Thinking of Suicide

**Posts:** 400 · by **Zanoni** » Mon May 15, 2017 10:37 am

I honestly can't myself a genuine to continue on living. I don't have friends or family. I live in a rat hole of a place. A bunch of thieves and down and outers. I live alone. When I was at work I caught one of them stealing oil from my oil. I don't need to make friends with that type of people.

I had this graphic surreal dream about suicide. I woke drenched in sweat and my mouth was dry. My head was spinning and I couldn't focus.

The dream was about me toppled over on the kitchen floor. I laid there as if drowning under water and found it hard to breath. I notcied my wrists had been slashed leaving wide cuts that bleed a thick black-red oil looking substance. The thickness of the blood and dark colour. I never seen so much blood before. Pouring out like a fountain. Then something a noise can't remember but it woke me up.

In real life I seem pretty normal. I have no worries from a certain point of view. But this feeling I can't shift. Like an open void of blank nothing that weighs me down. I often feel like I should commit suicide.

Thanks for reading.

**Posts:** 9885 · by **Candid** » Mon May 15, 2017 10:39 am

So what happened to your family?

**Posts:** 400 · by **Zanoni** » Mon May 15, 2017 10:44 am

My mum and dad died in a car accident when I was 3 years old. I have no other family that I know off and was brought up by the state.

**Posts:** 9885 · by **Candid** » Mon May 15, 2017 10:53 am

That would explain being avoidant and not trusting people. But it's very hard to get by in life entirely on your own, as you've already found.

What are the people like at work?

**Posts:** 400 · by **Zanoni** » Mon May 15, 2017 10:57 am

They're not interesting, run of the mill normal working people. Its small office 3 ther staff and 2 directors. We do our work, make small talk then go home to live our own lives. I don't associate with them outside of work. They don't associate with each other either.

So just a normal working environment I guess.

**Posts:** 9885 · by **Candid** » Mon May 15, 2017 10:58 am

You might do better in a bigger office where there are more people.

**Posts:** 400 · by **Zanoni** » Mon May 15, 2017 11:00 am

It would be the same. I am paid to work and be busy not a social butterfly.

**Posts:** 9885 · by **Candid** » Mon May 15, 2017 11:03 am

Whew! It's a few years since I did office work but when I did, it was Other People who made it either fun or hellish. Sounds like you've got hellish.

**Posts:** 400 · by **Zanoni** » Mon May 15, 2017 11:10 am

No. The people are fine. They are just normal people who do work and go home. They are not hellish nor are they fun.

**Posts:** 9885 · by **Candid** » Mon May 15, 2017 11:18 am

So what would have to happen in your life to make it worth living?

**Posts:** 400 · by **Zanoni** » Mon May 15, 2017 11:23 am

any answer i give makes me look shallow.

**Posts:** 400 · by **Zanoni** » Mon May 15, 2017 1:18 pm

I honestly don't see what my existence amounts to. I have done all the normal things that life has to offer but yet it doesn't satisfy me. What the hell is up with that?!?!?!

**Posts:** 400 · by **Zanoni** » Mon May 15, 2017 2:06 pm

Candid wrote:That would explain being avoidant and not trusting people. But it's very hard to get by in life entirely on your own, as you've already found.

What are the people like at work?

I dont find it hard to get by. I work. I have a house...etc I just find it all pointless, meaningless and to be honest beneath.

I joined a group to help people with depression called "Hope" and found no statisfaction there at all. I was in charge of holding meetings and organsing events but it made more suicidal.

**Posts:** 400 · by **Zanoni** » Mon May 15, 2017 9:15 pm

I've attempted suicide 3 times. I've never told that to anyone outside the doctors.

**Posts:** 39 · by **janine073** » Tue May 16, 2017 12:19 am

Please just take a minute to appreciate the life you have been given. Look around and see what a beautiful world you are in, and see all the endless opportunities and possibilities! There is so much more to life that you have not yet explored- so much love and happiness to come you're way, and I am thinking of you!

Imagine how you would feel seeing someone about to commit suicide... what would you say to them? how would that make you feel? You would tell them to STOP.. to take a moment to think about what they are doing, because you CARE about them... you may not know them, but you CARE! There are millions of people in this world, and although you may not know every person, or feel as though you ending you're life would not matter.... It DOES matter! Please, appreciate the life you are given, and look at how beautiful the world is around you! I may not know you, but I do care- and I want you to be ok and to be happy! And you can be happy, if you want it enough- you just have to see how beautiful life is, and start living! I suggest a walk in nature, just sit and breathe in the fresh air, hear the birds in the sky, and feel the sun shining down on you're face!

Sending you loving thoughts, and I hope you will find you're way to happiness! I believe in you, that you will be ok <3

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