Dealing with Limerence for someone else

**Posts:** 16 · by **tjsmith141** » Thu Jan 04, 2018 8:31 am

Hi,

Recently I've fallen head over heals in a crush for someone who I see on a regular basis at my local gym and pool. He's a guy and I'm a guy, and I am pretty sure he is straight. I've spoken to him and he seems fairly normal, but I've not been able to stop my thoughts getting to the point of obsession. Thoughts such as "Wonder what he does at the weekend?", "What's he upto right now?", "Is what he is doing right now better than what I am doing right now?".

As well, rather embarrassingly, when I first saw him, I picked him out the crowd, because he had a similar pair of running shoes to mine, a pair that I liked the style of, and that seemed to start the whole liking him thing off. I'm now obsessed with his feet. He looks lovely too, but I always come back to his feet. Are they as nice as mine, what socks does he wear, how long has he had his shoes, does he sweat and smell as much as I do when I've been running. I've no ideas why I need answers to these, it feels like it would bring me closure, but obviously, I'm not going to go and ask him, I want to be friends with this guy after all.

When I look at it without "overthinking", I can see him as normal as the next guy. He probably has boring and exciting weekends, he has times where he is alone and times where he is around mates, times where he is in the gym and times where he is chilling at home. And, he probably just picked those shoes because they were on a sales at the store, his socks and just cheap socks that were next to the shoes. And of course, he has body odour, sweats, showers like and as much as anyone else? Right? I'm right in thinking this aren't I? He is as normal as the next guy and the next guy and the next...???

Finally, I wonder if this whole thing is me having low self esteem? I do tend to value myself less than my peers, and have quite negative self-talk? Maybe if my self esteem went up, I'd put less of an emotional dependency on this guy I see? That he makes me happy when I see him (rarely), and then sad 99% of the time.

What do people think?

Thanks in advance.

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Thu Jan 04, 2018 5:37 pm

tjsmith141 wrote:He is as normal as the next guy and the next guy and the next...???

Are you normal? Are you as normal as the next guy?

It sounds like you think you are different. Well, this guy, as is any other person, is as abnormal as you.

Finally, I wonder if this whole thing is me having low self esteem? I do tend to value myself less than my peers, and have quite negative self-talk? Maybe if my self esteem went up, I'd put less of an emotional dependency on this guy I see? That he makes me happy when I see him (rarely), and then sad 99% of the time.

You need to have some other things going on in your life. This dependency, this overthinking, go only occur when a person has too much free time on their hands. Find some real relationships in life where you can focus your time and energy verses fantasy relationships.

**Posts:** 16 · by **tjsmith141** » Tue Jan 16, 2018 5:48 pm

Hi,

I've spent time doing what you've suggested. Just seeing my true close mates, planning some trips later this year and next, new sports, more gym/swimming. And I'm having much better days for it.

My one worry, that I need to address right now, is that since the time I saw him and got chatting over a month ago, I've not seen him in the gym. He used to have a similar routine to me, same evenings and usually around the same time. Obviously everyone takes holidays and at this time of year extends xmas hols possibly, but I'm just left wondering that even if it was a very friendly conversation with laughing and chatting, whether I scared him off? Or whether its just coincidence?

Dealing with Limerence for someone else

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