What If Your Partner Is the Angry One

Here at an Anger Management Forum one would think there would be more Traffic coming from the Victims of Anger – family members and relationship partners of Angry People. After all, when there is Anger in the Home, who is it that has the Bigger Problem with It? The Actual Angry Person’s ‘problems’ are all somewhat remote. He or she ‘might’ get arrested, or ‘might’ see their relationship break up. But it is the Person on the Receiving End of all that Anger who is experiencing all the terrible consequences of Anger right there on the spot. THAT is definitely an Anger Issue. So I am puzzled why more of these People don’t write in.

But maybe some of these Victims are Reading the Posts here, and so This One is for them. To make it easier to write, please allow me to refer to these Anger Victims as “AVs”.

Now you AVs may be a bit annoyed, in reading many of these Posts, that the Helpers here seem to be codling and comforting the Angry Monsters – your Persecutors – who write in. Well, yes, it might SEEM that way, but it is like dealing with a Wild Animal that one wishes to trap – you don’t want to scare It away by shouting accusations and recriminations. We want to lure these Angry People into a sense of comfortable complacency with our Forum so that we may begin to Help them, which, in turn will actually Help you AVs get a little Peace and Quiet in your lives. But it is Completely Understandable that You, as a direct victim of their Anger, should take a much stricter stance toward your Angry Person. For YOU To Face the Beast while trying to sooth and help it is to expose yourself to its Teeth and Claws. From the AVs’ standpoint, the Best and Safest Assumption is that the Angry Person in their lives will remain Angry and will Not Change. Indeed, the AV should only assume that the Anger will only escalate and get worse. Our Job Here is to TRY to Help Angry People learn how to be Calm and Controlled, but the AVs’ Job out There is to Try to Stay Alive in a Home that has become a Battlefield! Anger can be Dangerous and it is foolish not to avoid it and to steer clear from It. We all know that Domestic Violence often builds up from small beginnings, and Today’s Irritability in a Partner may be Tomorrow’s Severe Beating… the ‘Nut’ might even get a Gun! And even if the Anger stabilizes at a level of chronic irritability and negativity, well, what do you think Living with that year in and year out is doing for your overall Quality of Life? If your partner can’t ‘Put a Lid’ on the Negativity, then it is completely understandable that you would wish to severe the Relationship. Yes, it is commonly said that in Relationships ‘it is Healthy to talk things through and to try to cooperate together in solving problems’, BUT where Anger is involved, Talking may only lead to a dangerous escalation into Physical Violence. So it is probably best to NOT Talk about Leaving, but to Just Leave. If you wonder how you can just up and suddenly leave, well, it’s been done a million times before –this is how you do it: You say “Honey, I’m goin’ to the Corner Store to pick up a pack of ‘smokes’. I’ll be right back”. Then you walk out the door, get in your car, start it up, point it down the road, step on the gas and don’t look back until you have crossed a Time Zone or two.

That will show your Partner that you are ‘serious’ – much more effectively than any ‘talk’ could have done. If, from a very safe distance, you want to communicate, use an untraceable email account and DON’T give out your present address, or even what Country you are in. Telephone calls involve Area Codes, and that is Too Close for Comfort. We already know your Angry Person is Angry, and we don’t want to find out whether or not he or she is a Stalker too. And if you do establish communications, and if your Ex-Partner cries and moans and groans that he or she will “Get Help”, and if you still feel ‘connected’ and sympathetic, well, what do you do then? Many AVs at this point figure that that is enough, that they had made their ‘Point’, and then they relent, and then they give their Angry Person the Satisfaction of seeing them ‘crawl back home’. Well, I think that the AVs should rather Stand Firm and Stay where they Are, and not just for the Short Term! You see, Anger Management Help is not instantaneous nor is it automatic. Much depends on the Attitude and Intelligence of the Angry Person seeking Help. Many Angry People seek Help because they are compelled to by Circumstances, and their Hearts aren’t really ‘in it’. And then Some Angry People think that Therapy will have some magical effect and automatically calm them down. It won’t. The Angry Person must be Very Self Motivated and Lead His Own Way in getting a grip on his Anger and in ‘Cracking the Whip’ on his own erratic Emotions and Impulses. Therapists can’t do the Work that only the Client can do for His or Herself. As they say, a Therapist can ‘Lead a Horse to Water but he can’t make It Drink’. And here at the Forum, well, for every Success Story, there must be 5 hopeless cases (they say they want ‘Help’ but they speak endlessly on how justified and reasonable their Anger is). So, if your Angry Person claims that he or she is ‘getting help’ and sings you that “Bring It On Home” Song, well, you have to realize the Odds are All Against It. It is probably best to take a Wait and See attitude about your Angry Person, and if Other People… nice People… start appearing to be interested in You, well, don’t chase them away. It might be good to see what you are missing. Also, associating with Nice People will help give you a New Frame of Reference. Perhaps the only reason you still care about your Angry Person, is because, well, you know what they say – “Better the Devil you Know then the Devil you Don’t”. So it may be a real Eye Opener to find out that the ‘Devils you Don’t Know’ are sane, calm and happy people who are a joy to be with.

