I can't believe I have anger management issues.

Oh dear, I wish I had more time tonight to speak with you but I don’t, but a few salient ideas come to mind. Firstly, that you will think about All that has Happened for Years and perhaps grow wiser from it. I think you already know that Seeking Self Justification for Actions that turned out badly is counterproductive and would only lead you to Future Failures along the same line – a repeating loop of dysfunctional relationships .

I am pleased that your Husband has decided on Escape and is Happy and Excited about it. No, I don’t believe he is blameless in all that has happened, but I can understand that he Just Wanted to Be Happy all that time when you were scratching up Old Wounds. I have found, generally speaking, that Women believe that Talking Helps, but Men, for the most part, would rather just Live and Learn and Go into Tomorrow with a Big Old Stupid Smile on their Faces. After all, what is there to Talk About? If HE was There, then HE already knows, right? And he may not wish to be constantly reminded of something that was Unpleasant Then and would be just as Unpleasant Now. Let Go and Move On.

I hope in years to come you will come to see what I am saying. I DO hope that you refrain from getting into any Relationships for the next decade or so, or until you have had time to Process and to Change. If you rush into another Relationship too soon, well, it will be just to Torture another poor man who wanted to Trust you with his Happiness. The Only Lasting Joy he will have to look forward to is when he too gets the inspiration to Run, to Run as Fast as He Can, from You, with you back in the Distance saying for the Thousandth Time “but if only we could just Talk About It”.

A wise old friend of mine once gave me advice about Women, that when a Woman says “We Need to Talk” then you need to tell her “If We Need to Talk, then there is Nothing to Talk About”. He was talking about you, wasn’t he? How does it feel to be the Woman that Old Men warn Young Men about?

So please take the Time to Process. But I can’t be hopeful for you. You see, there must be some kind of personal and emotional ‘payoff’ in being a nagging harpy. Women may say that they want to change from being habitual and chronic tormentors, but we need to consider that there must be Something that Drives them to such behavior in the first place. If they Wanted to be Nice they would be Nice. But they Don’t. Maybe it’s that Simple.

Maybe you should fire your Psychiatrist and get a Psychologist who works with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (which in one form or another is almost Universal now among Psychologists, the same as Writing Script for Meds has become almost Universal among Psychiatrists) . With Cognitive Behavioral Therapy the point is NOT to Understand the Causes but simply to deal with the Effects. Nagging and Harping are seen as simple Negative Behaviors that must be discontinued and that if you Practice Not Nagging and Not Harping, along with Not Self Justifying Nagging and Harping then eventually you will become Fit to Live with. A Bad Life is simply the sum of a lot of Bad Habits. If you break all of your Bad Habits, you will be Perfect, wouldn’t you?

I suppose this is my fault. I made myself vulnerable on the internet. When a keyboard warrior rose to meet my tears with smug taunts couched in condescending empathy, I shouldn't have been surprised.

Nevertheless. I feel the need to respond. So. Here we go.

"I am pleased that your Husband has decided on Escape and is Happy and Excited about it. "


This is what you wrote in reply to what I wrote, to wit:

"Seeing someone you've loved so much hate you so much, be so happy to have you out of their life is an unspeakable sort of pain."


It is hard to know what to write in response to someone who claims pleasure at what I describe as an "unspeakable sort of pain". The fact that the original 'unspeakable sort of pain' was actually caused by another also displaying pleasure at my pain does not exactly make my day.


"I have found, generally speaking, that Women believe that Talking Helps, but Men, for the most part, would rather just Live and Learn and Go into Tomorrow with a Big Old Stupid Smile on their Faces."

Oh my stars. I simply cannot believe I wasted time speaking with certified mental professionals, not to mention reading relationship books by people with PhDs after their name who have decades of experience in this exact sort of issue, not when I had you to elucidate and clarify the human condition for me.

