Can't stop worrying

Hi, this is my first post on here. I hope this is in the right place!!

I've been feeling down for a while now, since December 2003. For the past four years I've been in a wonderful, loving

relationship with a wonderful girl (we're both in our mid-20s). I generally worship the ground she walks on. We've

been engaged for just over 2 years, and are hoping to get married soon.

Then, at our work Xmas party, I got very drunk and was flirty and probably a bit suggestive (not sure what I said) with a

couple of the girls from the office. This was particularly out of character for me - I normally wouldn't dream about

doing anything like this. I felt terrible for thinking these things, so guilty towards my fiancee. I felt like I'd

really let her down. Over Xmas, I didn't really let it bother me - I just got on with it and enjoyed myself. When I got back to work,

the girls I was flirty with seemed ok towards me, but all I could think of was how upset my fiancee would be and how

much I'd let her down. I hated the thought of people thinking "Look of that idiot - I feel sorry for his poor

girlfriend". I was terrified that I would lose her. I "sort of" confessed at first - told her how I was fed up of

drinking, etc. Gradually, I let on that I'd been flirty and didn't know what had happened ... I drove myself crazy

worrying for weeks, so, just after Valentine's day, I plucked up the courage to ask the girls from work if I'd done

anything physical that night - they just laughed and said - "I think you'd have known by now if you did!" I felt so

much better - it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I told my fiancee as soon as I got home, and

told her how much I loved her and loved being honest with her.

A couple of weeks later, we were together in town, and I recognised a girl who I kissed once when we first started

going out (this was over 3.5 years ago). This is the only time this has ever happened. I regretted it, and I'd told

my fiancee this too when it had happened. At the time, she cried and didn't talk to me for a couple of days.

(Thankfully though, she forgave me and although I'm still angry for doing it I haven't been bothered about it since, and we moved on).

However, seeing this girl meant that I felt the need to confess every dishonest thought I'd ever had... if I've fantasised about another girl,

etc. My fiancee was pretty cool about it all - althought she probably got a bit fed up about silly revelations. But I just kept on dragging up the past in my head, trying to think of

things she should know about.

I started to feel anxious a lot of the time (was off my food, thought about being anxious a lot), and couldn't really

pin-point an exact cause. I started to have some terrible thoughts - the worst about us not being together anymore.

I looked on the web about anxiety, and found that I should try to replace negative thoughts with positive. I had

couple of days off work with my fiancee, and we had a lovely time together. Then, at the end of March, we went away

for a few days, and I was feeling that, although I didn't want to leave her, that I would have to for her sake because

I wasn't good enough for her. I think she sensed this feeling on me, and said that she'd handcuff me to the house so

that I couldn't leave. This actually made me feel a lot better, and the rest of our trip was wonderful and romantic,

and I thought that everything was better. We got back about 3 weeks ago.

Everything was fine (or, at least, as good as it's been since this all started), until I read a problem page in a

magazine saying about a women who'd had an affair, and didn't know if her relationship was what she wanted. She said

she kept thinking of the man she had an affair with. For some reason I drew parallels with myself - I thought, I only think about my fiancee, I don't want to be with anyone else, I want to built our future together, but I began to question why I'd

had "dishonest" thoughts in the first place, and started to wonder if it meant I didn't love her... this of course,

let to me trying to rationalise my love, etc. However, I came to the conclusion that as I only wanted to be with my

fiancee, loved her company, wanted to be with her forever, couldn't bear to be without her, and didn't think about

being with anyone else (except on 2 isolated occasions over 4 years when I'd been drunk), that it must be love.

Then, last Sunday, I awoke having had a dream in which another girl was coming on to me. I didn't do anything with

her in my dream, but felt guilty about even dreaming about it. I thought about it all day, and in the evening I had a

bit of a headache and my fiancee asked me what was wrong. I told her about the dream, and how I'd been thinking about

it all day. She said it was making her feel a bit insecure. I told her that I loved her, and not to worry, but I

can't lie to her and hate keeping the fact that I'm feeling down from her. Last night I was a bit distant again, and

she asked me if everything was going to be ok with us.

Can anybody help me? I hate going over why I got drunk at the Xmas party. I hate letting my fiancee down, and try to

think that I only feel bad because I feel guilty, and this must be because I have the utmost respect for her and love

her. But it's getting to the point that because I think about this all the time, and feel as though I'm a bit distant towards her (and my libido is down too), that she can sense it. It think starting to put a strain on us.

In my heart I know that I love her, and I hate trying to rationalise it. I've always been very sensitive and caring, and I spoke to my mother about this. She said I've always been a bit of a worrier. I just want to go back to the loving, caring, happy person I was before Xmas, and want to be able to properly devote my life to my fiancee. It seems a bit silly when you write it all

down, but can anyone else see what I'm going through? Or suggest anyway to help me?