Anyway, let’s assume that you DO decide to give your Angry Ex-Partner a Second Chance, well, okay, it’s your Neck, BUT the first thing you should consider is that it would be a good idea to have the Police on Speed Dial (Your Angry Person may have been ‘cryin’ for you to come back, but that was to your Face. Behind your back there were very likely Revenge Fantasies and a great deal of Obsessive Thoughts and Ideations mostly characterized by Bitterness and Resentment against you… and all of That could be Very Close to the Surface when you get back…the Danger isn’t over just because he or she has ‘promised’ to be good. Your Next Concern should be to Monitor all the ‘Help’ your partner claims to be getting; for instance, if he or she seeks therapy, then you should demand that he or she make Written Reports of the therapy sessions and also Reports on all the Daily Activities and Work Book Projects taken in regards to his or her Anger Management Therapy, AND arrange with the Therapist to ‘sign off’ on these Reports, to guarantee that you are not being ‘played along and lied to’. If your Ex-Partner says he or she is going to read some Self Help Anger Management Books, then ask “which one’s?” Get the same books and read them yourself. Then Demand Book Reports, chapter by chapter! If your Ex-Partner is Motivated and Enthusiastic about Anger Management, then this will show through. If your Ex-Partner becomes too SEEMINGLY Enthusiastic and suddenly claims an Instant and Overwhelming Cure, and that he or she is no longer Angry, well, he or she is either lying or deluded. It Takes a Long Time to learn how to Control Anger. You see, Anger is a Big Bad Habit that is made up of perhaps dozens or more Little Bad Behavioral and Thought Habits that have been active within us perhaps since early childhood, and each and every one of these Bad Habits have to be confronted and replaced by some New and Improved Good Habit – and that can only be done with Time, Attention, Insight, Discernment and Practice. If your Ex is Honest then he or she will report on ‘slip ups’ – Angry Episodes that he or she got into which he or she regrets, but from which he or she learned some Important Lesson. Even when the Angry Person is most sincerely and ambitiously Seeking Help, there will be slip ups and Anger will take him or her almost by Surprise. Anger Management, while it provides us a Set of Skills derived from Science, is also a Kind of Art… a sort of Social Dance. It takes some time to become Proficient with It. So if you Came Home, or perhaps never left, you can STILL expect some Anger, even if All the Help is Working. What you can do for yourself is to not let up on your Monitoring and your Active Involvement with your Partner’s Anger Management Therapy Program, even if it has to go on for Years. You see, it often happens that Angry People might work Hard At It for six months or so and have Some Level of Real Success, and then they just figure that they must be ‘Cured’, and so they stop reading the Anger Management Books, forget about the Forum, and figure they can save on their Medical Plan Deductibles if they don’t do any more Follow Ups with their Therapist. Then the Next Thing You Know they are throwing the Coffee Table through the Picture Window and wrestling with the Cops on the front lawn. The only Sure Way to keep from being Angry, if you are a former Angry Person, is to Maintain the Therapy as On Going and Never Ending. Some therapy – reading or Forum Activity – every day keeps the Anti-Anger Awareness Going and the Guard Up. And if your Angry Person forgets that, well, you are there to remind him or her. And if they try to blow you off by telling you “Hey Babe, don’t worry about it. I’m Cool”, well, it might be time to take another trip to that ‘corner store to pick up another pack of smokes’.