whatever next...?

Throughout my childhood i always felt justified in concentrating my anger and resentment on a certain person. Safe in it's own private place, i always knew where i stood with my rage; i knew who was to blame.

In my early twenties now, i have little cause for complaint and no one to incriminate, but still my temper boils about just below the surface, indiscriminate now and growing.

I alternate between loathing myself and despising others, unsure which state-of-hate is morally worse, and which is more self-damaging in the long run. Spiritual and mental implications aside, i'm terrified of the impact i have on others. I'm defensive and over-sensitive, confrontational and insecure, so i fake to save face, which only lends me cover most of the time and more cracks are showing in the brick wall.

The punch line being, that in my sane head -which i wear most of the time- i know and feel i'm a good, honest, loving, caring person. Everyone is everything to me. In my job i empathise completely with the people i care for. Still this fury; my alter-ego is lurking- not so deep anymore.




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