Daily audit

Josh Smith wrote:Hi, For the past year I've been writing a diary every night noting the positive and negative events around my anger / lying / passive-aggression, narcissism, mysogeny. My wife suggested i start writing my diary on a new thread here to get comments and encouragement and maybe others can benefit from the content. So here goes:

Negatives
- for the first time in several weeks, my wife let me sleep in our marriage bed last night. When she woke me up in the morning, instead of being loving and appreciative, I complained that I thought we were going to sleep for longer. This follows a general pattern of me being less emotionally controlled first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
- When we were working together on our land, my wife asked me a question to which I didn't give a straight answer and she had to ask several times. This was a mild form of witholding, all because I felt annoyed that she hadn't praised me for the work I'd done in the dark yesterday [I like to get praise but won't typically ask for it]. In analysing myself to get this understanding, I was slow and clunky - again, an expression of witholding.

Positives
- After the work, we drove to a teashop and in the car we talked about my resistance to change myself. My wife found a book that suggested that children who are potty trained too early (as I believe i was) get screwed up because the impulses of letting go (like having a poo) get associated with shame and they don't develop a sense of autonomy. In that respect, I'm paradoxical in that in my close relationship with my wife I'm too passive (a bit like a leech) and yet I'm self-employed and pretty autonomous in that respect. We've ordered the book which should be useful.
- in the car I worked on my resistance to changing myself by a method we call "Sentences" - I say a bold sentence like "I love changing myself to make our marriage better" and hear/feel the reactions in my body. I consistently could feel a rage in my stomach and saw the image of a three year old child repeatedly punching the air. The good news was that the feeling of rage was sufficiently "distant" that there was no possibility of me choosing to ride on it and have a temper tantrum. To be able to talk about my unwillingness to change and feel the rage without having a tantrum was an advance in itself. Then I first focused on sending my wife love from the navel chakra, did the Sentences and found a much more positive and loving attitude.

I'd be grateful for any thoughts / reactions to this that you might have.

Hi Josh,

Wow! What a Supportive Wife. Oh, I think I have some insight into your Narcissism… all that worrying that you are Under Appreciated. Well, you REALLY DO Think, that you are the Center of Universe… not Just Your Universe, but everyone else’s too! That is kind of Ridiculous, right? Even your Wife has every right to think of Herself First. She should show attention and consideration toward you, but, realistically, she will Always Think of Her Own Needs First…. JUST LIKE YOU DO FOR YOURSELF, no?

Anyway, many of my Friends have found Great Peace of Mind in finally discerning that Nobody Really Cares What We Do or Think. They may comment negatively about something we say or do, but, as long as we do not make an issue about it, They generally forget about us 5 minutes later. They have Their Own Stuff to Think About. Well, that is regarding Social Acquaintances. With Relationship, well, in Relationships, Ones we are Close too may have their Own Axes to Grind… Personal Agendas … wishing to Blame their Loved One’s for all the Trouble in Their Lives. BUT, for the most part, Usually, people do not Care. And we should not expect them to Care. We Should see that as a Huge Benefit! If we do not get as much Praise as we would like, well, nobody notices when we screw up either. Or they do, but, well, what do they care?

To other People YOU ARE NOT the Center of the Universe. There is no good reason why you should be, right?

for the first time in several weeks, my wife let me sleep in our marriage bed last night. When she woke me up in the morning, instead of being loving and appreciative, I complained that I thought we were going to sleep for longer. This follows a general pattern of me being less emotionally controlled first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

1st bolded segment:
Could you elaborate on the proportion of the scale of power here?
Before your wife allowed you into bed she must've expelled you?
On what terms?

2nd:
Ignorant of the context i shall take leaps in assumption based on available references, so excuse any potential irrelevancies.

Now, i naturally wonder why one's obligated to be loving and affectionate first second of waking?
Furthermore, how is expressing your desire to sleep longer negative?

3d:
Ah, so the picture i see emerging here is that as a method to purposefully manage your anger you've promoted and idealized total emotional control, even though some emotions are not meant to be kept in check along with feelings irrelevant or disrespectful to contextual agreement?

