Violence,insecurity and jealousy

Timetogetunstuck,
In the course of a few replies back to my inquiry you have managed to run me down and degrade me by telling me I value myself to little(which is far from the truth).Also you jumped to conclusions,you falsely accused,you were smart assy and condescending.If I were to run into problems I have enough smarts about myself to get out of such situation but you have underestimated me.Iam the type of person timetogetunstuck who refuses to allow anyone to intimidate me by fear or force.I would come up kicking.Iam not a victim nor will I let anyone make me feel Iam..I understand you have first hand experience at this sort of behavior but dont you feel at least a little teeny tiny bit that people can and do change or do you not put enough trust and faith in people?If you dont care enough then why do you bother to keep replying?Why do you even post to this message board?Are you upset that I wont agree with you?Really you arent high on my list either.There is a proper protocol at helping people,you didnt have to resort to such behavior at me.Thats just it everyone who has suffered at the hands of a man or anyone that knows someone who has will say nothing but negativity about the person OR ALL men who have hit before.They persecute said individuals by putting his balls on a stick on the spot.Relationships arent perfect there will be arguments that may end in hitting..does that automatically imply the person is an abuser?!I dont know all the answers..and this takes me back to the previous question I posed..you dont like it that I disagree with you..you've faced this situation so you think you know all the answers..and Im not doubting the validity of that but its made you not be able to trust(IMO)..why did I ask this question..gee why did you ask me why I asked?

Hannah, daaaahhhhling.

You're STILL hell-bent on making it ok that you're with a guy who's likely to lose his temper with you and hit you!

Did I write that I needed to know what makes a man hit out, go on drinking sprees to forget it and jealous, insecure etc? Did I talk in my last post about imperfect relationships that may end in hitting....?

Oh. No. You did. I nearly forgot.

Good luck, you're going to need it.

*gasp*

Iam NOT making it OK..Iam not making justifications for him..he has NEVER been violent with me..never raised his hand to me..we've been together a little over 3 years..sure we have had our moments within the relationship but doesnt everyone?Relationships are not perfect..if they were something would be wrong..VERY wrong..We ALL lose our temper from time to time..anger is a common emotion we ALL feel occasionally BUT that doesnt mean we will restort to hitting Timetogetunstuck..I feel like a broken record repeating myself over and over and over to you..he wasnt violent with the Gal before her..he hasnt been violent with me..sometimes people exaggerate so they will get sympathy..someone hit me..Im the victim..poor me..boo hoo hoo hoo..I want sympathy and pity from people and if I cry around and stretch the truth a little maybe I can get more comfort..I can safely say she pushed him to the limit and he lost control which ended in him hitting..not that he intended for it to happen..becoz he isnt an abusive person..he didnt hit her to gain control over her..knowing him as well as I do Iam almost certain he felt wretched after it happend and cried like the big soft sookie baby he is..Without your help I figured it out on my own..but look what I was subjected to in my search..good luck Im going to need it?You take the cake Timetogetunstuck..Im sure you will remain on your mission to judge and falsely accuse..ALL men of the World who hit(even if they didnt intend for it to happen)are abusers..STAY AWAY from them..and if you choose to remain with them you dont value yourself..

i guess when they say love is blind it can be, but maybe thats not such a bad thing, or a putdown. love will bring him around. love and supportive words from you and probobly therapy too. but be carefull, someone with his insecurities may take your supportiveness and tottaly run with it. you know what i mean? take,take and mistake your supportivness ( pls excuse the spelling) or take advantage of it. when i say mistake it i mean...think your being submissive to him and his behaviour. it will take time. you know your own limits, and trust your gut and values..before anyone elses 2 cents! you know your situation best, i feel bad for you that u came here looking for ansers and you got ...well......you know. and for the person who made the comment in their post about " judging on what you did say AND DIDNT" well you know what they say when you assume. how does it make you feel to know that she may not turn to this forum again becasue of the insenitive way you acted. you were talking out of your butt and obviously your past experiences which it seems you havent come to terms with and put behind you. you wern't helping you were venting...in a very human form,BUT, like i said it seems you still need help, so please be carefull what you say to those looking for help.

confusedboutme wrote:she may not turn to this forum again becasue of the insenitive way you acted. you were talking out of your butt

So confusedaboutme, is you being abusive about me being insensitive to Hannah = you being insensitive to me? Or is that ok just because you have a judgment about what I said to Hannah?