Why did I ever read Dr John Gottman? Dr Gottman may not be a Random Internet Poster, but even so he managed to gain some credibility in the field of relationship studies long before the internet could be weaponized by jerks like you. Dr Gottman is remarkable in that rather than being 'yet another' relationship counselor who decided to write a book summarizing his observations of thousands of couples, he decided to be a bit more objective and use the scientific method to determine not just reasons why relationships fail, but why and how they actually succeed.

Dr Gottman may be a man, and doubtless his wife could tell you about his Big Old Stupid Smile, but he nevertheless wrote what is universally considered to be the gold standard of relationship books, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. And in this book, he states a very curious thing, namely that he believes "we men" have "a lot" to learn from women about how to communicate and handle relationships.

Dr Gottman you see, is a firm believer in the concept of emotional intelligence, and if you are a curious there is an article from his website (published last year) and titled "Emotionally Intelligent Husbands are Key to a Lasting Marriage" (I would include the link but as a new user I apparently cannot include off-site URLs, I will have to rely on the hope you possess the wits to figure out how to google the article title with the relevant details).

And from the NYT also last year, there is an article about the importance of teaching men to be emotionally honest, titled: 'Teaching Men To Be Emotionally Honest' (again, you will have to google this).


Apparently, like, teaching men emotional honesty could be the key to finally moving the human race beyond the terrors of war and stuff? Or something? I'm sure it's not important, and yet for some reason, Dr Gottman and the New York Times (to name just two of many many sources) believe that men have less emotional intelligence than women. And this is, apparently, a Very Bad Thing. It destroys marriages according to Dr Gottman, but I would take this a step further and argue that emotional intelligence is important for impacting not just length of marriage but length of life.

You have denigrated me as being a nagging harpy, and as you are so familiar with the term I am sure you are aware of various implications of the 'nag effect'. A massive study several years ago concluded that having sisters helps men live longer. And yet, brothers do not help their sisters live longer. How could this be? Well, sisters apparently periodically call up their brothers and force their brothers to talk about themselves and their lives and any lingering emotional problems. ("...Are you really sure you're okay after your divorce?") Because apparently, this 'Let Go and Move On' business you claim guys do is not something they actually do. Instead of Letting Go, men stew and boil and become depressed. A molehill turns into a mountain and serious emotional problems for years or even decades later result.

Which is why yet another multitude of studies are now confirming: it is official, women come out better than men post-breakup. (This is the easiest one yet to google.)


But why, you ask? Are men not masters of Letting Go of bad problems and Moving On?

Not at all. It is ladies who after a breakup reach out to their social support networks to talk and process and workout how they feel and why, while men suppress and silently cling to their pain and problems, either subconsciously or not.

So you see, men do not actually 'Let Go' of their problems, they simple Do Not Talk About Them. The difference is distinct and, potentially, deadly at worst and full of unneeded emotional turmoil at best. Women arguably are actually better at Letting Go than men, thanks to our instinct to (gasp) talk about our problems.

You need to understand: it's not that women need to Let Go, it's that men need to learn how to discuss their problems in a productive and positive way.

Backing this notion up is yet another fine marriage book, called How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. This sort of book is aimed at folks (ie jerks) like you, who believe nags like me should be left in the Distance pleading with my partner to just Talk About It while he moves on to greener and supposedly happier pastures.

Now, bear in mind this book is written by both a man and a woman. And in the first part of this book, they lay it out very bluntly: saying 'We need to talk" to your male partner is anathema. The authors then go on to reassure their male readers this book is 'different', completely unlike all those 'other' relationship books that infuriatingly insist men need 'talk' through their problems. Because NOT TALKING about problems is, they confidently claim, how to have a harmonious union.

Of course, this is a bit of deception on the authors' parts, and it's rather clever actually. Because what my husband took away from this book was 'see we DON'T need to talk about our problems' while what I got from the book is: ladies, you can and should talk about your problems with your partner, you just need to be careful how you go about bringing up your problems.