When we were working together on our land, my wife asked me a question to which I didn't give a straight answer and she had to ask several times. This was a mild form of witholding, all because I felt annoyed that she hadn't praised me for the work I'd done in the dark yesterday [I like to get praise but won't typically ask for it]. In analysing myself to get this understanding, I was slow and clunky - again, an expression of witholding.

Withholding what?
Your honest findings or correspondence to her demand or inquiry which you couldn't respond to honestly lest you might air out your covert resentment, hence the period of silence due to a disconnect in between your genuine inner experience and the facade you seem to wish to uphold in relation to your wife.

I say a bold sentence like "I love changing myself to make our marriage better" and hear/feel the reactions in my body. I consistently could feel a rage in my stomach and saw the image of a three year old child repeatedly punching the air

This spontaneously arisen inner image in relation to your expressed intention is of indubitable importance, really.

As complex as the psychic processes that produce these images in the midst of inner discord, distress or dysfunction are, i dare have a guess at the underlying meaning driving the image, which i reckon is symbolic of that part of your self which correlates to [the lingering, unfulfilled desires of] your inner child, protesting against the dishonesty or partial discrimination [found in your intent to disregard your personal interests in favour of external acceptance by female---woman] of your publicized statement.

Not sure, but i feel like there might be some truth concealed within this insight.
If you can relate, i suggest you to to consult your emotions in search of any dishonesty inherent or attached to the statement which sounds as ''i love changing my self to make our marriage better.''

I say, yes, you most likely love working on your self to improve the conditions of your situation at home, but you might be inwardly rebelling against the disproportionate scale of judgement and blame which you feel to be unjustly tilted over to your side, as you most probably often have felt to be unjustly accused as a youngin', [when you were] unable to grasp the severity of the act's consequences thus the feeling of being unjustly blamed for something you felt like you hadn't done.

Not sure.

Creatively imaginin' with the references available.

The good news was that the feeling of rage was sufficiently "distant" that there was no possibility of me choosing to ride on it and have a temper tantrum.

Here's some other ''good'' news...the situation depicted above theoretically is ''bad'' news. And though it shouldn't be framed as negative, it sure isn't beneficial to any involved, for what happens if a child's natural emotional expression is pre-emptively cut short and disallowed?
Do you think the child will incorporate this unresolved emotion in a healthy way?

There's a reason why human beings in their most untampered expression---as children---generate such unbridled, exuberant forms of emotional extravaganza, as that is how our emotions are meant to be expressed.
Sure children who's minds haven't yet been molded by education, and who're more in sync with their natural selves and instinct, know better how to express emotion than our configured adults do?!

When you imagine how an adult would perceive a fellow adult who throws a temper tantrum of a childish nature, in nearly every case you'd find this adult to be immoderately judgemental of this individual's emotional expression---regardless of how relieving the impact has been and how dearly the subject needed it---by framing the hysterically acting adult as a lunatic or something like that.

But if an adult's bonkers for doing that, why a child isn't?
And furthermore, up to what age is a child permitted such frivolous indulgences?

To be able to talk about my unwillingness to change and feel the rage without having a tantrum was an advance in itself.

I can see the merit in that.
But are you aware that one side of the purpose of anger is to rouse its host from a state of conformity and inhibition as to finally allow his volcano to purge the incontestably and immeasurably scorching lava?
Thus that anger often is a driving tool all too often managed unwell?
Therefore the fault lies not in the emotion but in the approach towards it.

I'm not advocating the glorification of anger here, only a more holistic approach to understanding its mechanics and purpose.

Then I first focused on sending my wife love from the navel chakra, did the Sentences and found a much more positive and loving attitude.

Not being aware of how emotionally stable you were at this moment of channeling [your intentions], i must yet ask if an individual who's having to deal with stress of any kind is able to channel emanations of peace to a subject of selection?

Dear Josh,

Well, Introspector might be entirely correct about everything he said, but that only means you need to avoid the difficulties he details.

