by Leo Volont » Tue Oct 31, 2017 10:47 am
Good Evening Connor,
What a situation you got yourself into. Well, you are still just 33. That is still when you are learning all your lessons. Yes, you waited too long to break up. By the time I was in my 40’s I knew that you had only 2 dates to make up your mind – by the 3rd date it would already begin to be too ‘regular’ and a 4th date would be expected. Also, by the 3rd date the little tokens of affection would begin to become too darn meaningful. By the time of a 3rd Date, nothing is ‘casual’ anymore. But Not Calling after a 2nd date would not be considered any Crime Against Humanity. Oh, and since I had to make up my mind in only 2 dates, instead of hiding my flaws and putting ‘my best foot forward’ like most men do while dating, as they want to ‘impress’ their date, I would go the opposite route of just being my normal self. Whether I would decide against them, or they against me, it was IMPORTANT that the Ultimate Decision be made by Somebody and the Sooner the Better. But as the years went out I decided to write more, study mathematics and practice more with my music, and I also got a bunch of cats (which are actually better company than most women, in the social sense of course). Nowadays I simply don’t know how ANY woman could fit into my Life … not without trying to push something or everything out of the way to make more room for herself. So it’s been more than a decade now since I ‘relationship dated’. People think I am Spiritual, but actually it is probably just a matter of my believing women are more trouble than they are worth.
But let’s get back to YOU. Your present situation is puzzling. That woman was sour and grumpy around you, but your Best Friend the Boss was sending caterers to her door and maybe even paying her rent. He’s Keeping her! It makes me wonder whether YOU ever mattered. Is your Boss Friend married, or is he in a serious committed relationship? Maybe you are just his Straw Man – the Elbow that his Secret Girl Friend can lean on at parties when he is supposed to be with his Wife.
Oh, let me talk directly about sour irritable girls. Often Women decide that they will start to Date Sensibly for Now On and so they will only go out with Guys that Score High Enough on some Checklist they whip up. So if you are the Guy that meets All of their Requirements, then they feel they HAVE TO go out with you, because it is the Sensible and Right Thing to Do. This is all while they REALLY lust for and crave the bad boy parking attendant or guitar player with needle marks on his tongue. But while they are Forcing themselves to Like or even ‘Love’ you, they can’t help but to be snide, negative, and irritable whenever they are around you. You see, most women don’t have enough self-control to consistently play a role. Some do. The Gold-diggers that end up marrying Octogenarian Billionaires wouldn’t be irritable or grouchy even if you woke them up at 3 o’clock in the morning beating a frying pan next to their ear. They have Great Will Power and at some point decided from deep down inside that their Best Career Choice was to be an Absolute Angel for the Big Bucks. You got to admire Women who are that Strong. But most women are shabby amateurs when it comes to pleasing a Good Man. Let them have their Bad Boys. It serves them right.
But, whatever is really going on, if SHE doesn’t seem sour and grumpy to THEM, then somehow YOU are or were being used. Yes, these were Very Special Friends of yours, and they may be again, some day. But you are only 33. You’re whole life is ahead of you. You certainly can’t pall around with this crowd NOW… not when they are insisting on Prioritizing a Girl that gives you the Creeps. (And, yes, whenever you have a Weird Feeling about somebody, it would be the height of Carelessness to ignore such an Animal Instinct – a sense of Impending Danger). It reminds me of a time about 20 years ago when I was good friends with this one person and it turned out that we found we had a disagreement over silly politics – she saw some issue in Morally Absolute Terms, but I myself, as a Historian among other things, saw it as a complex Geo-political phenomena. Her position was that if I could not show sufficient moral outrage, she couldn’t be my friend. “Well, okay”. It surprised me that Moral Outrage meant more to her than our Friendship, but then how important was my Friendship to her anyway, if it was suddenly that Trivial (after all, Moral Outrage is mostly just a Moot Point, isn’t it? She was a guitar player, not a wealthy heiress or a Head of State. How Vain of her to believe that what she Thought mattered in the least). So, I was sad at the loss of a friend… and the memory is still a bit winsome, but today I am getting along fine. And I have a new set of friends. And I have lost cats that have brought more tears to my eyes than she ever did.
OH! But you DO have your choices wrong. You don’t have to SAY anything. That reminds me of a Musician I know. He is the NICEST guy in the World. If you ask him to play a Gig he will say “Yes, Of Course”. But often he just doesn’t show up. This seems VERY unreliable, but when you ask around about the guy you find out he NEVER SAYS “NO”. He doesn’t want to ever disappoint anybody. So you only know you have a real YES if the guy shows up. This is sort of what YOU need to do. You don’t want to give your friends an Ultimatum. What if they decide FOR the Girl and then next week THEY find out they really don’t like her. Then if you had already Burned Your Bridges then you’d both be screwed and out of the picture. So, without saying a word , Just Stop Showing Up. Or you can show up, and if SHE is also there, then you can say “Oh, I ran out of Smokes. A machine is right outside. I’ll be right back”. In most cases it will be 45 minutes before somebody realizes that you split for good. I’ve left parties like that and it seems that NOBODY EVER Noticed. One of the things a lot of Normal People don’t realize is just how Invisible they are to everybody but themselves. The truth is we can never Over Estimate how Little we matter to other people. I suppose your Boss Friend learned this early. You can see how he endeavors to add to his Importance by being Materially Significant to those whom he wishes to impress. I myself can confess that I would rather admire anybody who would pay my Rent. But there are those who win their way Socially by being very amusing or ingratiating – both Good Story Tellers and Good Smiling and Sympathetic Listeners could equally fit into this Category. You may be one of them, and if that is the case, issuing Ultimatums would seem so crass and out of character for yourself.
So don’t SAY anything, but Don’t Hang around while she is there. If she BECOMES your Boss’s New Girlfriend, which seems a possibility, only then do you have to become more and more permanently scarce. Which brings up another Issue! …Now that I think about it. Yes, you are not supposed to “Foul your own nest” (which is the polite way of saying what you said using graphically disgusting terms… which may also be seen as being ‘amusing’), but you are also not supposed to go around being Buddy Buddy with the Boss. Maybe you are learning two things here for the price of one. Maybe he was your friend before you let him hire you. Well, THAT was a mistake, to take a job from a Friend (like lending or borrowing money). Never take a job from a Friend if that means he will be your Boss. That would be unfair to the other Employees. It also makes you look like an apple polishing brown nosing kiss butt. I’ve been a Worker all my life and truly believe that there must be some special circle in Dante’s Hell for Boss-Worker Buddy Buddies. It’s simply not ethical. If you want to go into business with a Friend, well that’s what they call PARTNERS.
But you are still young. You know what they say – “Life begins at 40”. It will be 6 years and ‘change’ before you are even Born.
Anyway, Connor, good luck. If you think I forgot anything, let me know. I’m more than willing to help.