My girlfriend left me during an episode.

About a month ago several things happened that lead to my girlfriend into having an episode. I have only dated her for 5 months and depression has come up in conversation but not too indepth. She said that sometimes she withdraws and shuts people out, that she would
sometimes need her space. Depression runs in my family too and I suffer from symptoms but never bad enough for me to seek help just yet.

She lives in Orange County and I live in San Francisco. Ever other weekend or a holiday weekend I would drive down to see her. I was planning on moving to LA to start school and make a career change into business with the mindset of starting my own business. I wanted to be closer to her as well and I would have never made this choice without her support. Around this time She came up to San Francisco for my birthday and
surprised me by bringing my two best friends with her. She said it was because she wanted me to feel loved since I spent most of my life
friendless.

On the way back she spent the night at one of my friends place because it was a lot close than her place and she had driven through the night. When They told me what that she stayed there the next day I was fine with it at first, but ended up getting jealous after she spent the rest
of the next day there. MI got angry but we talked ind you at this point both of us were feeling stressed out and kind of slipping into a rut. on the phone until I calmed down because I didn't want to go bed with things bad.I knew nothing had happened between the two of them but
I was just feeling moody.

The next day, tuesday, she started a new job and had a blast. The day after that She lost her job because she had school that day and couldn't make it. Despite telling them that she couldn't work certain days when she got hired and clearing it with her shift manager, the owner still fired
her and on the way back from being fired she got into a minor accident that we are all sure was an insurance scam played by the other driver.

That day I was starting to feel really down too. Between planning the move and our first "fight" I was feeling really anxious and nervous. When we talked that night I said that I was scared about all of it and that I was also scared of losing her. She Said to me that I didn't have to worry about losing her because she was with me because she wanted to be with me and only me. That she loved me and would do what it took to keep out relationship strong and I didn't' have to worry.

They day after, Thursday, she lost her phone for most the day. I didn't hear from her until that night when she had to use her mom's phone to contact me. On friday I didn't hear from her most of the day and I expressed that I was feeling ignored because I was hearing from her
less and less when I needed the attention more and more. She said that she was sleeping a lot for some reason. The next day she said that
was going on a bike ride and I didn't hear from her for days. At first I was a bit worried and asked her brother if he noticed anything
different and he even said that she was sleeping a lot and I realised that she was probably having an episode and I should give her space as much as I needed attention and reassurance. The problem here is that I'm an extrovert and I need to discuss things with someone when
I'm stressed but she is an introvert and needs to meditate on things alone when stressed.

At this point I resolved not to text or call her so instead I asked her friends if they had seen her have an episode like this before. I asked a friend we'll call Joe and he got back to me saying that around december she had an episode and I should give her space but
maybe send a meme every now and again to remind her I'm here and thinking about her. After discussing this with him I asker her brother about december hoping for more info.

I also contacted her best friend asking her reach out too. No one is getting a response.

The next day she called me. she was pretty emotional, we both were. She asked first how I was and I admitted to being really tore up and having frequent break downs. I asked
how she was doing and she was feeling really depressive. Here's the rest of our conversation.

Am I suffocating you?

...yes...

Ok then. I'll be sure to reach out less and give you more space. I'm sorry it took so long for me to realise.... I love you.

...

Should I be worried about our relationship?

*distressed noise*

If you're going to break up with me just do it.

I don't think I can me with you.

Can I ask why?

Because you're too good for me

What? What do you mean?

I don't deserve you. You don't understand. I'm f***ed up in the head and I'm going to do nothing but hurt you. I can't do that to you.

No. You're not too good for me. I don't think So. I think you're too good for me. I love you and You've made me so happy. No. I can't
accept that reason for breaking up. Nope. Break up didn't go through.

What? really? Brandon told me that you talked to Joe about what happened in December and I thought that you wouldn't want me for sure.
(turns out Joe and her dated for a few weeks and she broke up with him similarly and they remained friends. I told her I didn't really
care about that because I've met Joe and I didn't really feel threatened by him.)