Yes, you Wife let you back into the Conjugal Bed. Great! That happens between Man and Wife on a Great Date Night... yes, Husbands and Wives need great Date Nights... but Just Like On a Great Date... the man is SUPPOSED to SNEAK OUT... before morning. Why Ruin things with Morning Breath and Mussed up Hair? Go to your own room. If you are questioned on that later, just say "I went to make you breakfast in bed, but just laid down to close me eyes for a second and I guess I fell back asleep, but Last Night was one of the greatest Nights of my Life... second only to the night your accepted my proposal... blah, blah, blah.

You are a Guy! You are living with a Girl. Nobody EXPECTS the impossible... except maybe Introspector... and we would like to have a Report from His Wife on how much he conforms to a Female's Expectations of Gallantry and Husbandry, and all of that. But my Thoughts are that if you Live Your Whole Life to Please Other People, especially your Wife, then you will have Nothing Left over for Yourself, and your Soul Will Die. I was once married and after the divorce it took Years to bring my soul back to life. Some Wives are life Vampires. You Can't Let Them Drink All of your Blood. All though Introspective might approve because it seems such a nice gesture....

but... still, Introspectorius might very well be right, in this situation. You are a very intelligent man... we will leave it to you to figure it all out.

Nobody EXPECTS the impossible... except maybe Introspector... and we would like to have a Report from His Wife on how much he conforms to a Female's Expectations of Gallantry and Husbandry

hehehe...delightful intermission of a musical flair!

I don't see my self as external and immune to the problem i contextualized and provided potential solutions to, yet i dare to state with relative ease of confidence that any emerging difficulties of the sort broached in the original post are consequences of a leaky psychic foundation and unsound framework of principles which the relationship dynamic quite naturally proposes to ameliorate through conflict, which could thusly be avoided by preparatory self-work prior to the official binding of a relationship.
But if it weren't for the value found in mutually beneficial relationships there would be little need to commit to serious self-development anyways, so it works both ways.


In the end, though, i'm very well aware that erudite theories often face severe blows and challenges in the face of converting into practice, and that i might equally well fall victim to similar circumstances and challenges regardless of the becoming stance upheld.

but... still, Introspectorius might very well be right, in this situation. You are a very intelligent man... we will leave it to you to figure it all out.

My humility extended. .[*slight bow with hands stuck together*]

Thanks Leo and Introspectah for your thoughts. You've given me a lot to chew over. Sorry for the radio silence - have been away working.

Oh! I really need to Apologize to Introspector... as I suspect my last Post may have been a bit slighting. He, or She, is really quite brilliant, and He, or she, makes total sense... it All Applies. He, or she, is So Smart, that one simply has to think about it for a minute... or Ten Minutes... or two... to figure out how it all applies... but, in the End, it Really Does! The Man, or woman, is really exactly Right On.

But Intropectiveist may be talking at a level where people without 80% of his intelligence, and the Will to read it again and again and to seriously think about it.... and THIS is the Twitter Generation!... They Don't Want to Have to Think about Anything... But, make no Mistake about It -- HE IS RIGHT. He, or she, is Dead On. We need to be grateful that somebody of that caliber is contributing to this page.

But, simplistically, what I gather from what he is saying, and forgive me for all of the violations of nuance, is that you have this Tendency to Succumbs to Henpecking. It seems you think you can fix your problems by being Dedicatedly 'Pussly Whipped'... to use the popular and common expressions.

Really!? Why bend your own life so far out of shape to please, well, someone who is effectively Just a Roommate... with benefits... sometimes... when she feels like it.

Why!? Why crawl and humiliate yourself.

Do you Need her to pay any of the Bills. that would be a Real Concern in this day and age. But! If you could manage is a small efficiency flat all by yourself... and BE HAPPY... then Why are you putting up with, well, it amounts to Emotional Abuse.

Do you really Need her? There is a Funny Expression where I come from -- "For Every Beautiful Woman, there is
a Guy who is Tired of Taking Her Crap". You might Want Her, BUT do you need her? Is she Really Good for You? or is she an Accessory to your Life Style that you simply can't afford... a Rose with Too Many Thorns?