The book gives specific examples of how to do this depending on the type of problem, for example if you are hurt by something he has done or said: first cuddle with him and tell a story about someone being mean to you at work. He will cuddle you and empathize with you, and once those goodwill and sympathetic feelings are flowing and he is in agreement that no in fact you shouldn't be treated that way, that anyone who does is just awful -- then you ever so gently mention how sometimes he does such things just sometimes and it hurts.

In other words, their advice for women is to prime men for emotional talks like men are supposed to prime women for sex. You have to get the atmosphere right, guards must be lowered and the proper mood cultivated through the rights words and actions. You can't just go straight for what you want, you will get slapped back.

So, Ms Love and Dr Stosny are, in my opinion, merely confirming what Gottman says: both partners need to learn how to communicate their wants and needs in a noninflammatory manner. But nevertheless, there must be that communication. Because, no one is a telepath. We need to use our words to communicate. Your partner is not a baby who can get away with smiles and crying and fussiness. He has an adult's vocabulary for a reason, and if he needs to explain something to his wife, he should use it rather than run or whatever you seem to believe to be an emotionally healthy response to a wife attempting to address her emotional needs.

Last year there was a Time cover story (June 2 2016) titled 'How to stay married (and why you should)' which cites Gottman, claiming that increasingly whether or not a marriage survives depends on the man's willingness to help out with the emotional work in a relationship. The longer men like you exist insisting that there is no need for emotional honesty, the longer marriage or indeed emotional problems in general will exist.

Which is a shame. Because, again, studies are very clear: men benefit more from marriage than woman. And wouldn't you know it, but it's also to do with yet another instance of the 'nag effect'. Older men are especially susceptible to health problems once their wife dies or leaves them (probably for a fella willing to talk to her), because researchers theorize men literally need to be nagged (their words!) to eat better and be healthier and go to the doctor. My husband was completely unsurprised to read about this, because he said his own grandfather would probably still be alive if his grandmother hadn't died. Not long after she died, he had to go on a new medication. He didn't like how it made him feel, so he stopped taking it. My husband is convinced had his grandmother still been alive, she would have forced her husband to go to the doctor to find another medication, and instead he wouldn't have had to suffer a rather unpleasant end.

It appears that for both emotional and physical health, men need nags. So no, sorry. (I am not sorry.) But doing it the man's way of Letting Go is not the secret to conjugal bliss. Or even a long and healthy life.

I will state now: there are marriages that manage where nothing that makes the husband ever uncomfortable is ever discussed, anything is possible after all. There even exist people who neither want nor care for a resilient, kind, caring and close union with their spouse. Such individuals are the ones in the aforementioned relationship setup of 'no discussions needed'.


One more thing.

What is wrong with your keyboard? Or is it your brain? You have an annoying habit of Capitalizing Random Words that Reminds Me of Certain People who speak a Certain Language.

I neither know nor care if English is your first language, I have met Germans who taught themselves English (or, indeed, kindergartners I taught English) with a better grasp of basic capitalization rules than you.

Here, let me put this in language you can understand:

I have taught Five Year Olds Learning EFL who had a Better Grasp of Capitalization Rules than you do.

Please understand, I say this not to mock or ridicule but to teach you a Very Valuable Lesson. Namely, by Giving You a Taste of your own medicine.

Or, put another way, youareoneofthoseannoyingpeoplewhodothingslikestypesentenceswithnospacesorrefusetousepunction. thoughasitturnsoutipersonallyneverhadaproblemwithreadingsentenceswithnospaces. andwasquitetakenabackbythevenompeoplehadasapparentlythisgivessomepeopleheadaches.

How does it feel to be one those people, whose use of incorrect capitalization and pretentious vocabulary such as 'salient' in reference to his own thoughts makes him come off as being grossly pompous and so dimwitted that he does not understand that his affected writing style is completely undone by his failure to grasp very basic rules of grammar?

You clearly have quite a high opinion of your thoughts. I assure you, this opinion is entirely unearned.

I am sure you rationalize your behavior as being for the 'greater good'. You are like Edward Scissorhands when you hug someone. Perhaps you think to offer comfort, but really you just slice them to shreds.

