My girlfriend thinks I think she's fat and it's my fault.

**Posts:** 2 · by **PoopJohnson** » Mon May 14, 2012 8:36 pm

Every once in a while, I accidentally make my girlfriend of 5 months think she's fat by trying to encourage her to work out and stuff. Here's the problem: I don't believe any girl should feel self conscious about their body, but I am a selfish and stupid man. I don't think my girlfriend is fat (she's about 5'3" and about 145-150 lb. which, yes, is overweight on the BMI scale, but we all know that scale is inaccurate and she also has a muscularish build). I think she's absolutely the most beautiful girl in the world. I do however, think she'd be even prettier if she lost a little weight. The problem is, I'm her boyfriend so for me to tell her that could devastate her (she is quite sensitive and she does feel a bit self conscious about her weight and she's told me that before, but she's also always said she's not going to "try" to lose weight, but if it happens, it happens and she'll be happy). I don't have a perfect body either. I'm far too skinny (aesthetically) at 6'4" 163 lb. So I have no right.
So whenever I upset her this way, I try to convince her she's not fat and also most of the time, she just stops talking to me for a bit (I hate it because I really like her and I want to talk to her and I get lonely when she doesn't talk to me because she's upset. It would kill me to lose her). Today, I upset her, and I thought to myself, if I was just perfectly honest, maybe we'd stop getting in these awkward arguments where she thinks I think she's fat and I try to convince her I don't because she'd know exactly how I feel about her weight. I'm just worried that this would cause her to leave me or worse totally destroy her emotionally. I don't like fighting with her about her weight. I'd appreciate it if she lost weight. If she didn't lose weight, I wouldn't think she wasn't pretty or leave her or be upset. I just think that if she started watching what she ate and exercising more regularly, she'd be prettier, happier, more energetic, she'd live longer, and she'd have an easier time when her metabolism really slows down (she's 18 and I'm sure her metabolism is gonna suck in a few years). So I want her to do it, but I don't know how. Normally, maybe a family member or close friend would tell her, but it hasn't happened yet, and I doubt it will. So what should I do?
And I do realize that a great deal of all of this is a problem with me. I shouldn't care what she weights. She's an amazing person. But sometimes I feel self conscious about how close our weights are because I mean just look at our height difference. I mean she'll probably weight more than me when she's pregnant at this rate. I'm trying to hold up my end of the deal by gaining weight, but it's not easy and I'm not making great progress. My goal weight is 180, but I'm either not making any progress or I'm moving at a snail's pace.
I've tried to get her to work out with me, and sometimes we go to the gym together, but the thing is, I'm trying to gain so it gets in the way. Also, I can't MAKE her go and sometimes she just doesn't want to. Lastly, we're in college, but we're currently 300 miles away from each other so we can't go to the gym together. And I've told her the health thing before, but she just won't buy it because doctors have told her she's not overweight (and they're right). The thing is, she sometimes exercises, but not very often. She also does eat quite a bit, I think.
I also have no way to relate to her feelings since I've never had an issue with excess weight. I don't know what it feels like to be called fat seriously. She told me she was really fat as a child. She also said her mom called her fat (an alcoholic who cause all sorts of emotional scarring and is no longer in her life). She's definitely really sensitive on the issue and I have no way of knowing how it feels (although I've felt self conscious of other things before).

**Posts:** 1 · by **funky_chick** » Tue May 15, 2012 8:19 am

When i was 18, i was very conscious of my weight and most women are thanks to advertising in magazine, on billboards, on tv etc. You have to be happy with who you are and although beauty is on the inside, it isn't healthy to be overweight as it puts stress on your body and then you end up with weight-related problems. Accept your gf for who she is and in time, she will see for herself that being overweight will affect her health. As time goes by and you live in the same area, you could walk together and talk about your day and that way she will not even notice that you are exercising. And don't go near fast food outlets like McDonald and choose more healthy places to eat like HealthHabits. Good Luck!!
ps...don't ever talk about weight to a woman, we are self-conscious as it is...