Dump Her! If you get lonely... get a few Cats. Cats are lower maintenance than 'female dogs', and their companionship and affection, in their own limited way, are much more reliable.

Hi Josh,

Thank you for sharing your story with us about your feelings and stories.

To be blunt, the title of this thread seems to me a little bit odd.

You keep analyzing yourself and your wife. Why?

When it comes to relationship, I think the best and simple way is to COMMUNICATE. In order words, you guys let each other know what you think about. Tell each other what you like or dislike.

If I were you, I would tell my wife, "Honey, could you praise me more frequently? etc.", whenever there is an appropriate timing. You don't have to talk about it on the spot, but find the right time, to share. And so does she.

Please use more positive words, and avoid accusing or blaming other people.

For example:

A: what you said makes me uncomfortable. (Being accusing negatively)
B: If you said XXX, I will feel comfortable. (Positively tell people how you would like to be treated.)


If your wife kept asking something you wouldn't like to reply directly. You could simply tell her that when you could tell, or why you couldn't tell.

It is something like the way you learn to how to make a cat to purr. You and your wife should make each other to purr.

If keep doing the soul-searching about daily life, you would drive you to feel even more worse. You keep talking to your own inner self. You worry yourself, and worry about your wife WAY TOO MUCH. You might lose your confidence.

As there's no such a pattern that you should be loving or appreciative, etc. , emotions come from our bottom of heart.

The simplest way, let each other know what you think aobut, is the most effective way.

All the best!

Leo Volont wrote:

Again, my humility extended ...

Although i am not in search of external validation in order to stay in confident pursuit of my purpose, receiving recognition of such a kind does come as a welcome blessing and significant re-affirmation---like the artist basking in glory by virtue of solidary reception.

Introspectah wrote:

Leo Volont wrote:

Again, my humility extended ...

Although i am not in search of external validation in order to stay in confident pursuit of my purpose, receiving recognition of such a kind does come as a welcome blessing and significant re-affirmation---like the artist basking in glory by virtue of solidary reception.

Yes! And you Should Appreciate such External Validation... you see, I have something of an Intellectual Gift. Let me explain.

Years Ago, when I thought that Vigorous application to Kundalini Yoga, and the Chinese Chi Methodologies would lead to Total Transcendental Enlightenment, well, it so happened that I had a Dream about "the Faculty of True Discernment".

It was a great Dream... I was in a field that I often frequented as a young boy, and then this extremely ugly woman approached with a guitar and she began to Sing and Play. Well, it was among the most beautiful things I ever heard and I was transfixed listening to her. but along came a gang of guys, and they began to scoff and loudly comment on the Lady's extreme ugliness.... Well, I had to 'Shush' them... "Quiet! Don't your hear that Beautiful Music"?

Well, it was like I Punched the Right Key.... the Dream Scene Flashed to Another... the Ugly but Beautifully Playing was standing just before me and she said "THE MOST IMPORTANT FACULTY TO CULTIVATE IS THE FACULTY OF TRUE DISCERNMENT".

What I gather from that is that I choose well in 'discerning' the beauty of her Music while side-lining concerns for her physical reprehensibility... I discerned the Right Thing.

I paid attention to that dream. It seemed to open up the ability, if not to KNOW, the absolute True and Right Thing, at least to REGOGNIZE the Truth when I heard or saw it.

So, Introspectah, you may feel assured that you were not only Validated by some mere isolated intellect, but by One whose Intellectual Faculties and corresponding Imaging and Thought Energies are, well, 'mostly'... One with the Universe.... not just Opinions... but that they have a Real Correspondence to Actual Reality.

I had sort of wished that Being Enlightened Felt Better... that is, came along with some sort of Absolute Bliss. But, as the Rolling Stones said, "you can't always get what you want... but you get what you need". And, well, "the Faculty of True Discernment" is not much fun... but it Does come in Handy now and again....

