Figuring out Feelings

Hi Kevin_T,

Welcome to the Forum.

I think just about everybody has some feeling that bothers them here and there, occasionaly, but don't know what it is.

I think that they way that we communicate best with our inner self is the same way that we'd get to know another person - it starts with building rapport, by acknowledgment (sometimes people just try to ignore the bits of themselves they don't like), and listening with respect.

You might start by sitting somewhere quiet, and with your eyes shut just asking the part of you that feels that anger to respond, and ask what it wants for you, what it's purpose is, and notice the respose you get.

A book I really rate is 'Your Inner Coach' by Ian McDermott and Wendy Jago, a very practical book on getting in touch with yourself and improving your life.

Best wishes

Hey Kevin_T,

I'd like to suggest maybe considering influences from your past? I have found through personal experience, by attempting to understand my past, I have a clearer understanding of my present.

Maybe you could try to recall events in your life that had been troubling to you as a child, or in adolescence. Such past experiences as bullying (if you can, attempt to recall any specifics about the bullying, things such as comments about weight, socio-economic standing, etc.). Also, look for possible loss of close relatives or friends; anything traumatic or forthcoming.

Although there are a great many occurences in your past that may be influencial, it would be best to consider the most outstanding and vivid experiences. I have found that personally, understanding how such events shaped my being, allows me to guess at possible reasons for defense mechanisms etc. that attempt to block out feelings, emotions seemingly "from nowhere."

Take for example, in early grade school, many of my female peers enjoyed making fun of me for playing video games. I find now, as an adolescent-becoming-adult, close relationships with women are quite difficult for me to give into. Due to past experience, I have developed a mechanism disabling me from getting, "involved," with women on grounds I fear being made fun of.

Just my two cents,
K.G.

Sometimes there is just too much self-analysis and retrofitting of facts ("I feel this way because THIS happened to me") and you get caught up in that web when it may not be the root cause. If you are feeling angry angst ridden and you don't know why, write down in a log when these things happen. It could be an internal problem, but it could be environmental... does it happen after you've had caffiene? sugar? vitamins? medication? Does it happen after you've done a specific activity, or when you're around someone else?

All I'm saying is that it COULD be related to a previous experience, or it could be something right under your nose. Keep a log, look for patterns, if you're still at a loss... try an anger management selfhelp group, or go and see your GP about it.

Thanks for the responses everyone! I had some time off to go down to the lake and think about things. I found it really helpful to bring a notebook and just write down everything that came to mind. I'd try to make connections as to when I'd experience the feelings I was trying to figure out.

I came up with a few ideas. My main concern is a bit more complicated, but I have another example of a feeling that came out of nowhere. I realized it was a feeling related to new girls in my life. When I don't know a girl very well I get all paranoid and shy around her, I don't consider myself a shy person so I really wasn't understanding that. Well I did trace this all the way back to childhood, kind of an event I was burying. To put it simple, I was a kid and it was the first girl I really liked. I thought she liked me too since she was so nice and this went on for awhile. Then one day she wrote me a note that said I had been annoying all along and she never liked me. That really bothered me so I could see why I have a fear now when I don't know a girl that well, a fear that something like that might happen again.

I find it interesting that some childhood events mean so much now without even realizing it. It feels better to look back and understand what happened and how that effects me now as opposed to burying the feelings. I can't change the past, but I can at least understand why some times happen the way they do and learn from it.

To anyone trying to figure out something as I am, I'd really recommend finding some place that relaxes you and just start writing down everything that comes to mind. For me it was the sunset over the lake in the woods, then the cool night afterwards. I came back the next day and looked back at what I wrote, then added to it, just asking questions and brainstorming anything I can possibly think of.

Again my main concern is more complicated, but at least I'm starting to understand what's going on now and not having feelings coming out of nowhere... thanks!

Hi Kevin_T,

Nice to hear from you again.

It seems like your time off to go down to the lake was a valuable experience.

