My Wife Has Left Me

Hi Guys,

It's been two-and-a-half months since my last post on this subject. I'm still with my wife and the situation has deteriorated beyond recognition. On Saturday she drank some white spirits and was rushed to hospital. This was the seventh or eighth accident and emergency visit in 3 weeks, including a 5 day stay on the psychiatric ward. To exasperate the problems her father is still involved. He recently came to our place and showed her pornographic images on his computer and he tries to take pictures of her naked. My wife assaulted him and she was arrested. Today I phoned the father and started shouting at him because I loathe him so much but my wife kicked me out so I have come to the internet cafe to write this.

My own mentality is very damaged now. I feel guilty if I start to explore my own thoughts, believing I am a bad man for not attending soley to my wife's depression, alcoholism and Bulimia. But she is a tricky character, she loves playing games with people. She is so far from my own overcoming-alcoholism-with-Buddhism 10 years ago. Nowhere is my view entertained, at no time do my feelings or thoughts matter. I slep Thursday and Saturday nights in an uncomfortable plastic hospital chair next to my wife in the hospital bed. She wet the bed 3 times in a row. When the nurses came to change the sheets and help her get her hospital gown off without getting the drip get caught up, she just started swearing and pushing the nurses away. She is a real degenerative, a real low-life. These two nurse had probably been working for hours and hours and then they have to take abuse like that from this ungrateful piece of alcoholic trash. Anyway, I'm angry, and I'm stupid I never let her go last November when I had the chance. I've tried to rationalise the hell of the last 3 weeks in the form of a plan, or "statement of intent" as we used to call it at film school:

This is my plan. I have to find a better life. Dora is killing me. I overdosed last Saturday on syndol pills and nytol and my activities, mood, ambitions and creativity are all damaged and restricted because of Dora. I am deeply, deeply unhappy with Dora and I have just glossed over, brushed aside and dismissed so many, many issues over the last 3 years. Always it's her perspective that engulfs everything, my viewpoint has diminished until now it is a dim twindle.

I have to find my life, my soulgirl, my creative life, my paintings, my films. I want to move to London fields because I love the bike and artistic culture there and the relaxed, friendly, more open atmosphere.

I've smoked probably just 5 cigarettes over the last week and I've started taking strong Vitamin B supplements in the morning. I'm feeling much stronger and clear-headed. I will stay at Hammer Property for now because I am established there and the commission is good.

I hope to be in a happy, mature, relaxed, comfortable houseshare in London Fields in three months from now, by 11th July 2010. I will get Kill Mode and Biafra back on track and develop social links with John, Guy and Pranjal plus new film people. I will find new social contacts by placing adverts on gumtree/friendship sites. I will be more rigorous, decisive, objective, sociable, clear-headed and from this I hope a new optimism will arise.

Most importantly I need to find my soulgirl. Dora definitely isn't my soulgirl. I have to find a woman who doesn't lie to me every day, who doesn't conceal her intentions, who doesn't hide bottles of wine and cans of cider and secretly drink it in the bathroom. I need to find a woman who will understand me, who has a kind-nature, a soft demeanor, a good heart.

I'm 37, I've been trapped in this dismal, destructive marriage with this alcoholic, bulimic, selfish, poisonous witch for 3 years. I can't waste any more time. I'm stupid. I have to learn. I have to change. I will change. I've always told myself the two most important things to me are my soulgirl, who is my ideal picture of a straightforward, honest, loving partner and my film career. I have to find these treasures now.