*at this point the connection was kinda bad so I couldn't hear her properly and after asking her to repeat herself 2 or 3 times I gave up
but things sounded good because the tone of her voice sounded good*

I think I hear "don't call back" then the call drops.

I freak out and call her right back.

The call doesn't go through but she called me right back and the connection is good again.

Another thing that happened is that her dad passed away about a month before this. He had been in a coma for the last 2 years resulting in a huge legal battle between her mom and her step sister resulting her step sister winning power of attorney and taking everything away from her. A few days before she stopped talking to me her mom had come home drunk and was screaming about how she and her brother with life sucking free loaders and that her dad had his stroke because he couldn’t deal with the two of them. She is really young and is still worried about what she wants to do with her life and her lack of direction. She is also really guilty about living at home and feels like a burden to her mom and puts up with her toxic family because she can’t afford to move out and go to school. These words really cut deep.

After We talk as if everything is normal if not a bit strained. she tells me about her day and I tell her about mine. Before we hang up I agree to give her space and not contact her with our usual frequency and that I tell her for the record the break up didn't go through and we are
still together. She responds "you're funny" I'm not sure how to take that. She tell me "for the record when I called you I though You wouldn't want to be with me any more and that you would be happy to break up.

For the next few days I leave her to it. Joe text me saying that he has a bad feeling about the way she is acting and it reminds him too much about how she broke it off with him. He kept saying things along those lines so I tell him to keep it to himself if all he has to
say is negative stuff. He then tells me that her brother what he learned from her brother. Apparently she took shrooms with this guy we are going to call Texas. She had an epiphany and has been at his house everyday since and not really talking to anyone else. This puts me in
a dark place because I'm here alone and she's off possibly with someone else.

So I text her confronting her about it but get no response. Joe then ask me if I’ve seen her profile lately so I check it. Turns out I’m blocked from her facebook and so is Joe and all my friends.

I resign myself to the fact that she is in fact gone and I’m not getting her back. After a few days of reflection I decided not to trust rumors coming from an ex and her a**hole of a brother. Her brother tends to exaggerate and is a bit toxic himself. I can understand if she was going over there because her wants to avoid her house and the toxic people there. While I never got the chance to meet Texas, She’s told me about him and he’s the only friend that lives close enough to casually smoke weed with and I have female friends I hang out with for similar reasons. I text that to her saying that I’ve decided not to trust or believe anything unless I hear it directly from her.

I also tell her best friend I have decided not to believe the rumor and that I still wanted her. Or at least talk to her about what happened and maybe be on speaking terms again. Her BFF never replies to this. Her BFF doesn't like me the most because I talked her out of joining the Air force together.

The day after I sent that to her BFF she text me simply “I don’t want to be with you any more. I’m sorry to hurt you like this. Good Bye.”

It's been a bit over a week since she sent that text. I haven't contacted her either and I don’t know what to make of it. On one hand this reads like so many other post about depression break ups and I shouldn't be so worried because when the episode runs it’s course what feelings she had before should still be there. On the other hand, other stories I’ve read doesn’t include such complete shut out.

From what I saw and friends tell me. She was extremely happy when we were together and was even looking into moving to San Francisco to be with me after she completed community college. I’m worried about being that ex who can’t take a hint or move on but I don’t know If I should give up hope. From what she as told me in plain english I believe she will come back. But Maybe she wasn’t who I thought she was the whole time she was with me. Maybe she really did have a shroom ephiny and left me for Texas, but is too childish to face me head on. The women I knew and loved wouldn't have handled this so immaturely though. Or Maybe she really is depressed and is just shutting everyone out and I have to be patient and some there for her. For some reason I still have her on snapchat and instagram even though those were the ways we communicated most besides text. I’ve been too scared to reach out using those channels though because I don’t want to be blocked on those too.


I was working on a project, a book of love letters that I’ve halted when she sent that text. I still want to give it to her so at least she knows how I felt and the questions I never got answers to.

if you are Interested in reading the book you can message me. I'm not allowed to post links as a new user