**Posts:** 11 · by **Common Sense** » Sun May 20, 2012 8:00 pm

If you say your girlfriend is beautiful as she is then you shouldn't feel she needs to change by putting her down. You either find her unattractive in some ways, want her to look better, or she requesting help on losing weight.
I think you should let her be her. When she realizes she wants t lose weight, if that's necessary, then she should lose weight, but on her own decision.

Don't pressure her to do it, because you can make her feel insecure and she can think of anything from there. Like you hate her, she's ugly, etc.

So for now be supportive, but if she ever confronts you and ask for help on losing weight then workout with her. Get her to eat healthy. Get a personal trainer.

**Posts:** 42 · by **kiwi_dan** » Tue May 22, 2012 10:35 pm

Yea, its her life and you really cant tell her what to do, or what you want her to look like for your benifit.
Let her be.

**Posts:** 18 · by **Amore** » Thu Jun 07, 2012 10:09 am

I heard that exact same thing from my ex boyfriend.... "you're hot but if you lost weight you would be hotter" well, guess what? I ended up putting on weight. If effects you in a different way, at least it did with me.

Love a person for who they are, not their size but health is very important. Encourage her to do some form of cardio at least 3x a week for heart benefits.

I'm 5'3 and very much overweight at the moment. But because I am very toned, I look pretty good at 135-145. At age 18 I was 115 but I was a fanatic about exercise!

Does she exercise at all? Do you exercise?

**Posts:** 54 · by **wheredoibeginwith** » Sat Jun 23, 2012 2:28 pm

You sound really confused.

Let me point out what I understood and correct me if I'm wrong:

1) The doctor said she's in perfect shape
2) You like her, but you would find her more attractive if she lost weight
3) She's had issues with her weight before, but now she's healthy
4) You want her to exercise
5) You think that by exercising people lose weight

Here is what I think:

1) The doctor is a pro. The pro told her she's just fine. So I don't see why you should make her feel like sh** telling her she has a health issue because of body fat. She isn't fat. She will not be facing issues because of her weight if she keeps being like she is. So stop with this "she's not healthy"-thing, because you aren't in the position to contradict the doctor.

2) You could simply tell her that you like her, but you would find her hotter if she lost some pounds. Don't you EVER tell her "lose some weight" or, even worse, "lose some weight if you love me". After you've told her, it's up to her to decide whether she wants to change for you or if she is perfectly happy with her body. Always remember that one has to be comfortable in their skin and you have to please yourself before pleasing others.

3) So leave her be. Mention that you'd love her to be a little thinner, but don't be obsessive. Tell her only once and then stop ranting. She might end up facing anorexia or bulimia, which I hope you don't want.

4) Since she's perfectly in shape, it's up to her to decide. Healthy eating is enough. If she enjoys exercising it's fine. If she sees it as a burden and you keep urging her to exercise, she might think that you are a burden and eventually leave you.

5) That's not always true. If you are really fat, you lose weight by exercising. If you are already in shape and you start exercising, you replace fat with muscles. Muscles weight more than fat, so you end up weighting more then you did. So, if you go to the gym and exercise properly, since you're very thin, you would grow some muscles and weight more.

**Posts:** 1 · by **smaynard13** » Thu Jun 28, 2012 6:27 pm

I am a little over 5 feet and weigh about the same as your gf, maybe a little less. (127-130). This makes me curvy in my shape. My bf is a personal trainer and extremely in shape. He has dated all kinds of women, big and small; however I am the first woman he has ever fallen in love with and dated long term. We've been together A WHILE and about 2 months ago, he was just scanning me over in the bathroom and he told me I needed to "tighten up". It shocked me a little at first, but honestly, I know he meant it with good intentions. Secretly it kind of turned me on too. I love a little male dominance from time to time! So since that day, I started doubling up at the gym and have been steadily losing weight. I figure if he keeps his body great for me, I can do the same for him. I love my bf and I love his body. He loves me and loves mine. Sometimes tough love is the best love tho. I appreciate him looking out for me. Catching small problems before they become big ones. You can say those kinds of things when you both really truly are on the same page. No time for sensitivity when you're trying to make a relationship a "forever thing".

My girlfriend thinks I think she's fat and it's my fault.

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