Goodbye MJ

**Posts:** 5 · by **BetterMama** » Mon May 31, 2021 11:20 am

So yesterday was my last day smoking.

A little about myself. I am a 35 year old female. I’ve been smoking for almost 20 years now which is crazy to me! I only stopped when I was pregnant 2 years ago and then 5 years ago I stopped for a few months for a job. I was either 15 or 16 the first time I smoked. It was fun and different. One of the guys I was with the first time ended up becoming my boyfriend, so I kept smoking all through high school. It never seemed like a big deal back then. I always got good grades and never got in trouble. I didn’t smoke cigarettes which a lot of my friends did, so I figured a little weed was okay.

My frequency of smoking went up a lot when I went away to college (new friends and bf), but I still did really well in all my classes and stayed out of trouble. Ended up going to grad school, and now I have a pretty good job in the healthcare industry. I’ve been a homeowner for the last 4 years. My husband and I got married last year and we have a 1 year old daughter.

Despite accomplishing all of this, I’ve come to realize weed is holding me back in every aspect of my life. I have a lot of stressful things going on, and I definitely use weed as a coping mechanism. It’s been really bad this past year, and I’ve been smoking more than ever. I’m at a point where I’m just ready to stop. I’ve wasted so much time and money. Ugh I hate even thinking about it, but I do feel hopeful.

I found this board months ago and had been slowly reading through a super long thread about the benefits of quitting weed. It has inspired me a lot. I know I will experience many of those benefits too, and even though I know it’s going to be hard, I cannot wait! I want to keep track of the process, the struggles, and all the improvements in my life on here. I think it will really help me stay focused and remind me of how much better my life is now. Also maybe it will help someone else (I know hearing other people’s stories really helped me).

So as a reminder to myself for why I’m quitting, I am going to list all the negative things for me I can think of about smoking weed.

1. My health. Smoking anything cannot be good for you. I want to be around for as long as possible. Time just went so fast, and I can’t believe I’ve been doing this for so long. I’m terrified to get cancer so I can’t even believe I’m inhaling smoke every single day. I need to be around for my daughter.
2. Money. I hate thinking about all the money I’ve spent over the years on weed.
3. Time consuming. Takes away from time I could be sleeping, cleaning, reading, playing with my daughter, working out, etc). Plus I just sit there a lot bc I usually just smoke by myself. I swear it feels like I get glued to the chair almost. So much wasted time.
4. Memory not as good. I don’t want to forget life. I’ve already forgotten so much.
5. Definitely not as good as I could be at work. My work ability is affected by my shitty memory, but I think smoking also affects my ability to speak to people well with confidence. Something I really need to work on. Also I HATE getting up in the morning for work and weed prob makes that worse.
6. Makes me feel tired all the time. Not only does the weed make me tired that day, but the next morning also
7. Hungry all the time. Bottomless pit. Used to think it made food better. I don’t think so anymore. Things taste amazing, but I never feel satisfied. Definitely makes it harder to eat healthy.
8. More antisocial. It used to be that smoking was a social thing I would do while hanging out with friends. Now that I’m older I really don’t see my friends all that often, so I’m usually smoking by myself at home. I don’t even really smoke with my husband much anymore. Be
9. I hate the way I look when I’m high. Also I always look super tired for the first few hours after I wake up, prob bc I like to smoke right before bed.
10. Makes the house smell and have to worry about people coming over. Also as my daughter gets older, I don’t want her to smell it.
11. Less productive. Even though I always tell myself it’s going to make me more productive, I really don’t think that’s true anymore.
12. Ashes get all over and it’s just another thing I have to worry about cleaning.
13. Have to worry about drug tests (always makes me nervous using something like Quick Fix
14. Have to keep it a secret from people at work.
15. When I drink, weed always pushes me over the edge. The combination kills me, and I’ve gotten sick countless times.

