Serious Nerd Rage

Aaron725 wrote:So compared to most of the other posts I see on here, my nerd rage is probably written off as silly, but I honestly can't control myself and it scares me and others. I have broken various things to the point that it's a problem. Gaming is my life, I love it, but I'm extremely competitive and extremely hard on myself when I fail. I don't normally get upset at my team, just upset at myself when I do poorly or make a mistake. I just want to sit down and have a good time with my friends. Most peoples answers are to just stop gaming, but I love games and it's what most of my friendships are built off of. People who have known me for a while see me rage and they are very surprised to see someone they thought never get angry, throw a major fit over something so stupid. I don't know how to stop these sudden bursts of anger, it happens so fast and I just grab something near me and throw it without thinking. All the answers I see on the internet are things like 'Stop playing, listen to music, take a break, why do you care?'. Maybe weed could help, but I really don't want to rely on something like that just to enjoy myself. I honestly don't know what to do about it, I don't know if anyone else does either, but I just figured I'd type it out, might make me feel better.

Dear Aaron,

Well, I am glad that you ran into me, because I am familiar with your form of anger and do have some suggestions that you can implement which will help with minimizing your anger and not require you to drop the life that you wish to lead (though as a musician I shake my head and practically cry when I think of gamers wasting all that time they could have put toward being virtuoso violin players or Rock and Roll Stars).

Part of your over the top Anger could be caused by some primitive part of you wishing to show yourself and others that you take full personal responsibility for your mistakes, and that you therefore feel that even the slightest ‘oops’ mistakes call for the most dreadful lamentations and handwringing. Oh! And since you feel that your Team Mates might be angry with you for any kind of screw-up, you anticipate them with your own self-directed anger – that they could not possibly be more angry at you then you are at yourself. All that may have served its purpose in Pre-Verbal Primitive Times but today it is simply just too much Drama. And it is huge waste of energy. Also, it is not good for your Game.

Here is why it is probably not good for your Game. I read a fascinating book on Anger, “the Angry Brain” by Dr. (PHD) Ronald Potter Efron, and there was one section that specified that there are two kinds of Aggression. The First is Predatory Aggression that is calm and focused and deadly (think of a Tiger stalking it prey calmly and quietly until the culminating charge and pounce). The Second kind of Aggression is Panic Defensive. It is extremely emotional, and full of rage, yelling and screaming, and all sorts of bluster. It is all meant to try to scare the Predator away. But it is Defensive. You can’t Win like that. It is only designed to help your chances in not losing quite so badly. But I have a feeling that in Gaming, it is the focused Predators that go home with the Bit Coins. If you ever watch sports you can see this dynamic out on the Field – the Winning Team is steely eyed, sharp and quick, but their emotions are contained. The Losers, though, get agitated and emotional. Everyone can see that they are “psyched out” and “choking”. Even the Losing Coaches let themselves fall into the same mental emotional trap and toss chairs and swear at the referees.

So, first, you must convince yourself that you yourself KNOW when you make a mistake and all you need is that Awareness for your Brain to work on the problem. Oh, in that book, it tells of brain scan studies that showed that when people make a mistake, and know it, their brain lights up, which the researchers suppose is the brain’s way of trying to Learn Around the Problem. I’m a musician. I play a song and I realize that I make a few faux pas and so I go through it again. I don’t agonize. But with each pass I get better. When the song comes up again in practice after about a month, I forget what mistakes I made before, but it is clear that my brain had worked on whatever the problem was the whole time at some subconscious level. The Brain is Auto Correcting! You don’t have to beat yourself up. Also, your Team Mates are all mature and they make mistakes too. What do you think they must feel when they make some miss-step in front of you who seems to take everything as though it were life or death. They would rather you chill out. Tell them later that you will work on the skill set that caught you short. That’s all anyone can expect. The only problem would be if you were to say “Screw it, it’s only a Game”.

You know, I used to do sort of the same thing when I was young. I used drama to show everybody how important I thought everything was. I eventually realized that I was always acting more calmly whenever I was alone, which is the proof that I was only ‘performing for the crowd’. Pure Drama. This might not be your problem, but keep a close eye on yourself.

