilled and Dedicated Elite (usually at just around 20%) and then there are the rest of the Herd… those who tag along for the professional ride who just sort of show up for work and go through the motions. Oh, which is a reason for checking references if you do decide to go into Therapy. People will Talk Up good doctors while the lack luster Herd Animal Doctors won’t generate much enthusiasm.

Becoming aware instantly whenever your mouth tightens up and instantly relaxing that reflex will go a long way toward reducing your Stress Load. You see, Cortisol stays in the system and takes a while for the body to metabolize out. People who have repeated Cortisol releases throughout the day will be continuously ‘wired up’. If you learn to be on your guard in regards to that Cortisol Reflex of the Jaw Muscles, then maybe this will go a long way toward allowing you to calm down enough to again have a workable level of Conscious and Intelligent Impulse Control.

Next, let me tell you about what every Psychologist already knows, and that is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which is the primary methodology that Therapists would use in trying to help you get a handle on your Anger Problem. The basic Theory behind CBT is that we get Over Emotional and Angry because of either Bad Behavioral Habits or because of Bad Mental Habits. So we need to watch our Behaviors or watch the Thought Processes that govern our Behaviors for Negative and Counterproductive Habits – the stupid stuff that we do simply because we have always done it that way, or thought about it that way. A lot of the stupid stuff we do is what we learned from our Family or our Peers and Social Contacts, especially when we were very young… even in Day Care (for instance, in a Day Care where the Adults in charge won’t give any attention to the children unless they act out, cry or go into tantrums, will effectively by training these children in the worse possible Life Habits that will cripple then Socially and Economically for the rest of their lives, that is, until, they become aware of their dysfunctions and consciously deconstruct all those terrible behavioral habits). Oh, in your Post, how you supposed much of your problem may be been because you were bullied when you were young. Well, yes, but not so much because that makes you Angry, but because now you are trying to be a Bully yourself because that seemed to work so well for the other kids, right. They had a position of power over you, which you envied them for. This is why Schools and Communities need to discourage Bullying. Because if Bullying is allowed to Succeed, then the Message going out is that to succeed in Life you have to be a some Obnoxious Loud Mouth Angry Bully.

Anyway, you have to stop going through life like some unconscious Robot. Learn to observe and re-evaluate every move you make. I call it Review and Revise (though I got it from one of the Anger Management Books I read, but I forget which one). Review means to think about everything you Do or Say that seems to cause trouble for yourself. Be aware of the trap that THINKING THAT SOMETHING IS RIGHT DOES NOT Necessarily MAKE IT RIGHT. Thinking that stuff that creates problems for you is RIGHT is what makes it such a Big Problem, right? That is why you need to Review … take a fresh look and Re-think all this stuff that you have been assuming is ‘Right’ all your life but which keeps making trouble for you. If it keeps getting you into so much trouble, then how ‘right’ could it possibly be, right?

Now, think about REVISE. Once you Review a Thought or Behavior and determine that is one of your Bad Habits, well, it is not enough to say to yourself, “I won’t do that again”, although that is a great first step. You must think of something to Do or Think instead. You need to fill the Vacuum left by the thought or action that you wish to change. The Ability to Choose depends upon having Choices, right? For instance, a lot of people flip out whenever they get cut off in traffic. They typically react by cussing and even by beginning to get into a race. Wrong! You can decide to replace that Behavior with a new behavior of consciously supporting the other driver’s maneuver in an effort to make sure that everybody on the road remains safe, and in order to make sure you do not get angry, you can tell yourself “that was just like me that time when I was late for work, or was driving to the hospital, or had a tiny bit too much to drink, etc”. That is sort of like being Empathetic… that is, if you learn to Think the way the Other Guy is Thinking then that usually leads to being far less Angry in response.

Oh, in regards to the example you gave about being Angry with people who don’t get what you are saying, well, I have to admit that while I no longer get angry any more in that regards (I still have to be on my guard, because while I think I have patched up most of my ‘Triggers’ I am still aware that there may be some obscure ‘trigger’ lurking inside that I have yet to have dealt with), what I have noticed about myself is that I often make other people uncomfortable when I tend to repeat what I have already said. It is frustrating for them, because if I did not make myself clear to them the first time I said something, then why would saying something the same way twicebe of any help (“Hey, I heard you the first time!”) . So, that was where the habit of REVIEW came in handy. While it was not myself getting angry or emotional, I have developed to the point where I can pick up cues about how my actions may be making other people feel uncomfortable. So, now, when I recognize that situation with people, when they don’t seem to respond to a quick command or a brief explanation, I have been reconditioning myself to Re-phrase whatever it was that I had just communicated. Oh! And using a louder tone of voice, which if your way to show that something is REALLY IMPORTANT, may only serve to make you appear to mentally unstable to others. One of the First Things you need to realize about being Empathetic and seeing things the Way Other People See Things is that YOU YOURSELF ARE VERY IMPORTANT. People… even the best of People, and the People closest to you, have their own problems and therefore care more about themselves than about you. So that means that just because something may be extremely important to you, it is very likely that it would mean very little to anybody else. So you must be very careful whenever you have some Very Urgent Concern. You must express the idea that this Thing You are Communicating to them is very important to yourself, and that you would greatly appreciate it if they could be of assistance. You must keep your head though and be prepared to answer questions, unless, of course, somebody is drowning or choking. Above all, do not raise your voice and act bossy. This may take practice for you, if you seem to be Conditioned into being thoroughly obnoxious. If so, then just Rehearse and practice play acting through various scenarios ‘Act’ like you are better person until by constant repetition you BECOME that better Person. A lot of people resist being a ‘Phony’, but it is only at the beginning that you are a Phony. Being a Nice Person will become the New You.

Now for some Bad News. All this Thought and Behavior Modification will take a while. The Brain can change, through a process they are now calling Neural Plasticity. The Brain both generates completely new neurons that form new neural networks, but the Brain also takes Old Neural Networks are a no longer being utilized and converts them over to new Thought and Behavior patterns. But none of this happens overnight. Sometimes people think that their Anger Problem can be solved with just a Basic Attitude Change. Well, yes, a Basic Attitude Change is a Necessary Start, but it is just the Beginning. The Follow through will take months, even years. Think of it like picking up a New Musical Instrument or learning a New Language. My Life Long Hobby has been playing Music by ear, and there have been times when I have decided to pick up entirely different families of Instrument. It is almost like Starting Over except that I have the Confidence to realize that the Process of Learning with Practice is Certain and Dependable. If you Put in the Time and Practice you will begin to Sound Good. The First “that sounded pretty good” moments come at about six months. It is the same way with Learning to be a New Better You. You have to be willing to practice some hours a day, day in and day out, being a New Better You, until, finally you get that First Epiphany Feeling “Hey, I did that Pretty Good”.

What will your Practice consist of. Get the Books. First get all the books by Psychologists and Therapy Professionals (my favorite Author is Ronald Efron-Potter who is a Psychologist PHD), but after you have read all of them you can buy some of the silly New Age Books because critiquing them will help you to understand what your own thoughts are. Then you must think about situations and rehearse how you should be thinking and behaving. Always be stretching into the New You. Remember, the Old You is no longer good enough to satisfy your New Expectations.

Well, that is all I can think of now. Let me know if any of this seems as though it could be helpful for you.