I am going to take a wild guess here and guess that any and all romantic relationships you had were brutally short and ended for the same reason you have never had a robust social circle. You lack a basic understanding of how to relate and respond emotionally to those around you.

And judging by what you wrote about CBT, I am going to assume you brush this aside by telling yourself it's not your fault people don't like what you have to say, they need to Learn How to Respond to it Better.

Newsflash: how we say things matters more than what we say.

And, if you can Learn What That Means, then you will have no need any longer for the internet as your primary source of human contact.

I hope in years to come you will come to see what I am saying. Or not. Can't say I care. Being a bastard is crime and punishment both.

Wow! Look at that… it must have taken you at least 4 hours to knock all of that out. I even got some fairly useful Book Reviews out of it (thank you).

Now, observing your Response from the Viewpoint of Anger Management, it seems that you were either ‘venting’, that is, actualizing your negative feelings through insult and sarcasm because you hope that such a Release would make you Feel Better (now, by the way, do you REALLY think my use of Capitalization is ‘random’ or might I be using that method in order to stress certain words or a poetic cadance?). OR you may feel that I was Threatening You and that therefore you need to respond with a Counter-Attack? Well, whether it is the One Thing or the Other, still both would be instances of Counter-Productive Anger. You see, What Possible Use is it to make another enemy in the World? But, no, you did not make an Enemy out of me, as I have half grown to expect that people who write in to the Anger Management Forum might easily be ‘triggered’ into an Anger Episode. But you might be surprised at how many Chronically Angry People can ‘keep it together’ on this Forum, and I often speak in terms that New Posters could choose to take very personally and be defensive about (‘triggers’), in order to see just how Chronically Angry they actually are. Now, yes, of course, I don’t imagine that you were throwing chairs out through your picture window, but you did resort to blunt Sarcasm and even direct Insults. In the World of Anger Management, These are the Kind of Things that get people in Trouble – in their Relationships and in their Careers.

So, yes, we have verified that you Really Do have an Anger Issue, and I am still perfectly willing to help. As with my first Reply, I would think we would make the most and swiftest progress using a Cognitive Behavioral Methodology, but before we can really get down to business, I would suppose you would appreciate that I respond productively to some of your most ‘salient’ explanations, and observations, thoughts and beliefs that you took the time to present to me (thank you).

I am sorry if it hurt you that when I expressed my joy that your Husband decided to Cut and Run. But as you pointed out in so many ways, Men are Indeed the Problem when it comes to Relationships. I acknowledge that. And Then you seem to be coming from the Assumption that Relationships, especially Marriage, are De Facto Positive and Beneficial. But I would challenge that Viewpoint. If Men are the Problem with Relationships, then I would infer that Men are not Suited for Relationships. And then we must wonder why Society pushes Men into doing what is Not Suited for Them, that is, getting into monogamous Relationships, especially marriage. Yes, you argue that Old Married Men do not long survive their wives in order to support your contention that “men derive more value from marriage than women do”. Well, yes, of course, but this presupposes that that the Marriage Lasted all that time, and so the Man found his wife’s behavior tolerable, and then of course I will acknowledge that Established Routines are difficult to Replace, and some Old Guys may not live long enough to finally Adjust to a new Viable Life Routine (for instance, when I retired it took a bit more than a year for me to really establish a new Viable Routine). But here is the Primary Objection to your argument that ‘Men Benefit More…’ and that is that Women generally Outlive their Husbands. From that we can theorize two possibilities; first, that any man who outlives his Wife seems to be Living on Borrowed Time anyway; and, second that these Wives are doing something to put their Husbands into Early Graves. So, while their isn’t enough real data for me to make any certain point that Men are risking years of their precious Lives when they get married, still with just what we know from basic demographic statistics, your own “Men are Better Off…” Idea goes from shaky ground to thin ice.