I’m sure there are a ton of other things I’m just not thinking about right now. I definitely plan to update this on my progress and all the benefits I will hopefully experience. It will help me stay motivated and on track. I’m feeling pretty optimistic, but I’m also realistic and know this is probably will suck for a little while, at least in the beginning! My daughter is my main motivator though and this is the first time I’ve ever “willingly” quit. I’m confident and know I can do it for her.

**Posts:** 75 · by **Brokethehabit** » Wed Jun 02, 2021 5:24 am

@BetterMama
I think you're making the right decision about quitting weed especially with all the reasons listed. As an ex-stoner I cannot but totally identify with all of them.
The two decades of smoking - same here - will most certainly take its toll on you but you're in the lucky position of not having to quit due to panic attacks and other nasty issues caused by THC overdose.
May PAWS have mercy on you!

**Posts:** 5 · by **BetterMama** » Thu Jun 03, 2021 1:59 am

Brokethehabit wrote:@BetterMama
I think you're making the right decision about quitting weed especially with all the reasons listed. As an ex-stoner I cannot but totally identify with all of them.
The two decades of smoking - same here - will most certainly take its toll on you but you're in the lucky position of not having to quit due to panic attacks and other nasty issues caused by THC overdose.
May PAWS have mercy on you!

Thank you for the reply! Very nervous about PAWS, but I didn’t experience it last time I quit , so I’m hopeful this time will be the same!

——————————————————————

On day 3 and doing okay. First night I had a rough time sleeping, but last night I slept good. I’ve been seeing a doctor for depression and anxiety since August 2020. I told her about smoking weed and she warned me how it can affect depression and lead to amotivational syndrome. She encouraged me to quit and prescribed me something to help with sleep. Well I had no plans of quitting at that time and never took the sleeping meds, but did start on my first day quitting just as a temporary thing. I do not function well when tired and need my sleep!

My hardest time is after I put my daughter to bed. That is when I can finally take a break and relax for the first time all day. Smoking was my “reward” so it’s definitely been difficult not having that to look forward too.

**Posts:** 2 · by **fatnfunk** » Sun Jun 06, 2021 7:08 pm

@BetterMama. Your story has inspired me to finally create an account here after months or even years of only reading all insightful posts partly because English is not my first language. I think this decision is the best you can do for yourself, your daughter and your family in the long run. While you may have a sense of all those lost years, you surely saw stories of people here using MJ chronically over longer periods of time that gave it up for good. I am 43 years old and had used weed regularly (from daily to few times a week) for 25 years with three last years using only vaporizer for health concerns/paranoia. I followed doctor's orders to quick over 6 months when I tested positive for Covid-19 and my pulmonologist strongly urged me to give it up for good to allow a recovery from the damage done by the virus.It took me 6 months to get my lungs in shape using corticosteroids so all I am trying to say is that you are still young and your body has amazing capabilities to do all the repairs needed to fully recover so do not worry about the cancer and try to get rid of the negative thoughts concerning your health. The best decision is already made. "When you're in a hole, stop digging" as some traders/investors say and this saying applies here too : you have just stopped doing more damage to yourself which is really great. When I was 35, I visited this forum to find encouragement to drop weed but I was not ready at that time so think about it in terms of how much time you are going to save rather than what you have already wasted. Also your daughter is very young, mine is already 11 years old and I am still feeling embarrassed when she asks me why she no longer sees me outside the house with my vaporizer - you will hopefully avoid it because your child would not be able to recall when you smoked at home.