The Anger Management Magic Trick

Also, I discovered a kind of Anger Management Magic Trick that still isn’t in much of the Literature. You’ll only find it here. First, some background – it seems that when humans are attacked or feel under serious threat, that even before the Threat or Danger becomes apparent to the Conscious Mind, that the core areas of the primitive brain begin to pump out Cortisol which is a powerful stimulant which energizes all the Fight and Flight and Rage responses. That Cortisol can be pumping for up to 3 seconds before the Conscious Mind has a chance to review whether there really is any Serious Threat – like the “wolf” we saw out of the corner of our eye was just the stupid village dog, or the “snake” in the path was just a long stick. Yes, the conscious mind can shut down the Cortisol if it catches it soon enough, but often if the cortisol is permitted to pump up too much before we decide we need to ‘Take Charge’, well, one of the things Cortisol does is Amps Up the Primitive Fighting Mental Programs and shuts down the Higher Rational Mind. That is why people feel they lose control over themselves, because they in fact DO lose control over themselves. As far as most of the Anger Management Literature is concerned, this is a real problem, that Cortisol is pumping and we have no way to know about it until it might already be too late. But HERE’s The TRICK. We CAN Know that the Cortisol is pumping before we experience any Conscious Emotions. You see, before we realize consciously that we are Angry we can sense the Very First Sign of Cortisol being released, which is THE TIGHTENING OF THE JAW MUSCLES OR THE CLENCHING OF THE TEETH. The very instant you feel your jaw muscles tense up, simple relax them and open your mouth. It seems that nobody can get all tensed up if they can breathe through an open mouth. I’ve been telling people on this Forum about this and people have found that it consistently works. You will not get angry if you catch that first Cortisol Reflex and relax it. It takes practice, but you are a gamer. Practice is what you do best, isn’t it? You are used to practice. I myself get a lot of practice with my cats. They do something bad and I feel my jaw muscles tense up, and so I instantly relax, and then I can go easy on the cats instead of chasing them around the house with a stick.

So, Aaron, let me know if any of this helps or if you have any questions or need clarification on anything.

Wow, thanks for the quick and detailed reply. I am a musician as well, I just haven't been practicing that much. I try to go into a game and expect to practice, to work on mistakes, I know the more time you put into something the better you become. I try to put the time in, but am stopped short often by the outbursts. I'll try your out your suggestions and hopefully it helps.

1. Accept who you are

I play chess for fun: but i dont pretend to be talented and professional im just an average player with 1200-1400 rating

when you are an average gamer : and accept your level you dont get frustrated why you lose a game because you dont pretend to be pro

Now here is the bad part: even if you are a pro gamer: there will again be ups and downs because a GM chess player got to play against other GM chess players and that is not going to be easy to win

If you say i cannot accept losing: from motivation point of view that is a good thing because you will try your best, you will keep fighting to win; but from relaxation point of view that is a bad thing ; to relax means i dont give a sht if i lose

However there is a trick you can keep oneself motivated and focus your energy such as; let me see if i can make a better move on this chess game; but again not bother too much if you lose the game

Hi Laureat,

Golf has been institutionalized very well in the sense that most amateur golfers play against each other in respect to their “handicaps” so that ‘mediocre’ players can play against ‘good ’ players, with their scores adjusted as per their handicaps, and so the contests are therefore made competitive (but I have known some pretty good golfers go out and with apparent intention screw up a few rounds in order to shave a point or two off their handicaps, but word gets around and nobody will play those guys unless the surrender a few strokes. Also there is a strange phenomenon whereby golfers seem to be able to play as well as their competition, or at least it seems that playing with good golfers pulls of the game of the mediocre players). But in most sports and competitive contests, the participants need to just appreciate playing at their own level. I myself was an amateur runner. I was very proud that I was able to run out ahead of the ‘mid-pack’ cluster of runners. And I tried not to mind that I was trailing all the ‘fast’ runners. Then at one race this one runner said one of the nicest things that anybody has ever said to me. After the race he asked me how I did and I told him “I beat mid-pack. I guess that makes me the fastest of the Slow runners”. He replied, “Oh, no! That makes you the slowest of the Fast runners”. I went from being Slow to being Fast just by the way that guy was able to see it.