In another place you argue convincingly that it is Men who have the Most Trouble getting over Relationship Breakups. Yes, they Do, and I spend much of my time on the Anger Forum trying to turn this around for some men (and, yes, it is with the “you are better off without them ” line of discussion). So, while I should have explained this before, to save you the anguish I must have caused you with my too unqualified remark, you can Now See why I am Glad for your Husband, BECAUSE, it seems that he has Side-Stepped the usual Stage of Emotional Trauma that Men ordinarily go through after a Break Up. Would you rather that he be a Broken Down Nervous Wreck? I would have hoped that you would be as Happy, or even Happier for him than I, for after all, he was your Husband I must suppose you would have more reason to care about him than I would.

Now, moving on, When a New Poster arrives it is customary to think about the Possibilities of Hope for that person. Being Intelligent and Well Read is very much in your favor. But you do have a tendency for Self-Justification. Now, in regards to Anger Management, EVERYONE who Ever Gets Angry, has a REASON Why they got Angry. So the First Thing that needs to be Addressed is that Having a Reason to Get Angry is NO EXCUSE for Getting Angry. Now, yes, in the English Language, the Word Anger describes Both the Negative Emotion (a kind of seething hatred), and the Hostile Action that is initiated or provoked by the Negative Emotion. So when we speak of Anger we are speaking of both the Feeling and the Behavior. The Behavior should be Easy to Suppress. Truly Calm and Peaceful People may experience the same number of ‘Triggers’ as a Chronically Angry Person, and while they may become Emotionally Flustered by it, they DO NOT ACT OUT. They somehow learned how to Rise Above getting into emotionally and physically draining squabbles, not to mention the Rage Episodes that Extremely Angry People are often pushed into by their Ordinary Life Circumstances of the Stressful Kind. But even the Emotions of Anger can be dealt with over time. You see, our Feelings are in large measure Guided by how we THINK about our circumstances. (“Nothing is either Good or Bad but Thinking makes it so” w.s.) . And Cognitive Behavioral Therapy works with both Behavior and the Thinking Feeling Quadrant.

You seem to Value what Authors of Published Books have to say, and while I would enjoy trying to Help You, I feel that with your tendency toward Self-Justification, and with your History of feeling that you never ever quite Sufficient Punished Your Husband enough for his Past Infractions (your insisting on bringing up the Past which infuriated him, as you mentioned in your first Post), well I am guessing that you would not feel Comfortable working with Me (that you would have trouble letting go of your grudge against me until you knew I had somehow suffered enough, and for you we can only wonder what would finally be enough to sate that Need for Vindication of yours). SO, in order to be of Some Help To You, please let me recommend the Author (actually a Husband Wife Team in a few of their books) I feel is the Best Anger Management Expert out there. Ronald Potter-Efron (I would put in a URL to a Book Retailer, but I think that I would have the same problem with URLs as you found). Anyway, Ronald Potter-Efron has a PHD in Psychology and has written a number of Books for the Popular Self Help Market, as well as College Text Books. The guy is the Real Deal in Anger Management.

