My husbands temper out of control...

**Posts:** 2 · by **needhelp** » Fri Mar 11, 2005 4:55 pm

I am 21 years old I am married and have a 19 month old baby girl. I have always known that my husband had a temper, but it was never really bad he would raise his voive sometimes and get hateful but that was it. Well in the past 6-7 months things have spun way out of control. It seems like everything that I say or do triggers something inside of him and he loses all control. There is no middle ground with him anymore, he goes from fine to being very violent. He will throw things, curse me, and get physical with me. I am scared at the thought of saying anything to him anymore because I don't know what is going to make him lose it anymore. It is bad enough for him to do these things to me, but now he is where he doesn't care to do/say these things in front of our daughter. Even though he has put me through so much, I don't have the heart to leave, I feel like there is something that I need to be doing. I have changed so much for him over the few years that we have been married that I don't think there is anything else that I can change. I do everything for him, I clean the house, take care of our daughter, fix dinner, etc...He doesn't have to lift a finger when he comes home from work, What else can I do? I am scared of him now, and I don't like that feeling. I want to feel safe/secure with him, he is the man that I gave my heart to why does he want to hurt me? I don't want my daughter to grow up around this but I don't have the heart to leave, what should I do? Will I ever get over feeling like I need to do more or try harder? He has told me that the only reason he takes his anger out on me is because he knows that I am the only person who will take it and then forgive him and that hurts so bad to think that he has a mindset like that. I love him with every single fiber in me but I don't know how much more I can put up with. Where do I draw the line? Does he really love me and care for me or are they just words? Should I give up or try harder? What do I do?

**Posts:** 2579 · by **kazbat** » Sun Mar 13, 2005 2:05 am

hi needhelp

welcome to the forum, i am sorry to hear you having such a tough time right now.

you ask: when to draw the line, perhaps now is the time to, if not for yourself, then for your daughter. Your husband has taken his anger to a different level, and he feels this behavior is acceptable because you forgive and forget, let me tell you, his behavior is totally unacceptable, cruel, abusive and illegal.

your husbands behavior will probably will not go away unless he gets professional help, as he is suffering from some form of psychiatric illness, but untill that time you and your baby are in real danger of being seriously hurt.

My advice to you, as hard as it may sound, would be to get away from this brute as soon as possible. He is not the man you married and gave your heart to, he is a sick man who needs help to overcome his abusive behavior, and nothing you can do will make him understand this, he will blame you for everything and anything to justify his abusive treatment of you.

Please seek help. for the sake of yourself and your daughter

You can phone the national domestic violence helpline, you will find their number here, http://www.refuge.org.uk/
they will offer you guidance and very good advice, please listen to them

kazbat

**Posts:** 2 · by **needhelp** » Mon Mar 14, 2005 5:01 pm

kazbat, thank you for the words of advice. I have told myself many times that the only thing for me to do is leave. Logically, I know that the only thing for me to do is to leave, but I can't seem to get my heart to feel the same way. When I was younger I watched my mother go through this same thing, only worse, and I always told myself that I would never let myself be put in a position to be treated that way. I was always so sure that if I ever married a man who treated me that way I would leave in a heartbeat, but now tah tI am in that same situation I can't seem to do it. If it were just me I could put up with it, but when it comes to my daughter that is a completley different story. I do not want her growing up thinking that she is supposed to be treated this way when she is married. I don't want her to hate me for leaveing her in a home like this. But then on the other hand, I don't want her hating me because I took her away from her Daddy. It is just really hard for me leave, because I keep hoping for and convincing myself that he's going to change. I asked him if he would go to some Anger Management classes or go talk to a therapist and he said he would, but not before saying that if I would stop what I was doing that he would never have to lose his temper. To me, that just didn't seem like the right attitude to be going into it with. I don't know what it's going to take to get me to open up my eyes and do the inevitable.

**Posts:** 4 · by **peaceful_mind?** » Mon Mar 14, 2005 5:22 pm

I can understand your situation, it must be very difficult for you being torn between doing the right thing by yourself (to leave) and helping him (by staying) but by you staying you are not helping him, yourself or your daughter. I know it sounds harsh, but it's true. Anger is addictive and when people get caught in situations where they can take their anger out on someone and get away with it, they will do it time and time again, he won't appreciate you in the long run. Its a power fix/struggle. I really feel for you. In essence it shouldn't be you who leaves, that is your family home and to uproot yourself and your daughter would be far more drastic than for him to leave for a while. In honesty you both need some time apart to reflect on what has been happening. He needs to realise what he has been putting his family through. I don't know what your relationship is like but communication is key to your survival. You must try and explain to him that you can't take much more and if he carries on he will lose you and his daughter. I know that is far from what you want, but if you can agree to a separation period even if it a couple of nights, he will have time to think and realise how stupid and stubborn he is being, all the things you do will become apparent and he will miss you like crazy, even if it is you and your girl that have to stay elsewhere. Then by having time to think ask him what he really wants, does he want to spend the rest of his life regretting and feeling bad. I know no-one who feels good for letting anger get the better of them and that is all it is. It's a state of mind. Just try communicating how badly it is affecting you and your girls life, and it can't go on. I hope this helps a little bit, keep us posted. x x x

**Posts:** 2579 · by **kazbat** » Sat Mar 19, 2005 4:03 am

hi needhelp

I must apologise for the time it has taken me to reply to you. I am so glad that something I said to you made sense. I know how hard it is to make decisions, for yourself let alone your daughter during your present situation.
Please be assured, if you have felt in such a helpless situation to reach out and seek help, albeit a virtual reality helpline, you have needed to seek help.

I have just spent an evening in the company of my son and future daughter in law. An evening of great emotional enlightenment.

I " took" my children away from their daddy when they were 2 years old and 6 years old respectively

Tonight I had the reassurance from my 21 year old and my 16 year old that I did the right thing. That was a huge relief, but something I had always known deep down in my heart

You are doing nothing wrong. You are doing nothing to aggaravate the situation, but, he WILL convince you otherwise

The ONLY reason you are being abused, is because you remain in the abusive situation

I hate to be so harsh, but there is no other way to explain it to you.
please contact the link I gave you in the last post

Get out, and get out now

kazbat

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