Also while PAWS are real, I have most of the time managed to stay on the top of them by following a healthy routine (healthy eating, going to sleep early and having at least 7 hours of regular sleep and exercising daily or every second day - per my doctor's recommendations I decided to take up something completely new for me called nordic walking in the forest which has kept me energized and sane in pandemic months and immensely improved my lungs recovery). Right now I can feel that my mind clarity has been pretty much restored, I do not get irritated so easily and I have managed to re-discover old and neglected habits like for example daily book reading. After six months I am ready to face new challenges like taking up coding – something I have delayed for years due to my addiction. I am sure you can do this too and follow your own true passions. Don’t worry about the negative consequences, be proud of yourself as you are facing this challenge. Make sure to make regular little treats just for yourself with saved money (or part of it as you will be saving a lot of it), think of old great things you loved doing which you stopped at some point, follow your own routine and I am sure things will get better with time. Best of luck and keep us posted with your journey :mrgreen:

**Posts:** 3015 · by **tokeless** » Sun Jun 06, 2021 7:44 pm

My hardest time is after I put my daughter to bed. That is when I can finally take a break and relax for the first time all day. Smoking was my “reward” so it’s definitely been difficult not having that to look forward too.

This was one of the seeds planted in my mind when I smoked because it became my priority and I didn't like that. Over time I think this made me stop but the actual time when I did it, I hadn't decided or planned it, it just happened. I think that made it easier because I just knew I was done. I had no interest in it, didn't crave or miss it. Strange but true. Very little withdrawal but definitely no PAWS. Think of your new reward is being more available to your child, more in touch with yourself. You and anyone can stop if you want your new you more than the old one. We choose to smoke weed, so we can choose not too.

**Posts:** 5 · by **BetterMama** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 2:05 am

Fatnfunk - Thank you so much for your reply. It definitely helped to ease some of my anxiety and reassured me I’m doing the right thing.

Tokeless - I’ve definitely made weed a priority. Once I started realizing that, I knew I needed to quit

Anyway here is an UPDATE. I made it 19 days without smoking. I was feeling great and so proud of myself. Day 20 I decided to smoke a joint with my husband. He cannot drink anymore, so smoking was something we liked to do together which I missed. It was actually fun, and I laughed a lot. It felt like being in HS again. I decided I would just smoke 1x/week with my husband. Then it turned into weekends only. Before I knew it I was smoking daily again.

I decided I was going to quit again after our anniversary on 8/29. Then a few days ago I had a phone meeting with my insurance guy and signed up for life insurance. I didn’t even think about weed and thought the whole process would take longer, but they want to take my blood and urine next week! So instead of 8/29, I officially quit again today. I’m going to see if I can put off my lab tests for a month. Frustrating because if I would have never started again, I would be at day 76 and wouldn’t have to worry about any of this. Feeling positive and motivated right now. I will try to use this as a learning experience. I recent read a book about addiction and re-wiring your brain which I think is going to be helpful.

**Posts:** 5 · by **BetterMama** » Thu Aug 19, 2021 2:13 am

So after quitting this past Sunday, I ended up smoking again on Monday. My husband bought an oz the day I quit, and it was some of the best we’ve gotten in a long time. It was hard, but I was able to stay strong Sunday. Then on Monday I found out I could reschedule my drug test for 9/18 so I ended up smoking “one last time”. Well it was actually a few times. But luckily I was able to quit again yesterday. Day 2 today. I know I’ll get through at least 30 days bc I don’t want to fail my test. It’s going to be harder after that I think, but maybe not if I am seeing a lot of benefits. I’m actually hoping I’m pregnant by then which will give me some extra motivation to continue not smoking for at least another 9 months.

**Posts:** 2 · by **fatnfunk** » Tue Aug 24, 2021 12:08 pm

@BetterMama From my experience it gets easier with time - once you are few months into being weed free, you do not want to waste this effort as you hopefully begin feeling better. I suggest eliminating any triggers that cause you to light up (including getting rid of anything weed-related from your home), encourage your husband to join you on your way to weed-free live, install I Am Sober app on your phone and follow it, think of any fun activities (sport?) you enjoy which would help you replace the old habit and lastly speak to your doctor. As others on the forum I strongly believe that after so many years of regular use, you need to eliminate MJ for good from your life. We have abused it for too long. But I promise it's worth it. I am almost 9 months weed free and so happy to have re-claimed my life back - I am sure who you can do it too when you fully commit to it.

Goodbye MJ

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