Well, that covers all that I feel important in regards to what my Anger Management Persona would have me dutifully accomplish, but now please allow me to comment on your Reviews of the books and authors you were speaking of. The first Author you mentioned, Dr. Gottman, and I am glad he is a Doctor, apparently Specializes in Marriage Counseling. Again, as I hinted above, he is coming from the Viewpoint that Marriage is a Necessarily Good Thing and that it is a Necessarily Bad thing when marriages break up. In regards to such Thinking, let me tell you a Story about how I once spoke to my own Psychologist (are you surprised that I ever had a Psychologist?) about Marriage Counselors , wondering that they must certainly sometimes come to the private conclusion that some Marriages are obviously Made in Hell and are complete Train Wrecks, but that I supposed that they Professionally would have to Go Through the Motions of Trying to Fix It, but that there was probably some Professional Ethical bar against just telling a couple that their Professional Opinion was that their Relationship is Doomed and the sooner they end it the better. He responded saying that while there are no Hard and Fast Ethical Guidelines in that Regard, that Psychologists ordinarily feel bound to WAIT FOR THE ACTUAL QUESTION, “Doctor, do you think there is any Hope for our Relationship?” (then I would suppose the Ethics Issue transfers over to whether the Couple is told the Terrible Truth or encouraged to come in once a week for 12 weeks at the total cost of $2000, or until their Insurance is drained dry ). So, Calm Blue O, you see that Marriage Counselors are sort of Professionally Biased in One Direction. And, Yes, Of course, Men are the Big Problem. The natural conclusion therefore should be that men, unless they test up somehow as being exception in their ability to get along with women, should refrain from getting into long term close relationships. Men need their Space and a lot of Alone Time. Dating is Fun… Marriage, not so much. You see, to explain my thinking from a personal level, I don’t ‘hate’ Women. I in fact like women, and I think that perhaps even Monogamous Relationship would Work Out okay, but It All Goes On the Rocks with the Living Together part. The only way Men and Women can Live Together is to Live Apart. Many Cultures assume the same thing and Men live in the Male Quarters and Women live in the Women’s Quarters and the Two only meet Socially when they can be expected to be on their Best Behavior. That Would Work. Isn’t that how Dating works, and every likes to date.

Finally, about your point about “We Need To Talk…” Yes, I can see the Good of your Idea about Snuggling and getting all Nice and Content, and then Telling an Apropos Story about Some Other People or Person with a Problem similar to that of your Spouse. But That Is Where It Should Stop. To Go Your Last Step and throw his Agreement with you back up into his Face with the Challenge “If it is so bad when he does it then why do you let yourself get away with the Same thing?” Isn’t it like you WANT to start fights? Why not just let the Story take time to Soak In. Yes, Men are Stupid, and I am the first one to admit it. But we are only Stupid in the Up Take, that is, it might take us a while to understand what a woman can understand in the moment. Often our Memories are just as good or better. For instance, Often times my friends have told stories or mentioned things out of the Blue and I wondered where THAT came from. So I would think about it and think about it, and after a few days I would decide that they were trying to tell me something. And so I would think some more and eventually draw some conclusion – that like the guy in their story, I should call before stopping by, or not use my left hand to lift the fork to my mouth, or should dress more Up or more Down for certain clubs and restaurants, etc. You see, even if Men are Stupid and it Takes Us Awhile to Catch On, you still don’t have to Nail It to our Foreheads. Make your Hint and let Time do its Job. And if your Man is Too Dumb to Take a Hint, even given a good amount of time, then you wouldn’t want That Much of an Idiot anyway, and then it should be You who initiates the Break Up, no?


Oh and then there is the curious way you have as using the word “Nagging” as though it is synonymous with “Nurturing” . It would seem to indicate that you would believe men entirely wrong when they complain of being “Nagged to Death”, as you would have them believe they are being “Nagged to Life”. Yes, I believe you referred so some officially recognized “nag effect”, and that must have appealed to your inclination toward self-justifying the thoughts and behaviors that land you in trouble (when you really need to be looking Out of the Box in such Circumstances. When Old Thinking isn’t working right, you need New Thinking). But a Word Trick, switching in Nag for Nurture, does not change the nature of Nagging, where the real synonym would be ‘pestering’. Indeed, you have given me fresh insight into Relationships. For now on when a Man writes in with concerns about his Relationship, I will suggest that many Women actually believe that they are doing you a Big Favor by Nagging you, and that it may not be something that He personally Can or Should Tolerate. Of course some men do learn to put up with it. The term commonly used for them is “hen pecked” or “_____ whipped” . those are not Proud Distinctions. And if Men do live Longer, well, Life has both Quality and Quantity. I think most Men would prefer to have a Quality of Life. Live Fast and Die Young with a Sexy and Agreeable Companion rather than living to Senility with a Tormentor.


So, that is all I have for now. I really hope that we can work together in the future, but understand that you may need time to simmer for a while. I will wait and see how you take this Post. And again, thank you for your Book Reviews and all your Various thoughts, most of which I agree with and found Enlightening.