As you say you can't change the past, but you can change your perspective on it, and start to get new understandings that allow you to put past events into the past, where they belong and move on into the future.

From that early childhood memory your brain has made an association of being around girls as a not ok experience.

That first girl that you really liked was really nice to you for a while, until she wrote the note. We can only guess why she acted like that, but perhaps she felt for you too, but didn't know how to deal with her feelings, so found it easier to end the friendship. Perhaps she now regrets doing that and is finding herself repeating that pattern.

Hey Kevin-
I'm 22 also, and after four years of heavy drug use, I finally sought couseling and recovery, and oddly enough, those "little pricks of emmotion" inside were a huge topic of recovery. I think through growing up, especially early childhood, the majority of us, not everyone, are taught to "suck it up," "be okay." Even growing up in a pretty healthy enviornment, we learn a certain amount of denial because "our lives aren't that bad," look at those other kids. The abused. . . The homeless. . . The starving. . .Point being, we shouldn't feel bad. Which is true. Odds are, no matter what we grow up with, someone had it so much worse, and we shouldn't pity ourselves. But I think somewhere near this age, if you were taught to not feel sorry for yourself, somewhere in childhood, that transposed itself into "don't feel bad. Period." Those pricks, those moments of sadness or anger or hurt, those moments of surprising emotion, even for a second, are real. They're somehere inside of you, and they didn't just come from nowhere. The majority of people will go through life without ever facing those quick moments, quick feelings. And the fact is that life is busy, you're only going to get busier. But if you will trully take that journey inside yourself, open those doors that are clearly almost completely shut (why else would an emmotion inside of you come and go so quickly?) you'll be a better person for it. It's not quick, and it's not easy, but it's also not a thing that's going to completely throw your world upside-down. It's simply working on a different way of viewing the world, searching through your emmotions that are really there, even if you don't know for sure that they are, and through the process, dealing with life on a steadier foot.
Take Care, Try it out, and don't get freaked out when everything inside of you says no because you're sending a change to your emmotional and mental way of dealing with things-

Hi,
I'm new here. I'll read everything in time and do my best to understand everyone here I come across and hopefully the opposite. Please help me do my job by providing as much information as you feel comfortable providing, but perhaps just a baby step out of your comfort zone. The more information the better! I'm learning, too. I have a tendency to get things very candidly out onto the table. The process is really scary for some and might not be ready to get into it here. My email address is provided in case you feel more comfortable discussing certain things privately.
Kevin,
I have to apologize first because I actually spaced out on your concerns while I was busy with my above introduction. Kind of selfish of me! I believe it has to do with knowing deep down that there is something not quite right. Difficulty reaching the better places inside yourself. A good starting point might be to get out some of your items from your childhood. Writings, drawings, a diary perhaps, some photos. If you have no link to these relics, ask a family member to talk with you about some humorous things you did. Appreciate how darn cute you were in your thinking, because this was the starting point for your thinking today. Let me know what effect it had on you, and we could take the next step together. This can be for anyone who would like to go on a fun journey! I'd love to be invited..
Melissa

Welcome to the forums Melissa!

Hi,
I suffered terribly from extremes of what you've described for a long time.
I had stress related breathing difficulties at the age of 10 for reasons of fear that i was too young to understand and others were unable to make sense of.
I found working with the Ego States (as i've been taught to understand them) helps tremendously.
"Not okay" Inner Child, "Okay" Inner Child, "Not okay" Inner Parent, "Okay" Inner parent.... and Adult Me (where conscience resides).
Put simply, each of the Ego States are automatic behavioural patterns born from experience in their development. They are not 'personalities', simply automatons that react because they simply do not know "not" to.
Understanding your own learned behaviours and their Cycles helps to uncover those mysteries feelings of uneasiness that sneak up on us and (at times) result in us acting in a manner that makes little rational sense to us or others.

Hello,
Could these little messages be "triggers" you are feeling at times? Triggering situations that remind us of past pain and hurt?
Just my opinion.
Love,
Hope