Leo Volont wrote: the Ugly but Beautifully Playing was standing just before me and she said "THE MOST IMPORTANT FACULTY TO CULTIVATE IS THE FACULTY OF TRUE DISCERNMENT".

What a magnificent dream.

Most intriguing how you were being prescribed a lesson in such a clear-cut way, which is so unusual to the common dream experience---certainly unique.

It's amusing to have you bring up this particular faculty of intelligence which i consider as the prime determinant in my philosophical discourse and psychological enterprise.

Undubitably it is a gift of a prodigious kind which cuts both ways like a double-edged sword, as one may be endowed with an intuitive predisposition to peer through barriers inviolable by social law and moral code, out of which comes forth a delicate responsability to modestly and respectably handle secrets spontaneously unraveled by virtue of this precious ability.

Suffice to say it's a massive challenge to tackle.

In regards to your comment about enlightenment ... recently i heard a neat description which according to my current position nears closest to the essence of enlightenment, sounding as follows, ''enlightenment is the ability to observe without judgement.''

i like that statement introspectah. that rings true to me.

not that i would claim to be enlightened.

how about this one? which i found on a basketball site of all places: "forget what you assume. remember what you see."

Introspectah wrote: ''enlightenment is the ability to observe without judgement.''

Oh! Not Just OBSERVE, without Judgment.... People THINK they Observe EVERYTHING that happens while they are Awake. They Really Don't. A Great Deal of the Time most people are Fixed on their Internal Dialogue...their JUDGMENT. They Are Thinking about Things Even Before they Have a Chance to Experience Them. I noticed That in Music Practice. For 40 Years I have been playing a Number of Instruments 'by ear' and it is from Long Experience that I have found that One Should Not Think About the Song.... Well, Yes and No... Thinking Has Its Place, BUT first and foremost one has to KNOW the SONG one is playing, and that only comes from Clear and Lucid Listeninig.... Attentiveness and Active Awareness.

But, yes, most people suffer from Thinking when they should still be trying to KNOW things simply from Direct Perception... True Discernment.... and that Wonderful Dream Persona put it...

Or perhaps you are trying to control your feelings way too much.

You do have the right to feel whatever you feel, even if others do not understand you and even if you don't know why you feel that way. There's always a reason

I don't know your story and your background. There are different patterns.

Sometimes it is not that one is not loving and appreciative, it is just that others take for granted things that one does and that shouldn't be taken for granted. One doesn't have to keep being nice if he doesn't feel that he receives the same in exchange. Some other times there are deeper reasons.

One could keep inhibiting and controlling, but the thing is is one able to do it without feeling any resentment or sense of wariness? And if not, does it really worth it?

DD@success-master wrote:Or perhaps you are trying to control your feelings way too much?

Hi DD.... Wow! ... were you really good at D and D....?

But about Controlling Feelings.... have you heard of the relatively 'new' psychological school of thought called 'Cognitive Behavioral Therapy'. Its now been around for about 40 years, and studies hold up that it Works... its effective.

The Idea behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is that People would Mostly Behave Appropriately Except that they have developed habits of Thought and Patterns of Habitual Behavior which are Dysfunctional. what we call "Feelings", well, for the most part they arise from how we Think about Things. As Shakespeare said, "nothing is either good or bad but Thinking makes it so".

So the Nitty Gritty of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is to learn to recognize silly dysfunctional habits and to stop following along with them, and to Examine the Thoughts behind bothersome Feelings. Are Bad Feelings actually Warranted by the Real Situation. They used to call it 'Reality Checking'. Indeed, I just got done answering a post.. one of the new Angry Posters flipped out at me because he didn't absorb all the subtle nuance in what I had told him, and allowed himself to take what I had said simplistically, and so he got all Judgmental... I effectively told him to Do a Reality Check. "are you mad at what I said, or what your distorted feelings tell your habit driven mind that I probably Meant".... basically people use their preconceptions to distort how they See the World, and then How they React to the World.

and a lot of that can be Fixed. It is Never Wise to simply let yourself STAY in a problem, if it can be Fixed, no?