Perhaps I should play the moderator role and remind you that it's ok to disagree with someone's views but not to be personally offensive.

ha! take your own advice...y dont you go be a moderator....SOMEWHERE ELSE

This thread is close to becoming an unhelpful, unconstructive slanging match.

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Thank you for posting that Michael

I'd like to point out that throughoput this thread I've complied with the points you raised here. Each of my posts to Hannah was carefully considered and not motivated by any desire to harm or upset her. Nor was my last post (to confusedaboutme).

What this thread is about is about me reflecting back to people what they are saying - and neither of those people being willing to be accountable.

Hannah wrote about a boyfriend who was acting towards HER with jealousy and possesiveness and who had beaten his wife in the past. I questioned what she was doing in that relationship and suggested that she might be in line for his abusive behaviour. She didn't like that.

As for confusedaboutme? He took sides to rescue Hannah from me and chose to be abusive to me. I simply asked whether he was able to be accountable for being insensitive in the way he was accusing me of being insensitive.

Like so many other contributors on this site, he wasn't.

time to get unstuck hannah lol.........!!!!!!!!!plzzzzzzzzzz
is this guy speaking from any type of experience in this subject???
ppl need to be veryyyyyyyy careful how and to whom they post these messages.
everyone has an opinion now here is mine....i think/most of the time it is what?????LOVE.
LOVE 4 you hannah but @the same time never stay in an abusive relationship the love 4 her is initiating his insecurities.he feels "PROBABLY" LIKE HE IS NOT GOOD ENUFF TO PLZ HER./emotionally phys. etc...
YES he does need to seek a phys. or psych. not cause he or u are crazy. a chemical imbalance however can cause these thoughts to surface.well all i have time 4 hope this helps someone whoever it may be and yes....it is from experience ..
LIFE ?? FUNNY HUH!!

DIRTYSOUTH wrote:ppl need to be veryyyyyyyy careful how and to whom they post these messages.

Hi Dirtysouth..

No - that's exactly the point here - people DON'T need to be careful on this site, online. They're NOT accountable for what they write. Which is why a site like this I think has real issues about how it can 'help' people...

In the 'real' world, in real therapeutic spaces peope DO need to be careful about what they say because people are held directly and immediately accountable to each other.

Online, that doesn't happen.

Expressing feelings without being accountable or responsible for what you just said is known as 'dumping'. Its about venting your stuff, not taking responsibility for it and it's not about asking for help, despite what people claim.

Do I think Hannah was *really* looking for help? I think she was looking for a way of making her situation acceptable so that she didn't have to change it. Getting out of abusive situations is, for most people, far more scary than staying in them. Which is why so many people stay in them.

I'm sorry that Hannah felt so angry with what I wrote, and I'm sorry that that other guy wanted to shout abuse at me, simple as that. But you know what? I'm here writing this because I do believe in being accountable for what I write / say. I can back up what I say. I speak only from my own experience.

If this is supposed to be a site where people are supported to develop and grow, how come its not ok to challenge people when they're dumping and venting? Hmm?

Because, in my opinion, this isn't first and foremost a therapeutic space, it's first and foremost an online sales-window for people in pain to buy 'self-help' courses etc. Let's be realistic about it.

If the site moderators don't appreciate that opinion, I can understand.

anyone showing signs of anger, jealousy, suspicion, or controlling behavior has insecurity issues and shouldn't be in a relationship. they should work on themselves and get themselves to a comfortable level before trying to live a life of intimacy with another person. otherwise, they'll destroy that other person's chances of surviving with a healthy life.